Bug Soup

A Broth of Rambling Thoughts ( with some morsels of 'silly' thrown in for flavor)

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Dog Piss

Now the beasts are mocking me.
I swear, the little one ( not the puppy, by little I mean smallest in size) just walked through the kitchen, lifted his leg and pissed on the door frame. Then continues walking past me like nothing happened.
I swear!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

My True Friend

I have this friend, most of the folks reading this know her.
She just made me so happy tonight, and I needed that , so I thought I'd share.
She didn't do anything special to make me smile, she was just herself.
She is always herself, she never waffles, she knows who she is and what she thinks, and she tells you. She fixes me when I need fixing. I am not as sure of myself, but she teaches me how to be me, how to be real.
She was smiling and warm tonight, and she told me about this trip she took when she was 18. It was a great story, and for a few minutes I saw her, not as the woman I've known for the last 4 years or so , but as a young girl, full of adventure.
I am blessed to have this friendship.
I know how lucky I am to know her, to know that she calls me "Friend"
I cherish her and our friendship.
She likes me, even though she really knows me. She knows the real me and likes me anyway.
Thanks Pam, just for being you.
You are my Best Friend!

Friday, May 20, 2005

In My Hands

The cage is quiet.
The wheel spins no more.
Our little Bijou has passed away.
At least I was holding her, when she left us.
Our little hamster, such a sweet thing.
Katie is cryng herself to sleep.

This is why I don't want pets.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Yard Sale Heaven

I ask you, what is better than a community yard sale in your own community?
Okay, now add that it's an upscale neighborhood ( for my town), and that residents got to go early.
Not enough? Add that there was this little cart that drove around serving Beer, Wine and Margaritas! ( and they weren't allowed to sell alcohol so they gave it away for whatever donation you wanted to give to the Fire Dept! I overpaid for my margarita because the old guy selling them was really cute.)

It was awesome! And it was so big we didn't even see all of it, and it's right down the street, and I get to go back tomorrow!
What a buzz!
I got a South Park Soundtrack CD for 50cents!
I bought a brand new hardcover Dean Koontz that I don't own and haven't read for $1 ( the spine wasn't even broken, and the original prica tag said $30)
I bought a brand new 2 video set ( still in the shrink wrap new) copy of one of my favorite movies for $1 ( Giant! Love it! Rock Hudson is gorgerous, and James Dean is brooding, Elizabeth Taylor really was stunning)

I bought a beautiful blue glass bottle for the shelf over my tub for 2 bucks!
I bought a new keybord for the puter for a buck, and I actually needed it!

I bought a pile of crappy paperbacks for 10 cents each. Damn it was fun!

I think I spent less than 15 bucks , including the margaritas!

It's supposed to storm tonight.
I hope it misses us, I'd hate for all that cool shit to get soggy, because I wanna go back tomorrow.
Did I mention there was music and dancing and food?
Coolest thing ever.
I confess , I didn't miss my husband at all. He woud have never gone with me, and if he did he would have wanted to leave after 5 minutes.
I am so glad my work buddy talked me into going.
Sheesh! I think I'm shopping high!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Killing me Slowly

I think I've seen my future.
It's bald and sick and gasping for every breath.
I want to talk a little bit about Cancer.
I've never had it myself, but have lived with it.
For awhile Cancer lived in my house.
It pretty much took over even before Mom had her seizure and was dignosed with terminal Brain Cancer.
In spring of 2003, my Uncle ( Mom's oldest brother) was dignosed, by July he was gone. My Mom had her seizure early January 2004. It was the worst kind, and had metastized from her lungs, just like her brothers bone cancer had the year before.
She never quit smoking. She even told everyone that her Doctor told her she could keep smoking, " Because it doesn't matter anymore." That was a lie, of course. Anyone ever tells you that their Doc said to just go ahead and smoke, they're lying.
No Doctor ever says that. EVER.

So while Mom was moving in with us and , " getting all the ducks in a row" her younger brother was dignosed with Colon Cancer, and her oldest sister was hospitalized for pnuemonia and acute emphysema.
Weird. Cancer doesn't run in their family, or hadn't til then. Both of their parents lived to be very old, as did all their many aunts and uncles. Oh, bad joints and arthritis runs with us for sure ( I got that one early) but not the Big C . ( though my Dad's family was ful of it)

Nope , no cancer in this family, they all lived well into their 90's, til about 2 years ago.
And the common factor, the thing they shared ( besides a childhood) was cigarettes. Lots of them.
* as I light one*
Out of 5 kids, 2 died of Cancer and one is still taking treatment, one has emphysema and the only one with no lung ailments at all, was the one who never smoked.

I'm ashamed to say, I smoked under the tree outside the Cancer Center that I took my Mom to for treatments. The county funded Clinic, for people with no insurance. Where sick people waited for 6 hours to see the Doctor, and an appointment for a simple blood test could mean a 3 hour wait. More than once we spent 10 hours there.

I once visted, under the tree, with a 47 yr old woman who was on her third time with breast cancer. She told me her hair had finally grown back after 2 years, that until the week before she'd thought it was finally gone for good. She lit a Marlboro, and told me she hated smoking, told me she couldn't believe that after surviving breast cancer twice, after losing her breasts and her hair and her job and her life, that she still couldn't quit smoking. She gently touched her head and told me, " I know it's only hair, but I hate to lose it again." Just before they called her in for the first treatment of her newest round of chemo.
She wasn't the only one.

It was no mistake that the Cancer Center had a Smoking Area under that tree. A bench and an ashtray, and rain or shine there were patients out there.

That tree was special though. I wish I knew what kind of tree it was ,( I 'm so bad at that garden type stuff). I can tell you that it's beautiful, and magical; and that no matter what the day brought, the weather was always perfect under that tree. I know many a time I went out there just to cry, but no one could cry under that tree. You felt better there. It's perfect, like it absorbs all the humanity of those sitting under it, and gives back only the best of it. On the stillest day, it's leaves rustle in a breeze that seem to come from within it. It never rained under that tree, it was never too hot or too cold. It was always Spring , and gentle breezes.
That tree , in that parking lot of the crappiest place ever, gives comfort.

But they smoke, the Cancer People. They smoke right before their treatments, right before they lie to the Doctor about not smoking, they smoke. They beg for a cig while gasping for breath on oxygen. I know.
*click - puff*
I've seen my future if I don't quit smoking these cancer sticks.
There is no excuse, I know what it feels like , I know what it looks like.
It's sick and bald and gasping for every tortured breath, it's hours of horrible treatments and leaving everything undone, leaving everyone too soon.
Who says that suicide is fast.

I Need a TIVO

I am missing so much TV these days.
We have hundreds of channels, yet whenever I want to see something it's on opposite something else. Or I'll sit down to watch the tube for awhile and there is nothing on.
How can there be nothing on?
Flip Flip Flip
I search the guide.
There is something good! But it's already started and I hate to jump in the middle. Oh there's something else, but it ends too late.
And my Reality shows keep conflicting with each other.

Why are the movies I've been wanting to see always start at 10 a.m. on a work day or at 2 in the flipping morning??? I've decided all the good stuff is being kept from me, while I am stuck watching reruns of the The Surreal Life again.

Then there is the, what to turn the channel to as I fall asleep, dilemna.
I've found I am much less stressed and my mind doesn't wander to troubles and unfinished daytime business if I can just fall asleep while listening to quiet nonsense. But you have to pick the right thing. Decorating and cooking shows are out, you have to see what's going on, same with animal and travel channel stuff. Music doesn't work for me because songs get stuck in my head real easliy and I wake up with them still there. No News! No way. Movies are sometimes good, but it has to be something I've seen before, so I can picture it with my eyes closed, plus it has to have lots of dialouge, finding the perfect movie is tricky at night, and you never know what is coming on after. I hate waking up to a scary movie at 3 a.m.
My go to station is Comedy Central, South Park is funny even with your eyes closed, and now that Colin Quinn has been cancelled I don't have to fear hearing that idiot in my ears.

Usually I wake up to turn the TV off before the morning infomercials start. But there is always the chance I'll wake up wondering why I dreamt I was a Pilates instructor, or knowing that I NEED a portable steamer , if I just had a portable steamer my house would be clean and all my troubles would just magically dissapear. Steam cures everything.

I've just realized I have a serious TV scheduale conflict Tuesday evening.
The finale of The Amazing Race is on, and at the same time over on the Travel channel , John Ratzenburg is doing a special hour long tour of the Pyrex factory.

I need a TIVO thing, and fast.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

What's New With Me

As if anyone is interested.
Still reading?
Okay, guess you are!


I still hate the dogs.
They know I'm intimidated by them, they have to know. Afterall I cringe whenever I am near them ( and sneeze). Cringing seems to send some doggy message that means, JUMP ON ME!
So they do.
I have scratches all over me from those dogs. My Brother just will not trim their nails. I dare not wear shorts in my own home anymore, the scratches on my legs haven't healed yet.
A friend asks me what happens when it gets hot, because it can get very hot in my garage in the summer ( it is Texas), and I say that they may die in there. I don't know what to do about them. I only know that I was promised there would be a place for The Dogs, if I let my brother come here. He agreed no dogs in my house, and he lied. So if they die because he didn't take care of them it isn't my fault, because homeless people don't get to have pets. They sure don't get to take a pack of dogs to someone elses home.
And he lost another job this week.


I am doing a new job!
I didn't get a new job, I do it at the same place for the same pay, and mostly it's the same, only now I am the cashier instead of the server on my Lunchline. It's actually working out okay, I'm having more fun than I've had in a long time.
The gal I'm working with has been there for years , but never worked this line before. She was grumpy and seriously burned out. I am so glad she got moved with me in the snackbar. I didn't think it would work out ( she was GRUMPY) , but working with me she is having fun! We are clicking. She was singing and dancing today at work! She told me , in front of everyone, that she loved working with me. Said I was supportive and cheerful and cared about the kids.
It was a moment.
Maybe the moment that is going to help me get through this last month without screaming at someone. It was all I could do to keep smiling.
But I think it's gonna be okay now. Sometimes a little change, can make a big change.

This is something most don't know about me. But I am always so close, like an inch away, from plunging into depression. Yes, I am really cheerful and upbeat, because I have to be. Clinical depression runs in my family, runs in me at times, and I didn't leave my house for almost 5 years. I have to force myself to go to work most days.
I was agoraphobic, I had panic attacks if I had to get into a car. I'd be a hermit if I could.
After my Mom died I went back to work within days, because the temptation to just crawl into bed was too great. I knew if I went to bed, if I just hid from the world like I wanted to, that it would be very hard to come back out of it.
I'm outgoing by nature, I like people, and I don't want to hide, but part of me does.
So the thing at work? Good for me! Getting the job in the first place was good for me.

My Daughter had a piece of her artwork entered in the local Youth Art Show. Her teacher talked her into entering it. It's a big deal in our little town. The Lake Granbury Art Association , puts on a Youth Art Show every year. Teachers from all the schools enter their favorite pieces. They are judged by medium and grade ( it's 4th to 8th grades), and first, second and third place awards are given for each project, with a Best of Show award given for each grade level.

So Katie and I go on Saturday. It was really terrific, we had a great time. Loved the art projects! I got some great ideas. I was a bit dissapointed in the project that won first place in the medium Kate's was entered in. It was Decopouge. Most of the projects were dimensional and vibriant, and really expressive. The one with the first place ribbon on it was flat and plain and small and had no color, not that good. We were just happy her teacher had chosen to enter hers, it's a big honor., and it was so cool to see Katie's piece matted and displayed in a Gallery setting.
We were told there would be a reception with cookies and punch on Sunday if we wanted to attend. I didn't want to eat cookies and drink punch with people I didn't know on a perfectly good Sunday ( besides I ended up hungover that day) . We didn't go to the reception.

Monday afternoon Katie comes home from school, and informs me that they announced Best of Show on Sunday at the reception, ( no one told me this on Saturday, they only said there'd be cookies) .
My Child won the Best of Show!
Her art piece got the highest honor out of every other 7th grade entry!
I was so proud I cried! ( so glad I didn't cry in front of the cookies and punch group , I'm still glad we didn't go on Sunday!)
My child can make Art from tissue paper and Modge Podge, and that is AWESOME! That it was awarded is even better, because she has aways been an artist, but she can't draw for shit.
She makes dolls from scraps of fabric and wire, she makes sculpture from twigs and rocks, she has been designing amazing things since she was two, but she doesn't draw like people think drawings should be. I think she is brilliant. Now she has a ribbon that proves it!


Hubby is coming home this weekend! I know I should clean house, but isn't it more important that it looks like what he is used to?