Killing me Slowly

I think I've seen my future.
It's bald and sick and gasping for every breath.
I want to talk a little bit about Cancer.
I've never had it myself, but have lived with it.
For awhile Cancer lived in my house.
It pretty much took over even before Mom had her seizure and was dignosed with terminal Brain Cancer.
In spring of 2003, my Uncle ( Mom's oldest brother) was dignosed, by July he was gone. My Mom had her seizure early January 2004. It was the worst kind, and had metastized from her lungs, just like her brothers bone cancer had the year before.
She never quit smoking. She even told everyone that her Doctor told her she could keep smoking, " Because it doesn't matter anymore." That was a lie, of course. Anyone ever tells you that their Doc said to just go ahead and smoke, they're lying.
No Doctor ever says that. EVER.

So while Mom was moving in with us and , " getting all the ducks in a row" her younger brother was dignosed with Colon Cancer, and her oldest sister was hospitalized for pnuemonia and acute emphysema.
Weird. Cancer doesn't run in their family, or hadn't til then. Both of their parents lived to be very old, as did all their many aunts and uncles. Oh, bad joints and arthritis runs with us for sure ( I got that one early) but not the Big C . ( though my Dad's family was ful of it)

Nope , no cancer in this family, they all lived well into their 90's, til about 2 years ago.
And the common factor, the thing they shared ( besides a childhood) was cigarettes. Lots of them.
* as I light one*
Out of 5 kids, 2 died of Cancer and one is still taking treatment, one has emphysema and the only one with no lung ailments at all, was the one who never smoked.

I'm ashamed to say, I smoked under the tree outside the Cancer Center that I took my Mom to for treatments. The county funded Clinic, for people with no insurance. Where sick people waited for 6 hours to see the Doctor, and an appointment for a simple blood test could mean a 3 hour wait. More than once we spent 10 hours there.

I once visted, under the tree, with a 47 yr old woman who was on her third time with breast cancer. She told me her hair had finally grown back after 2 years, that until the week before she'd thought it was finally gone for good. She lit a Marlboro, and told me she hated smoking, told me she couldn't believe that after surviving breast cancer twice, after losing her breasts and her hair and her job and her life, that she still couldn't quit smoking. She gently touched her head and told me, " I know it's only hair, but I hate to lose it again." Just before they called her in for the first treatment of her newest round of chemo.
She wasn't the only one.

It was no mistake that the Cancer Center had a Smoking Area under that tree. A bench and an ashtray, and rain or shine there were patients out there.

That tree was special though. I wish I knew what kind of tree it was ,( I 'm so bad at that garden type stuff). I can tell you that it's beautiful, and magical; and that no matter what the day brought, the weather was always perfect under that tree. I know many a time I went out there just to cry, but no one could cry under that tree. You felt better there. It's perfect, like it absorbs all the humanity of those sitting under it, and gives back only the best of it. On the stillest day, it's leaves rustle in a breeze that seem to come from within it. It never rained under that tree, it was never too hot or too cold. It was always Spring , and gentle breezes.
That tree , in that parking lot of the crappiest place ever, gives comfort.

But they smoke, the Cancer People. They smoke right before their treatments, right before they lie to the Doctor about not smoking, they smoke. They beg for a cig while gasping for breath on oxygen. I know.
*click - puff*
I've seen my future if I don't quit smoking these cancer sticks.
There is no excuse, I know what it feels like , I know what it looks like.
It's sick and bald and gasping for every tortured breath, it's hours of horrible treatments and leaving everything undone, leaving everyone too soon.
Who says that suicide is fast.