Bug Soup

A Broth of Rambling Thoughts ( with some morsels of 'silly' thrown in for flavor)

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A New and Improved Bug Soup! Now Minty Fresh!

Well, new anyway, I guess improved is yet to be seen.
But we at Bug Soup ( meaning me) are ever hopeful and optimistic.

Things have changed since my last posting.
( which was sometime in 2009, so I am sure we have all changed just a little bit )
But my life has had some big changes, and that is why I have decided to bring back the Soup, and write again. I hope people read me again, but if not, I'm still going to write for me.

I've been reading over some of my old stuff, and I was so delighted by some of those memories.  Even the sad stuff . (Who am I kidding, the happy stuff makes me cry now too.)
I just want to do that again, make myself laugh and cry at my own memories.

So,  the NEW BUG!
The new Buggy is no longer married, but she is, but she isn't.
I am not married, but I am not really single, I am in the early stages of this weird Widow thing.
Most everyone who will ever read this knows that my husband Steve died in October, but I feel like I should write it, for the blog, so I will.
Not all the details of his stroke and that awful week he was in the hospital (  not now anyway) , but something about  where I am with it.

It has been almost 6 months.
Mostly I feel I am okay, but sometimes I know I am not.
We were together 23 years, married nearly 21 years.
The first 10 were good,  the last 10 were more of a challenge. The last 2 were Hell.
I wish he were still alive, and I was here complaining about my bad divorce, because I was going to have to leave him.
The stress was going to kill one of us.

Instead of a divorce, I have a better job, am making more money, a better car ( insurance money, he wanted me to have a better car) , the house is mine, and my everyday life is way less stressful than it was.
I feel bad about that sometimes.

I wanted to be old with him.  I really did.
I wanted him to get better, his health, his alcoholism, our marriage.
I wanted to fix the unfixable, I wanted the marriage we should have had.
Right til the last day, I wanted that.
The last thing I said to him, that I know he heard was , " You have to get better, so we can fix this, and be happy together. You can't die, we can make it right"
He grabbed my arm, and pulled me to him and  he kissed me.
I thought  he wanted everything to be right, but now I know that he was saying goodbye.

I don't know how people with a good marriage feel when they lose a spouse.

Sometimes I feel lighter, and more together, capable and stronger
Sometimes I feel empty, and lost.
And sometimes, I feel like he is just in the other room and will come walking in at any moment  and say,
" Hello Baby!"

Sometimes  I think I am sugar-coating it in my mind,  giving the good memories more weight, and blurring the bad stuff.
I have that luxury now, he isn't being loud and mean anymore.
And he was good, and he did love me, for many years.  We had some really good times, and  I think holding on to the best stuff can only do me good.

I am sure I need to get some therapy,  talk to someone professional.

I am good, for the most part. I am "okay". I get up and go to work. I smile. I laugh.
I am thankful for what I have now, and looking forward.

I hope to use this space to move forward, and share my view of the world, and maybe tell some stories again.
I can't promise I won't be sad, but I'll always be honest ( and I will try to keep the dark stuff to a minimum)

I am writing again.
Welcome back to Bug Soup