Bug Soup

A Broth of Rambling Thoughts ( with some morsels of 'silly' thrown in for flavor)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Six Months? Really?

It's been since June I posted here?
That can't be right.
I think of witty things to post here all the time.
I dream interesting writings, I do.
How can it be that I don't actually type them out?

I won't bore you all with the tragic reasons why I don't write much (at all) anymore.
Some of you know them.
For the rest of you, the Prosaic isn't working like my Doctor promised. I didn't want anti-depressants, because I don't think I'm depressed. I wanted anti-anxiety meds because my life is fucked up beyond my control.
I am fine, the shit around me is messed up.
The reasons I can't sleep all night isn't me, it's the madman I'm married to.
My stress isn't internal, it's him.
My anxiety isn't chemical, it's him.

Although I will say in the 2 months that I've been on the Prosaic pills, that I have gotten up every morning, I am usually showered, I go to work when schedualed, and I haven't killed anyone. Yet.

My problems are my husband's alcohol consumption, and how he behaves after a fifth of whiskey. I am not sure how medicating me, fixes him.
Please note that I have not shaved my head, or cut myself before or since being medicated. So maybe it's working.
I have anxiety, I have stress, but I don't think it's me.

I don't write because everything I have to say is a big bummer.
I don't call becasuse I have no good news.
I have no happy funny stories to tell.
I laugh, but only because I want to cry, all the time.
( actually I think the meds might be helping with the "crying all the time" thing)

And with all this, Katie is gonna grow up, and leave me, and have a wonderful life.
I want to raise her all over again.
I would do it again.
I enjoyed her so much.

Time flies doesn't it?


Blogger yvonne said...

*hugs* to you Buggy. I wish for you peace and calm. Not that I can give it to you, but I wish you good things.

Hang in there, honey.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Breezy said...

I too wish you good things Buggy.


6:09 PM  
Blogger Puffy said...

One thing that is certain is that things change. I hope for good changes for you. Things will not always be this way. I hope you enjoy your Christmas! You deserve a good one!

8:39 PM  
Blogger kim (weltek) said...

I'm so happy to see an update from you. I worry, and your words make me feel like you are going to be ok. You are strong, even though it probably feels like you are crumbling down each day. It's still strength deep inside you that gets you and Katie through the weeks, the months, the years.

You are right, the meds aren't fixing him, but they are making life a little easier for you, even if just a miniscule little bit.

*hugs* I hope you find some joy and peace over the holidays. As Bono says, you are stuck in a moment in time. This too, shall pass. I'm not trying to be blase' about it, but there is truth in those words. Just as Puffy said, things WILL change, sometime, some day.

Never give up hope. We won't give up hoping for your happiness.

9:19 AM  
Blogger frodis said...

It is so hard to live with someone who is ill. There's no support group for it and when there's nothing you can do to fix him it's such a powerless feeling. You try to be understanding, you know that what's wrong with him isn't your fault and isn't something that you can fix, but it's so hard to be understanding, to keep "taking it" when you just can't take it anymore.

You're right that your meds aren't fixing him, but they're giving you a chance to maintain your own balance. You have to take what you can get.

I know what you mean about not writing or calling because you don't have anything good to say. I do that, too. I just try to find good things.

The good things are there - they are, and they're there to help you through this.

Stay strong, Buggy. I know you can do it and everyone above is right, this is just the "right now" right now. Take pride in your wonderful, bright, charming daughter and in what an amazing person she is and in the fact that she is a reflection of you.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Silvergirl said...

The love in these comments is wonderful, Buggy. I can't seem to find better words than those that are already written. I wish you peace and love. Those are things you deserve. I'm sorry you have to put up with a DH who drinks and is abusive. (((Hugs)))

5:34 AM  
Blogger moon said...


Wishing you a happy new year, a fresh New Year full of better things.

If you have an Al-Anon meeting place near you it might be worth checking out. A friend of mine found support there, she is coping much better-I see the change in her and I think it's helped her a lot. They've got meetings for teens, too.

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy hell, different places, same emotions. what happened to us erica and why are we not "normal"!!! Why cant we have a 'NORMAL' life!? So far away from you, different situations yet I know what your feeling. WTF! I wish we lived closer. LOVE YOU SIS!

4:09 AM  
Blogger dragonflies said...

I'll echo some of the comments Buggy. You and I have spoken (well, not voice spoken, but you know) and I've determined that us bday twins are strong women. Yes, change happens, but sometimes it doesn't. If you need it, YOU make it happen. My life is sometimes fvcked up too, but I keep saying, it's better than before. I figure as long as I have my friends in my life, you included, it'll be ok.

1:24 PM  
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4:04 AM  

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