I Need a TIVO

I am missing so much TV these days.
We have hundreds of channels, yet whenever I want to see something it's on opposite something else. Or I'll sit down to watch the tube for awhile and there is nothing on.
How can there be nothing on?
Flip Flip Flip
I search the guide.
There is something good! But it's already started and I hate to jump in the middle. Oh there's something else, but it ends too late.
And my Reality shows keep conflicting with each other.

Why are the movies I've been wanting to see always start at 10 a.m. on a work day or at 2 in the flipping morning??? I've decided all the good stuff is being kept from me, while I am stuck watching reruns of the The Surreal Life again.

Then there is the, what to turn the channel to as I fall asleep, dilemna.
I've found I am much less stressed and my mind doesn't wander to troubles and unfinished daytime business if I can just fall asleep while listening to quiet nonsense. But you have to pick the right thing. Decorating and cooking shows are out, you have to see what's going on, same with animal and travel channel stuff. Music doesn't work for me because songs get stuck in my head real easliy and I wake up with them still there. No News! No way. Movies are sometimes good, but it has to be something I've seen before, so I can picture it with my eyes closed, plus it has to have lots of dialouge, finding the perfect movie is tricky at night, and you never know what is coming on after. I hate waking up to a scary movie at 3 a.m.
My go to station is Comedy Central, South Park is funny even with your eyes closed, and now that Colin Quinn has been cancelled I don't have to fear hearing that idiot in my ears.

Usually I wake up to turn the TV off before the morning infomercials start. But there is always the chance I'll wake up wondering why I dreamt I was a Pilates instructor, or knowing that I NEED a portable steamer , if I just had a portable steamer my house would be clean and all my troubles would just magically dissapear. Steam cures everything.

I've just realized I have a serious TV scheduale conflict Tuesday evening.
The finale of The Amazing Race is on, and at the same time over on the Travel channel , John Ratzenburg is doing a special hour long tour of the Pyrex factory.

I need a TIVO thing, and fast.