I'm a Widow

I really am.
What  an odd state of being..

Six months, I have been without my husband, and yet  a day does not go by that I don't speak of him, talk of him as if he were just in the other room.

It isn't even about thinking of him everyday, I talk about him.
Sometimes as if he were still alive , still my daily spouse.

This week is the six month anniversary of the week he was in the hospital, the last week he lived.
And this coming Saturday is the anniversary of his passing.

I will be remembering him at  Texas Motor Speedway.
At a place where we should have gone more, a symbol of  a shared interest.
For 10 years he promised to take me to the Race  " next year" .
Now I am going, without him.
I've done alot of things without him in the last six months.

I was alone for our 21st Wedding Anniversary, without him.
I remembered his 54th Birthday, without him.
We had Thanksgiving and Christmas without him.
We celebrated our Daughters 21st Birthday without him.
I got a promotion at work, I bought a car, we planted a garden, I paid some bills...

I got up, out of bed, every single day for the last 6 months, without him.

(And before anyone starts thinking that I am brave or strong, just know, that I got up because I didn't know what else to do)

I  recently said to a friend, that now he is the perfect husband.
" I can still Love him, but now he is never mean to me, never starts an argument , never pisses me off"

Everyday it gets easier to forget what an asshole he was.
So much an asshole the last few years.
But he's gone now,  the good and the bad and the inbetween.
I don't want to be sad, but it's almost harder,  that things aren't harder, without him.

My regrets are all about fixing things.
We will never be able to make us better, and that hurts me.
There is no chance to make it better, no chance to get the life we were meant ti have, the life I wanted us to have.
But there was no chance anyway, he was never going to get better, he was never going to deal with his addiction , or his health. issues, or our marriage.
And I was never going to leave him, even though I should have.

So what do you do, when you are sad  because you are not as broken as you were?

Music hurts me.
Music was his thing.
Out of nowhere it hits me and makes me cry.

"Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes."

P!nk - Crystal Ball


Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say,
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face.
There's no one quite like you, you push all my buttons down,
I know life would suck without you.

P!nk - True Love

S