Bug Soup

A Broth of Rambling Thoughts ( with some morsels of 'silly' thrown in for flavor)

Friday, April 19, 2013

Hey! I'm Working Over Here!

Get outta my way, because I got stuff to do.
The new job
( promotion from Customer Service to Associate Manager , just in case you hadn't heard)
keeps me busy busy busy.

There are things I never knew about stores before I worked in the retail industry..
Like , it never occurred to me all those shelves, move. They do!
(and people take them in and out, and move them up and down, and sometimes the shelves hate certain  people and bruise their arms, and scratch them. Stupid Shelves!)

All those signs that you may see, but don't really notice; someone is constantly checking them and changing them , and moving them and updating them.  Special sale prices have different signs, and dated signs have to be pulled. It's a thing stores do, all the time.
And had I'd never worked retail, I would have continued to take it all for granted. I would've never noticed most of it at all.

I find myself so busy, the hours just fly.
Sometimes I really don't want to go to the Store, but I get there, and I get busy, and I am  content. I leave exhausted, feet aching, and I am pleased with myself.

Some days it is my job, and like any JOB, it can be annoying.
Sometimes though, it's like this great puzzle.
Make the pieces fit, and do it so it looks good.
Just give me a project,  I got this.

The people are good. I got co-workers who feel like a second family, and 98% of my customers are great!

I never would have thought that a Store was the place for me, but I think I'm good at it, and I think sometimes that is enough.
It wasn't ever on my list of "Dream Careers"  but maybe it still fits in a way.
I am not a make-up artist for the movies, but I can reset the make-up display.
I am not creating Art, but I can balance color and shapes into appealing displays that lots of people look at.
I am not a Teacher, but I can teach a willing co-worker to do a good job ( and sometimes share a bit of wisdom about life)
So, it may not be my dream, but I can enjoy it as if it were all my dreams.
And who knows, someday I may do some of those other things , or all of those other things.

When I was very little, my Mom  used to clean out cans and save empty cereal boxes for us, so we could play "Store".  I'd forgotten about that for many years.

I liked playing  "Store"

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I'm a Widow

I really am.
What  an odd state of being..

Six months, I have been without my husband, and yet  a day does not go by that I don't speak of him, talk of him as if he were just in the other room.

It isn't even about thinking of him everyday, I talk about him.
Sometimes as if he were still alive , still my daily spouse.

This week is the six month anniversary of the week he was in the hospital, the last week he lived.
And this coming Saturday is the anniversary of his passing.

I will be remembering him at  Texas Motor Speedway.
At a place where we should have gone more, a symbol of  a shared interest.
For 10 years he promised to take me to the Race  " next year" .
Now I am going, without him.
I've done alot of things without him in the last six months.

I was alone for our 21st Wedding Anniversary, without him.
I remembered his 54th Birthday, without him.
We had Thanksgiving and Christmas without him.
We celebrated our Daughters 21st Birthday without him.
I got a promotion at work, I bought a car, we planted a garden, I paid some bills...

I got up, out of bed, every single day for the last 6 months, without him.

(And before anyone starts thinking that I am brave or strong, just know, that I got up because I didn't know what else to do)

I  recently said to a friend, that now he is the perfect husband.
" I can still Love him, but now he is never mean to me, never starts an argument , never pisses me off"

Everyday it gets easier to forget what an asshole he was.
So much an asshole the last few years.
But he's gone now,  the good and the bad and the inbetween.
I don't want to be sad, but it's almost harder,  that things aren't harder, without him.

My regrets are all about fixing things.
We will never be able to make us better, and that hurts me.
There is no chance to make it better, no chance to get the life we were meant ti have, the life I wanted us to have.
But there was no chance anyway, he was never going to get better, he was never going to deal with his addiction , or his health. issues, or our marriage.
And I was never going to leave him, even though I should have.

So what do you do, when you are sad  because you are not as broken as you were?

Music hurts me.
Music was his thing.
Out of nowhere it hits me and makes me cry.

"Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes."

P!nk - Crystal Ball

Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say,
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face.
There's no one quite like you, you push all my buttons down,
I know life would suck without you.

P!nk - True Love


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A New and Improved Bug Soup! Now Minty Fresh!

Well, new anyway, I guess improved is yet to be seen.
But we at Bug Soup ( meaning me) are ever hopeful and optimistic.

Things have changed since my last posting.
( which was sometime in 2009, so I am sure we have all changed just a little bit )
But my life has had some big changes, and that is why I have decided to bring back the Soup, and write again. I hope people read me again, but if not, I'm still going to write for me.

I've been reading over some of my old stuff, and I was so delighted by some of those memories.  Even the sad stuff . (Who am I kidding, the happy stuff makes me cry now too.)
I just want to do that again, make myself laugh and cry at my own memories.

So,  the NEW BUG!
The new Buggy is no longer married, but she is, but she isn't.
I am not married, but I am not really single, I am in the early stages of this weird Widow thing.
Most everyone who will ever read this knows that my husband Steve died in October, but I feel like I should write it, for the blog, so I will.
Not all the details of his stroke and that awful week he was in the hospital (  not now anyway) , but something about  where I am with it.

It has been almost 6 months.
Mostly I feel I am okay, but sometimes I know I am not.
We were together 23 years, married nearly 21 years.
The first 10 were good,  the last 10 were more of a challenge. The last 2 were Hell.
I wish he were still alive, and I was here complaining about my bad divorce, because I was going to have to leave him.
The stress was going to kill one of us.

Instead of a divorce, I have a better job, am making more money, a better car ( insurance money, he wanted me to have a better car) , the house is mine, and my everyday life is way less stressful than it was.
I feel bad about that sometimes.

I wanted to be old with him.  I really did.
I wanted him to get better, his health, his alcoholism, our marriage.
I wanted to fix the unfixable, I wanted the marriage we should have had.
Right til the last day, I wanted that.
The last thing I said to him, that I know he heard was , " You have to get better, so we can fix this, and be happy together. You can't die, we can make it right"
He grabbed my arm, and pulled me to him and  he kissed me.
I thought  he wanted everything to be right, but now I know that he was saying goodbye.

I don't know how people with a good marriage feel when they lose a spouse.

Sometimes I feel lighter, and more together, capable and stronger
Sometimes I feel empty, and lost.
And sometimes, I feel like he is just in the other room and will come walking in at any moment  and say,
" Hello Baby!"

Sometimes  I think I am sugar-coating it in my mind,  giving the good memories more weight, and blurring the bad stuff.
I have that luxury now, he isn't being loud and mean anymore.
And he was good, and he did love me, for many years.  We had some really good times, and  I think holding on to the best stuff can only do me good.

I am sure I need to get some therapy,  talk to someone professional.

I am good, for the most part. I am "okay". I get up and go to work. I smile. I laugh.
I am thankful for what I have now, and looking forward.

I hope to use this space to move forward, and share my view of the world, and maybe tell some stories again.
I can't promise I won't be sad, but I'll always be honest ( and I will try to keep the dark stuff to a minimum)

I am writing again.
Welcome back to Bug Soup

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Six Months? Really?

It's been since June I posted here?
That can't be right.
I think of witty things to post here all the time.
I dream interesting writings, I do.
How can it be that I don't actually type them out?

I won't bore you all with the tragic reasons why I don't write much (at all) anymore.
Some of you know them.
For the rest of you, the Prosaic isn't working like my Doctor promised. I didn't want anti-depressants, because I don't think I'm depressed. I wanted anti-anxiety meds because my life is fucked up beyond my control.
I am fine, the shit around me is messed up.
The reasons I can't sleep all night isn't me, it's the madman I'm married to.
My stress isn't internal, it's him.
My anxiety isn't chemical, it's him.

Although I will say in the 2 months that I've been on the Prosaic pills, that I have gotten up every morning, I am usually showered, I go to work when schedualed, and I haven't killed anyone. Yet.

My problems are my husband's alcohol consumption, and how he behaves after a fifth of whiskey. I am not sure how medicating me, fixes him.
Please note that I have not shaved my head, or cut myself before or since being medicated. So maybe it's working.
I have anxiety, I have stress, but I don't think it's me.

I don't write because everything I have to say is a big bummer.
I don't call becasuse I have no good news.
I have no happy funny stories to tell.
I laugh, but only because I want to cry, all the time.
( actually I think the meds might be helping with the "crying all the time" thing)

And with all this, Katie is gonna grow up, and leave me, and have a wonderful life.
I want to raise her all over again.
I would do it again.
I enjoyed her so much.

Time flies doesn't it?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I Get By

With a little help from my friends

So things are good with me, and mine.
Hubby quit drinking 2 weeks ago, but before anyone cheers, he is trying to do it on his own, without medical attention, and without a program or a plan.
Things have been better, but I fear that he will fail without something more.
I worry, but then I always worry.
The most useless of emotions is, worry.
It is.
Whatever will happen, will happen. Anticipated stress over something not yet real, is worry.
But I do it. I worry. I lose sleep over stuff I can't control.
I am hopeful that Steve's recovery will work, because our family needs it to.
And frankly, I'd gotten afraid that he might accidentally drink himself to death. It had gotten that bad.
But it's better now, so much better.
And he sometimes does little things, little thoughtful things, that show me it's better, that he is getting better.

That's me, ever hopeful.

I guess I need to learn to Let it Be.

Money - That's What I Want!

Money can't buy me love.
But it can pay the bills, and we have had troubles making the ends meet at the end of the month, and sometimes in the middle. I am oh so grateful, oh so thankful that Hubby still has his job, but the cut in overtime has cost us about $ 400 a month. At first it was easy, now it is catching up with us.
Have you ever had one of those months when everything breaks at the same time?
Have you ever had one of those months at the same time that you were having a broke month?
Oh we're okay, we got enough to get us through, oh wait, what? The car broke? Oh okay, we'll juggle this and then we'll ... what? The truck battery? Okay, we can borrow 50 from the kid til payday, wah? Not the A/C, it's 95 degrees with 90% humidity! Oh Okay, we'll ummm, we'll lie around naked under the ceiling fan til we get paid next week, and we'll juggle this bill, the water is due and the electric is late because we stalled it last month , but we can make it til ... WHAT? The garage door opener broke? *sigh*

And that all would be temporary stress, until I wake up at 3 a.m. and realize that my kid just became a senior in High School, and that she still can't drive, and we have to get another car because she is scared of the stick shift and I'm not sure she has the right social skills, and we have NO COLLEGE FUND!
Working class hero, my ass!
The working class hero wakes up in the middle of the night in a sweat.
And we are doing better than most, we don't have to worry about losing the house, and we have no credit card debt. We haver no credit, but we have no debt. We still have jobs.

Here Comes The Sun

But it always gets better.
It does. I know.
The storms come, and it's hard, but the sun rises.
And you have to just get up in the morning.
Sometimes, getting up in the morning makes you a success. Just that.

My Mom used to tell me, " Stand up straight, put on some lipstick, and do it!"
That's it, right?
Put your face on and go get it. Just get up and get on with it.
Make your own sun, shine your own light.

Let it Be!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

New Post- Little Gems

Weltek wanted a new post, she is lovely and I adore her so I want to give her something new, something fresh.
Something not about what an asshole my Husband is. Because goodness knows we are all tired of what an asshole my Husband is ( note that Weltak never called my Hubby an asshole, I did)

I wish I had something to talk about that was happy and positive and didn't revolve around the abusive idiot I married.

Maybe I do, because you know I look for those gems, those little things that help me get through the shit. Sometimes it's hard to find those gems, (tonight it's very hard) sometimes it's hard to write good stuff when all I think about is messy . But I am happy to search for them.
Sometimes I have to remind myself to search for them.

Today's little gems!

The Library Book Sale!

Twice a year our local County Library does a used book sale. If you've been reading here for awhile you know I've written about it before. It is awesome!
I don't read as much as I used to to, I don't read as much as I'd like to, but I have books.
I have to have them.
Like stashed candy, hidden away for when I really need it (or that tiny little stash of pot that I never smoke, but I know it's there)
I have books.
I have books I don't even know I have.

The Library Used Book Sale is 2 huge rooms full of books. Tables and tables and tables of books.
New books, and most hardcovers go for $1.00, some special books ( or more popular authors) are $2.00. Paperbacks for 25 to 50 cents. Books on tape for $2, old CD's for $1, they even have some DVD's for under $3.
It's an amazing thing!
I live for the Book Sale!
I wish I could bring you all with me to the Book Sale!

I come home with a huge bag filled with more than I can read, always.

Today I spent $15.00.
I came home with 9 books for me, 2 CD's for the idiot I married, 3 children's books for the kids nextdoor ( Katie picked them so she would have something new to read to them when she babysits. Isn't she amazing? I'm so proud of her.)
2 paperbacks for Katie, and a beautiful color photo travelbook of Japan, that she Loves.
( We searched and searched for something similar for France, maybe next time.)
All that for 15 bucks!
And let's not forget the joy of just touching all those books for 2 hours.

The sale is held in the Old Library, the part that has been there since the late 1800's ( there is some very cool very historic old shit in my town, people!)
It smells like books, and History, and it's beautiful.

Of course I still have a big bag of books that won't fit in my shelves ( and I have several bookshelves, and many baskets for them) from the last book sale, but that's okay. I will never be without something good to read. Ever.

And a bonus is a recommendation.
Last book sale I bought a book just because I liked the cover, and I picked it up a week ago; finished it yesterday.
Janet Fitch - Paint it Black
She wrote White Oleander, but I didn't know that when I bought Paint it Black
Get it! Read it! It's amazing!

I'm Fat

Okay so I'm not so much as I used to be , FAT, but I've been slacking and put on some weight.
Okay, so slacking is an understatment. ( and maybe some weight, is an understatement too)
I have type 2 diabetes, and I'm good when I watch what I eat and keep my weight down and excercise , take my meds , and control my stress.
( LAUGH! The stress is the hardest one to control, and it really isn't under my control at all)

After the booksale we stopped into the awesomely amazing store , Sweet Repeats.
One of the resale clothing stores in my town. ( There used to be 0ne, now there are four. I have only been to 2 of them).
I tried some on clothes, and then scrapped our original lunch plans for a place that served a salad. ( Katie was pissed ) .
I did find a great pair of jeans for 12 bucks, and Katie found a beautiful pair of crystal dangly earrings for $8.
I could have found more if I'd been in the mood to look at larger sizes, but it was humid out and I didn't want to totally burn my Book Sale Buzz.

Yes, This all about Shopping, You Gotta a Problem with That?

I wanted happy, you wanted happy ( you know you did).
This is the happy.
Oh and I bought a Shark floor steam cleaner washer thing at my work Friday.
I have wanted one forever, ( really really wanted one after Pam bragged about hers) but just couldn't afford it.
But for $55 bucks and then another 20% off with my employee discount, I had to have it.
We only had 10 of them in the store, and by Sunday they would be gone. I took them off the truck, I put them on the shelf, I already owned it, I had to take it home.

It is in the trunk of my car. It will stay there til Hubby goes to work on Monday.
He won't even notice it if I get rid of the box.
The sad thing is that I worked hard for it, and we can afford it, but he would still bitch about it.

Really Talented Kids - A True Tale of a High School Musical

Tonight we went to the High School Musical Production of The Music Man , at my daughter's school.
We went because Katie likes a boy who was in the production.
It was so good!
Her friend played several parts, and he was in most of the show, and he was very good.
Very good!
And overall the entire show was very entertaining!
I never knew that our High School auditorum had an actual orchestra pit in the stage.
For real!
The production had live music, and it was great!!
The kids were all very talented. I mean VERY talented.
It was so fun!
We got there early, so we had great seats until Katie saw some of her friends and we went and sat with them. The seats not so great, the friends not so polite.
Katie has trouble with social issues. She has to work at that which many of us find easy.
The social thing.
And to be honest, I struggle with understanding it.
The social thing is natural for me.
I get it, make eye contact, be friendly, be polite. I can talk to anyone.
Katie struggles with that. She is working at it, but making friends is hard for her.
Fitting in is an issue for her.
But these kids were less socially apt then she is.
Katie introduced me to her friends , she was polite, they were rude.
( And maybe I am just old, but people should wash their hair, just saying)

Anyway, my daughter was lovely, and her friend performed so well in the show. ( He's a cutie!)
The Show was so good! So Fun!!!
I may start going to High School performances just for entetainment.
Live theatre for 10 bucks a ticket, can't beat it for the price, and I am all about the little gems.

Love ya all

Sunday, March 15, 2009

My Hubby Is a Butthead

Oh , he makes me so mad!

So the idiot finally cleans out the gutters today ( he hasn't quite grasped the whole "houses need maintenance' thing) and after some mild nagging ( months), he borrows the neighbors ladder , ( because the one we have sucks, but he told me we didn't need a new one, even though the one we have I bought at a garage sale for 2 bucks and it is wooden and short and shakey, and I have to manage to paint the house with it, whatever!) and FIANALLY is going to clean the gutters.

He comes in after about an hour and rants about how bad the job is.

" The gutters have 3 inches of yuck in them!" They smell! It's like they haven't been cleaned in 3 years!!!!!!"

They haven't been cleaned in 3 years.
( Does he think we had some special self-cleaning rain gutters?)
I didn't say it, but who does he thinks does everything else?
Umm, does he think his laundry doesn't smell?
Gee, where does he think those underwear he drops all over the bathroom floor go?
Does he think the windows don't get dirty?
Who does he think does EVERYTHING ELSE!!!

I wanted to fire the gardener because it costs too much and they don't even do a good job.
I said that for less than one months cost we could buy a lawnmower, and he says, " So you wanna mow the lawn?"

I didn't even feel sorry for him when he fell off the ladder.

"Do you need to go to the Hospital?"
"Then take an asprin and shut up"

My Husband does NOTHING!!!! around the house, EVER!!!!

Last weekend he decided he was going to help me with laundry. He ran 5 loads of laundry, and dumps all of it on the sofa as it came out of the dryer. It took me 3 hours to sort and fold and hang and re-wash on Monday.
Okay, Thanks for all the help.

I do everything!
Now He thinks I should work more hours.

The only thing he does is take out the trash on Sunday night, when he remembers.
He doesn't do other stuff, because he " Works for a living!"

Am I crazy, or is he a total BUTTHEAD!?