Bug Soup

Six Months? Really?

2009-12-20T00:39:00.002-06:00

It's been since June I posted here?
That can't be right.
I think of witty things to post here all the time.
I dream interesting writings, I do.
How can it be that I don't actually type them out?

I won't bore you all with the tragic reasons why I don't write much (at all) anymore.
Some of you know them.
For the rest of you, the Prosaic isn't working like my Doctor promised. I didn't want anti-depressants, because I don't think I'm depressed. I wanted anti-anxiety meds because my life is fucked up beyond my control.
I am fine, the shit around me is messed up.
The reasons I can't sleep all night isn't me, it's the madman I'm married to.
My stress isn't internal, it's him.
My anxiety isn't chemical, it's him.

Although I will say in the 2 months that I've been on the Prosaic pills, that I have gotten up every morning, I am usually showered, I go to work when schedualed, and I haven't killed anyone. Yet.

My problems are my husband's alcohol consumption, and how he behaves after a fifth of whiskey. I am not sure how medicating me, fixes him.
Please note that I have not shaved my head, or cut myself before or since being medicated. So maybe it's working.
I have anxiety, I have stress, but I don't think it's me.

I don't write because everything I have to say is a big bummer.
I don't call becasuse I have no good news.
I have no happy funny stories to tell.
I laugh, but only because I want to cry, all the time.
( actually I think the meds might be helping with the "crying all the time" thing)

And with all this, Katie is gonna grow up, and leave me, and have a wonderful life.
I want to raise her all over again.
I would do it again.
I enjoyed her so much.

Time flies doesn't it?

I Get By

2009-06-13T21:27:00.007-05:00

With a little help from my friends

So things are good with me, and mine.
Hubby quit drinking 2 weeks ago, but before anyone cheers, he is trying to do it on his own, without medical attention, and without a program or a plan.
Things have been better, but I fear that he will fail without something more.
I worry, but then I always worry.
The most useless of emotions is, worry.
It is.
Whatever will happen, will happen. Anticipated stress over something not yet real, is worry.
But I do it. I worry. I lose sleep over stuff I can't control.
I am hopeful that Steve's recovery will work, because our family needs it to.
And frankly, I'd gotten afraid that he might accidentally drink himself to death. It had gotten that bad.
But it's better now, so much better.
And he sometimes does little things, little thoughtful things, that show me it's better, that he is getting better.

That's me, ever hopeful.

I guess I need to learn to Let it Be.

Money - That's What I Want!

Money can't buy me love.
But it can pay the bills, and we have had troubles making the ends meet at the end of the month, and sometimes in the middle. I am oh so grateful, oh so thankful that Hubby still has his job, but the cut in overtime has cost us about $ 400 a month. At first it was easy, now it is catching up with us.
Have you ever had one of those months when everything breaks at the same time?
Have you ever had one of those months at the same time that you were having a broke month?
Oh we're okay, we got enough to get us through, oh wait, what? The car broke? Oh okay, we'll juggle this and then we'll ... what? The truck battery? Okay, we can borrow 50 from the kid til payday, wah? Not the A/C, it's 95 degrees with 90% humidity! Oh Okay, we'll ummm, we'll lie around naked under the ceiling fan til we get paid next week, and we'll juggle this bill, the water is due and the electric is late because we stalled it last month , but we can make it til ... WHAT? The garage door opener broke? *sigh*

And that all would be temporary stress, until I wake up at 3 a.m. and realize that my kid just became a senior in High School, and that she still can't drive, and we have to get another car because she is scared of the stick shift and I'm not sure she has the right social skills, and we have NO COLLEGE FUND!
Fuck!
Working class hero, my ass!
The working class hero wakes up in the middle of the night in a sweat.
And we are doing better than most, we don't have to worry about losing the house, and we have no credit card debt. We haver no credit, but we have no debt. We still have jobs.

Here Comes The Sun

But it always gets better.
It does. I know.
The storms come, and it's hard, but the sun rises.
And you have to just get up in the morning.
Sometimes, getting up in the morning makes you a success. Just that.

My Mom used to tell me, " Stand up straight, put on some lipstick, and do it!"
That's it, right?
Put your face on and go get it. Just get up and get on with it.
Make your own sun, shine your own light.

Let it Be!

New Post- Little Gems

2009-04-26T00:43:00.006-05:00

Weltek wanted a new post, she is lovely and I adore her so I want to give her something new, something fresh.
Something not about what an asshole my Husband is. Because goodness knows we are all tired of what an asshole my Husband is ( note that Weltak never called my Hubby an asshole, I did)

I wish I had something to talk about that was happy and positive and didn't revolve around the abusive idiot I married.

Maybe I do, because you know I look for those gems, those little things that help me get through the shit. Sometimes it's hard to find those gems, (tonight it's very hard) sometimes it's hard to write good stuff when all I think about is messy . But I am happy to search for them.
Sometimes I have to remind myself to search for them.

Today's little gems!

The Library Book Sale!

Twice a year our local County Library does a used book sale. If you've been reading here for awhile you know I've written about it before. It is awesome!
I don't read as much as I used to to, I don't read as much as I'd like to, but I have books.
I have to have them.
Like stashed candy, hidden away for when I really need it (or that tiny little stash of pot that I never smoke, but I know it's there)
I have books.
I have books I don't even know I have.

The Library Used Book Sale is 2 huge rooms full of books. Tables and tables and tables of books.
New books, and most hardcovers go for $1.00, some special books ( or more popular authors) are $2.00. Paperbacks for 25 to 50 cents. Books on tape for $2, old CD's for $1, they even have some DVD's for under $3.
It's an amazing thing!
I live for the Book Sale!
I wish I could bring you all with me to the Book Sale!

I come home with a huge bag filled with more than I can read, always.

Today I spent $15.00.
FIFTEEN BUCKS!
I came home with 9 books for me, 2 CD's for the idiot I married, 3 children's books for the kids nextdoor ( Katie picked them so she would have something new to read to them when she babysits. Isn't she amazing? I'm so proud of her.)
2 paperbacks for Katie, and a beautiful color photo travelbook of Japan, that she Loves.
( We searched and searched for something similar for France, maybe next time.)
All that for 15 bucks!
And let's not forget the joy of just touching all those books for 2 hours.
Ahhhhhhh!

The sale is held in the Old Library, the part that has been there since the late 1800's ( there is some very cool very historic old shit in my town, people!)
It smells like books, and History, and it's beautiful.

Of course I still have a big bag of books that won't fit in my shelves ( and I have several bookshelves, and many baskets for them) from the last book sale, but that's okay. I will never be without something good to read. Ever.

And a bonus is a recommendation.
Last book sale I bought a book just because I liked the cover, and I picked it up a week ago; finished it yesterday.
Janet Fitch - Paint it Black
She wrote White Oleander, but I didn't know that when I bought Paint it Black
Get it! Read it! It's amazing!

I'm Fat

Okay so I'm not so much as I used to be , FAT, but I've been slacking and put on some weight.
Okay, so slacking is an understatment. ( and maybe some weight, is an understatement too)
I have type 2 diabetes, and I'm good when I watch what I eat and keep my weight down and excercise , take my meds , and control my stress.
( LAUGH! The stress is the hardest one to control, and it really isn't under my control at all)

After the booksale we stopped into the awesomely amazing store , Sweet Repeats.
One of the resale clothing stores in my town. ( There used to be 0ne, now there are four. I have only been to 2 of them).
I tried some on clothes, and then scrapped our original lunch plans for a place that served a salad. ( Katie was pissed ) .
I did find a great pair of jeans for 12 bucks, and Katie found a beautiful pair of crystal dangly earrings for $8.
I could have found more if I'd been in the mood to look at larger sizes, but it was humid out and I didn't want to totally burn my Book Sale Buzz.

Yes, This all about Shopping, You Gotta a Problem with That?

I wanted happy, you wanted happy ( you know you did).
This is the happy.
Oh and I bought a Shark floor steam cleaner washer thing at my work Friday.
I have wanted one forever, ( really really wanted one after Pam bragged about hers) but just couldn't afford it.
But for $55 bucks and then another 20% off with my employee discount, I had to have it.
We only had 10 of them in the store, and by Sunday they would be gone. I took them off the truck, I put them on the shelf, I already owned it, I had to take it home.

It is in the trunk of my car. It will stay there til Hubby goes to work on Monday.
He won't even notice it if I get rid of the box.
The sad thing is that I worked hard for it, and we can afford it, but he would still bitch about it.

Really Talented Kids - A True Tale of a High School Musical

Tonight we went to the High School Musical Production of The Music Man , at my daughter's school.
We went because Katie likes a boy who was in the production.
It was so good!
Her friend played several parts, and he was in most of the show, and he was very good.
Very good!
And overall the entire show was very entertaining!
I never knew that our High School auditorum had an actual orchestra pit in the stage.
For real!
The production had live music, and it was great!!
The kids were all very talented. I mean VERY talented.
It was so fun!
We got there early, so we had great seats until Katie saw some of her friends and we went and sat with them. The seats not so great, the friends not so polite.
Katie has trouble with social issues. She has to work at that which many of us find easy.
The social thing.
And to be honest, I struggle with understanding it.
The social thing is natural for me.
I get it, make eye contact, be friendly, be polite. I can talk to anyone.
Katie struggles with that. She is working at it, but making friends is hard for her.
Fitting in is an issue for her.
But these kids were less socially apt then she is.
Katie introduced me to her friends , she was polite, they were rude.
( And maybe I am just old, but people should wash their hair, just saying)

Anyway, my daughter was lovely, and her friend performed so well in the show. ( He's a cutie!)
The Show was so good! So Fun!!!
I may start going to High School performances just for entetainment.
Live theatre for 10 bucks a ticket, can't beat it for the price, and I am all about the little gems.

Love ya all

My Hubby Is a Butthead

2009-03-15T23:21:00.002-05:00

Oh , he makes me so mad!

So the idiot finally cleans out the gutters today ( he hasn't quite grasped the whole "houses need maintenance' thing) and after some mild nagging ( months), he borrows the neighbors ladder , ( because the one we have sucks, but he told me we didn't need a new one, even though the one we have I bought at a garage sale for 2 bucks and it is wooden and short and shakey, and I have to manage to paint the house with it, whatever!) and FIANALLY is going to clean the gutters.

He comes in after about an hour and rants about how bad the job is.

" The gutters have 3 inches of yuck in them!" They smell! It's like they haven't been cleaned in 3 years!!!!!!"

Yes.
So?
They haven't been cleaned in 3 years.
( Does he think we had some special self-cleaning rain gutters?)
I didn't say it, but who does he thinks does everything else?
Umm, does he think his laundry doesn't smell?
Gee, where does he think those underwear he drops all over the bathroom floor go?
Does he think the windows don't get dirty?
Who does he think does EVERYTHING ELSE!!!

I wanted to fire the gardener because it costs too much and they don't even do a good job.
I said that for less than one months cost we could buy a lawnmower, and he says, " So you wanna mow the lawn?"

I didn't even feel sorry for him when he fell off the ladder.

"Do you need to go to the Hospital?"
"No"
"Then take an asprin and shut up"

My Husband does NOTHING!!!! around the house, EVER!!!!

Last weekend he decided he was going to help me with laundry. He ran 5 loads of laundry, and dumps all of it on the sofa as it came out of the dryer. It took me 3 hours to sort and fold and hang and re-wash on Monday.
Okay, Thanks for all the help.

I do everything!
EV ER Y THING!
Now He thinks I should work more hours.
OH MY GOD!

The only thing he does is take out the trash on Sunday night, when he remembers.
He doesn't do other stuff, because he " Works for a living!"

Am I crazy, or is he a total BUTTHEAD!?

Dirty Secrets

2009-03-14T00:59:00.004-05:00

Do you wanna be on top?

I love that theme song for America's Next top Model.
I don't watch the show in real time, I don't watch the new season, but I am addicted to the marathon's of past seasons they show on Oxygen each week.
You mean I can watch an entire season of a Reality show in one day????
Oh My, I am so there!

I can't stand Tyra on her talk show, ( she pretends it's about 'real' but it's totally about looks and surface shit) but give me the over the top crazy Tyra on ANTM, and I love it!
On Sunday's they do a whole season of ANTM, and then they rerun it again on Monday.
I watch on Monday til 7 p.m. and then record the last 3 hours to watch later in the week.
( It's perfect, I'm home alone, I get laundry done, I can practice my fierce looks)

I guess it was appropriate that I was watching recorded episodes of Top Model on Thursday afternoon when I got the phone call that my Aunt Sue had died.

The phone rang, I did my fierce runway walk down the hall til I heard the message on the machine.

My Aunt Sue, the glamorous one , in a family of beautiful women.
She was mistaken for Elizabeth Tayler more than once in the 60's, in fact one of Sue's favorite stories was that she ran into Richard Burton in a bar in Palm Springs , and he told her that she looked just like his wife.
Think Liz Taylor in Giant, yes, that beautiful.
Sue was stunning.
She was also a huge superficial bitch.

Aunt Sue told me when I was 13 that I should be a model.
She taught me how to walk and how to shape my brows, and told me that as soon as I was tall I' could be famous.
In the 70's all models were tall, and blond, and had perfect teeth, I had none of those things.
But Shu Shu gave me confidence, and a runway walk, even though I never got taller than 5'4"

I am going to sound horrible here, but she was mean.
Much as I loved her, since hearing about her passing, most of my memories of her are bad.
I keep trying to think of good things.
She was a real bitch.

So my Runway walk wasn't as sharp as it could have been, since I had a little medical condition.
A not so little boil, at the top of my leg, you might say in my groin area ( my Doctor did).
It wasn't as big as a golf ball, but it wasn't much smaller than one either.
I have never had pain like that ever.
I was looking on the internet to find a remedy, and everything said that if your boil lasts more than a week and if you have Diabeties , go to the Doctor.
Hot compresses weren't working and it had been 3 weeks, and I knew I needed to see the Doc.
OMG!!!! It hurt sooo bad!
Like the most painful thing ever!
The Doctor stuck a needle in me and I know I went pale because I felt my face go cold and I heard her saying, " breathe Erica, breathe through your nose".
I almost passed out, it hurt so bad.
It still hurts, but not like it did.
Horrible.

I could have been America's Next Top Model, but instead I'm a short middle aged housewife with boils.

I have really well groomed eyebrows, and a fierce runway walk though.
Thanks Auntie Sue.

I'll miss you

March Stuff

2009-02-28T23:08:00.008-06:00

Katie

Monday is my baby's Birthday.

Happy Birthday Katie!

We knew she was going to be a C-section, ( she was breach from 6 months on, never would turn, that stubborn thing) and I was so afraid she would be born on Leap Day.

Seventeen.

I was an adult at 17, she isn't yet, and I am so glad for that.

But just the thought that my child is 17, makes me cry.

I don't want her to change, I love her just the way she is right now.

I have loved her just the way she is every year, so I am sure I will be just as happy with her when she is 18, and 20 and 30.

Those of you with small kids, don't blink, it goes so fast. Too fast.

The photo is Katie at 12, one of my favorites.

Advertisments

Or as my Grandmother used to say "Ad VER tis ments"

I said to my Hubby a couple of years ago that if McDonalds stopped running ads we wouldn't forget they existed.

Weird thing is that today I realized that I hadn't seen a MickieD ad for awhile. I saw an online ad for McDonalds, that made me realize that I hadn't seen a TV commercial in a long while. They used to run on the TV all day, but when was the last time you saw a McD's ad on the TV?

Think about it.

And Car company ads were thick, but not lately.

I think it's a money thing.

McDonalds is doing okay, so they don't need to spend money on TV comercials, Car companies can't afford as many TV spots so they are fewer.

I think it's a money thing.

Just an observation.

MARCH FORTH

March 4th, march forth!

Say it outloud.

March FORTH!

My Mom used to say it was a special day because of how it sounded.

In my family it was another chance to start the new year.

Did your year start off badly? Did you already fuck up your resolutions?

Well you get another chance go start over, yes you do.

March Fourth!

It's nearly Spring and you can just march right into it.

Yes!

It's new, new year start.

Celebrate MarchForth!

Stuff You Should Do

Besides marching forth and hugging your kids ( and taking pictures when they are little, I didn't take enough pictures)

You should

Send some mental *HUGS* to Silvergirl and her family. They have some health concerns and could use the good thoughts and prayers.

Call an old friend, someone you haven't talked to in awhile.

I talked to 2 friends last week that I hadn't connected with in years. Both are people I have known for about 30 yrs. They are your past, they share your memories.

( For me it was refreshing to know that they think I am the same, that we could "pick up" like yesterday, that no matter what happens, we share a common past.)

Read FADE by Lisa McMann.

I know she is my friend, so I may be a bit partial, but the woman can write.

And you know there is just something wonderful about watching someone have a dream and acheive it. Supporting a good writers dream is rewarding to the reader.

Speaking of reading.

You should go to Superman's blog.

He is writing again, and it's good stuff.

And always, be kind to someone everyday.

Smile even when you don't feel like it ( sometimes you should smile especially when you don't feel like it) .

Be patient.

Patient is hard, and that is why you should try.

Be Well!

My Pantry - After

2009-02-05T22:13:00.005-06:00

All clean!
If I say so myself, it's a neat as one of my grocery shelves at work.
It still needs a brighter bulb though.

My Dirty Pantry ( before)

2009-02-05T10:43:00.003-06:00

I hope there will be some "After" pictures to go with these.

I Am Woman!

2009-01-23T19:58:00.004-06:00

I am tired!

So last year I quit my job to do Home Projects.
It was good, I got some stuff done, but no where near what I wanted to get done.
( with more money I could do so much)
I am always picturing a new something, a cleaner thing.
And my wants aren't extravagant, just a little better.

(For instance, the house has the same crummy construction paint that it had when it was built. That would be okay, except when I wash a wall the paint comes off. So the whole house needs interior paint.)

I don't know why I complain at all.
I want more money, but I want to work less hours. ( and I should complain about a 9 a.m. t0 3 p.m. shift? Sometimes it's 9-2)

I want to be home more, I want to work 3 days a week, but that doesn't pay enough for me to do the projects I want.
Whine!

I want a chicken for my kitchen! Dammit!
(I saw several that were awesome at Hobby Lobby, but I can't buy a $30 chicken, that's crazy!)

So I do what I can,.
I can buy cans of paint at WalMart for 12 bucks, and I can bust my ass painting walls on my days off.

One wall at a time, one room at a time.
I had this whole week off.

Up the ladder, down the ladder ( I bought a cheap wooden ladder at a yard sale but it is way too shakey and I almost fell a couple times, so now I have my neighbors ladder ( It is almost tall enough, if I stand on my toes)

Took me two days to do the kitchen and dining area, but the living room wall connects, so I'll have to do it too. Very high ceilings in there.

Hubby helped.
He helped peel the tape off after I was done.

For about 8 months I tried to discuss color options with him and he didn't want to hear it.
So I went ahead and did it without him.

Last Summer Katie and I painted the front bathroom and the guest room. We re-wallpapered the bathroom border ( we had to, after I removed the ugly pink stuff , I found that it had been floated out smooth, and paint wouldn't stick, and there was no texture under the paper so we put up new. And we did an awesome job! Our first time with wallpaper and you can't see the seams.)

Last night he questioned something ( after I'd been working all day on the house) and I looked at him and said,

" Are you picking up a paintbrush? Because if you aren't, the time for your imput is long gone."

His answer was . " I hate painting!"

The living room is going to be a chore, high ceilings, 12 feet.
Hubby won't help.
He says he won't help.
He got pissed when I asked if he would help me tape it off.
But I am going to need him to move the electronics stuff.
I figure I'll just paint around it til I can't anymore, and then he'll have to move the TV and the stereo.

I am woman, watch me paint!

( But damn it hurts, my knees ache, my hands are cramping, my back aches, and the dissapointment hurts most of all)

Animal Tales

2009-01-01T16:58:00.003-06:00

More stories this entry.
What can I say, they are running around in my head, and they are probably more interesting than the self-indulgent complaint stuff.
( Though ya'll are very kind when I whine about stuff)

Predatory Cats

So lately I've been having these weird experiences with men, or should I say, BOYS.
Young men seem to be flirting with me.
I know!
So weird!
Some of them are very young, and it's creeping me out.

I'm not going to say that I'm unattractive, in fact some days I know I look pretty darn good.
I've always been comfortable being friendly with men that I'm comfortable with ( friends, some co-workers) , I talk to men quite easily.
I have noticed men are more friendly to me since I lost weight, but I don't think I was ever unattractive. I was fat, not ugly.

I'm chatty by nature, like to make people laugh, will strike up a conversation with just about anyone, it's who I am.
But let's just be really clear, I am not the "Hottie". I don't look like the type that you'd think a really young man would be interested in.
I'm not tall, I'm not busty, I'm not sexy.
I have age spots on my hands.
I'm not putting myself down, like I said before, I think I'm an attractive enough woman, but it is what it is.
Ya know?
I am who I am.

Recently one of the young boys that I work with, nice kid about 20, was shocked that I was over 40.
( I won't re-cap the whole conversation, but I made a joke about being old when I asked him to help me lift something, and I ended up telling him my age)

Now?

He follows me around like a puppy.
And he told some of the other young guys what my age is, and all of a sudden they all seem to think I'm "Hot".
Huh? What?
Because I'm over 40 I'm more attractive?

Not only am I old enough to be their mother, but I'm married ( really married) and I wear a ring.
I joke with then, but never in a sexual way, never in a flirty way.
But they are flirting with me! I am pretty sure of it.
One even came up and told me that " For 44, you are really hot! I've always liked older women!"
YIKES!
What the hell do you say to that?
( What I did say , in a really deadpan tone, was " How hot would I be for 60?" But the joke went over his empty young head.)

My sister has had young men issues too. Perfectly nice guys who she would want to be friends with, but who want to "get to know her better".
She is also in her ( very early) 40's.
( sorry Deenie)
But it's not like she is seeking these men out, they are looking for her.

Yesterday a woman about my age ( though no where near as cute as me, thankyouverymuch) came into my store with a young man that had to be her son. He was 16 to 20 years old. Possibly my daughter's age, maybe a bit older, but no way was he older than 20.
Cute kid, but so young that I took a second look to see if maybe I'd served him lunch at the middle school ( over 6 years as a Lunchlady I know lots of the young people in town).
I didn't know him, and I was a little shocked when he checked me out.
Like really 'checked me out' , like smiled and looked at my tits, 'checked me out'.
Ewwwwww!
I was called to my register and ended up being the one to , well , check them out.
And after I rang up the mom's stuff, I rang up his stuff and he says ( I swear!) " How you doin'?" and winked at me.
He winked at me!!
In front of his mom!
ACK!
Ick!

Again I want to say that I was not all tarted up, not dressed for clubbing , barely wearing any make-up, ugly work vest over black collar shirt with work jeans. I'd been working the warehouse boxes most of the morning .
I was a mess and this young boy was winking at me.
There is something very wrong here.

I blame the big cats for this.
I blame the Cougars.
These women have made young men think that any woman over 40 is "hot to trot" with them.

( Bonus points for knowing the 70's TV show reference)

Those Damn Cougars!
Women my age that want the very young men are making my life awkward.
I have no issue with a bit of age difference, I try not to judge, but there is a point where it becomes icky.
Admit it.

To all the young men out here
If you look at me with hungry eyes?
I'm going to want to serve you a sandwich with a side of fries.
That's it, that's all, back off!

The Wolf

So you all wanna hear about the sexual predator at my work?
Yep, an actual "registered sex offender".

He's 30. He is doing probation for having sex with a 16 year old.
He isn't bad looking, but he is one of those guys who is all pumped up and thinks he is 'All That!'
Yucky.

The very first time I met him he made sure to mention that his nipples are pierced, I made sure to mention that I was married.
He is one of those guys who thinks he is Casanova, that all women want him.
He flirts with every female he comes across, 8 to 80.
I think he just tries everyone and hopes that something takes the bait.

The first time he was reprimanded at work and threatened with being fired by the boss was about 2 months ago, and before the boss knew about the conviction for Statutory Rape.

The Wolf was telling the other stockers ( not me, thank Gawd!) about some girl that rubbed his package. The idiot was telling this very graphic ( I was told later) story on the sales floor, in the aisles, within hearing of customers.
One of the guys he told the story to was on his way to the front of the store to tell the manager about it, but an elderly lady customer got there first and complained.
Oh bad news!
The Boss was furious!

A week or so after this incident the store manager ( The Boss) warned me about The Wolf, and asked if I'd been offended in any way by him, and told me to let him know if I was uncomfortable working with him, because by then the manager knew that The Wolf had been convicted of sex with a teen.

Now I know there are privacy issues and the Manager probably shouldn't have told me about another employees legal issues, but The Wolf had been bragging about it all over the store, so the Boss figured the guy had waived the privacy thing.
And the Boss was just waiting to find out if the Corporate Office would require a firing.

The manager and I talked about it, we agreed that there are some young girls that look older, and pretend to be older, and that The Wolf could have made a mistake, but that he had other issues.
I mentioned that I thought he was overly flirty with customers and I brought up the fact that Corporate may not be comfortable with keeping The Wolf for liability issues. The Manager brought up the fact that we had 2 female employees under the age of 18, and that concerned him. He was worried about his female employees, but he also didn't want to treat anyone unfairly.

( I want to add here that my Store Manager is a great person! I really like him as a Boss and as a Friend. He often talks to me about things and treats me as a peer, he listens to me, and seeks my opinion on 'people stuff'. )

I didn't mention all the offensive things The Wolf had said to me, and there were quite a few things I could have shared. ( Like the time I had a cough and The Wolf told me I needed " an injection of penis-cilin" )

I'm a big girl, and if I'd felt threatened, I'd have said something.
I have no qualms about reporting a co-worker that makes me feel uncomfortable.
( But I don't report people who are just lame and icky)
It wasn't until after he was convicted and put on a 'Predator List' that I had real issues with his behavior.
He bragged about his conviction, he made fun of it, made light of it. Told the younger guys how he was a 'Stud' in the eyes of the law.
He talked about how cool his probation was, how fun his court ordered meetings were.
Before I got a chance to discuss it with the manager, the word from Corporate came down and the guy was fired.

Problem solved?
Not hardly.
The Wolf comes into the store all the time now.
At least 3 times a day sometimes more, everyday.

Now he isn't an employee , and my personal comfort zone is different.
I would still complain if he made me feel offended, but what threat is there to him?

He buys a can of soda, or a pack of gum, and then he wanders the store talking up the female customers. ( Yesterday I saw him showing pictures of his son to some cute girl customers, flirting ).
He goes out to his car, waits awhile, and then comes back in to prowl about, over and over, all day.

I told one co-worker that I was mentally planing where I would hide the day he showed up with a gun.
I was only half kidding, she knew it, and agreed.
Turns out that I am not the only one concerned that he drives through the parking lot all day long, and comes into the store over and over all day long.
Several of the younger women employees have voiced concern over him, he seems to be bolder now that the threat of termination is gone.
I've mentioned to whatever manager is on duty ( The Boss, the Store Manager is on vacation this week) how often The Wolf comes in the store, just so they are aware.

I wasn't that worried about him when he was an employee, there are rules about harassment, there are options of complaint.
Now? I'm really uncomfortable.

The Stray

Hubby met a cat and she took a shine to him, and he brought her home.

He needed her, he needed the good thing she represented.
But he brought her home way too soon.

At Hubby's work there is a wooded area behind them ( in front there is a very busy highway, and close by , I-20 a Freeway).
The animals come around from the woods and the idiots feed them ( Hubby included).
There are lots of feral cats, and raccoons and stuff.
( Of course there are, they put out food for them)

And this one little kitty that would let Hubby pet her. She would show up as soon as she heard his truck in the morning, she would sit in his office ( I use the word "office" loosely) and she would eat out of his hand, literally.

Hubby kept telling me about this little girl, talking about her, worrying about her when it was cold at night.
So one night I tell him that that he should get her used to people , that if he thinks she can be saved, he can bring her home someday, but that he has to "tame" her first.
Ummm, not right away, not before she is ready.

Smokey came home this Tuesday, while I was at work ( Hubby is off work this week).
Smokey is beat up.
I can't even imagine how hard a life this little thing has had, and I'm not even sure it's a female ( I can't get a good look under it)
If it's female it could be pregnant, her belly is big, but not so big it's a given.
Lots of unknowns with Smokey.

What is known, is that Smokey has had a hard life.
She may have been a pet a one time, she isn't completely wild, but she is very scared and likes small dark corners.
She wasn't ready to come home to a home yet, but I'll take her.
The tip of one ear is gone, and she has scars all over. Her tail looks short to me, she may have lost the tip.
She is a solid dark gray, not a blue, just dark gray.
Her eyes, well , I get why Hubby got soft on her, I fell in Love with them first look.

I am so practical about Pets, it's why we didn't have them for so long.
( Years ago I worked at a Veterinary Hospital)
I am a firm believer in being responsible if you are going to care for animals.
You have to be willing and able to do the work, and willing and able to give the Love, and willing and able to pay the costs of good vet care.
If you can't care for them properly, don't have pets.

And Simber is our cat, he is our family ( don't have a pet if it isn't going to be part of the Family) and Simber is freaked out about Smokey. Lots of chasing and hissing.

Smokey doesn't like to be picked up, or held.
Petting and ear scritching is cool with her, but no holding.
So I grab her, and hold her, because even though she hates it, she needs it.

I'm not a big animal person, if they are too much effort I don't see the need, but I believe in being responsible for those you bring into your home.
I think Steve brought her home too soon, she is way too afraid of people still, and Simber isn't helping ( we had a hissing chasing incident last night, the Sim is as freaked out as the Smokey is)

But you should see her!
She may not know it, but she needs us, and she is going to take way more time and effort to domesticate than Hubby thinks.
But I think she is worth it.

I'd love tips and hints and guidence to help me make Smokey trust me. And I need help in making Simber accept her a a family member too.
I promised her that she would never be hungry, or cold, or alone again.

I don't know why, but I fell in love with this cat. I want her so much.
Right now she is hiding just out of my reach under the bed.
I'll post pictures when I can get her to be stiil.
I am not giving up on this cat.

(Note- "Simber" was named by my daughter for a character in a not yet published ( but brilliant!) novel by Lisa McMann)

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T23:09:00.002-06:00

I wish you all warm and safe.
I wish your loved ones all warm and safe.

I am sitting near my tree, and it looks like memories.
My fireplace is glowing, there are lights across the mantle and scented candles.
My Hubby is snoring on the sofa, my Baby is sleeping safe in her bed with the cat at her feet.
My all, is well.
I wish the same for you , that feeling, that content.

I have had some real lows this year, and I know many who have had lower , but I am optimistic about the future.

Tonight, all is quiet, all is bright.
Tonight I got that feeling.
You know, that spirit in your heart feeling?
I got that.
I hope you all get that feeling too.

Be Well
Be Loved
Merry Everything

Story Time

2008-12-13T22:15:00.003-06:00

I know it's been awhile since I updated.
Hell, I know it's been awhile since I interacted in a real way in the Bloggy world.

I can't wait to give ya'll every single teeny tiny detail of my life for the last 5 months!

Ha! Not really.

I do have a new computer! Yay!
Things have been good, and things have been bad, and life is life, and ya'll know I am okay.
I hope everyone is well.
I thought I'd tell some stories.

Economics

There is this little store I go to when I don't want to drive all the way ( 5 miles) into town to the real grocery store. It's a small grocery, they don't always have everything I need, but it's got milk and eggs and soda and cat food and paper towels, you know, all the basics.
I can quickly pick up what I need for dinner, and it's less than a mile from my house.
So there is this new guy there the other day bagging my stuff. He's got to be in his 70's, though he looks very healthy. Nice guy, we visit, chit chat. I liked him very much.

While he is loading my stuff in the car he tells me that just last year, at this time, he and his wife were spending 3 months in Europe, they visited 5 countries.
He said, " and this year, I am bagging groceries and sweeping floors"

Now he didn't say it all sad sacky like, he was just very matter of fact, like, " it is what it is"

But it made me think.
And as I drove home I wondered if they regretted spending that money on the trip to Europe, or if they were grateful they did it while they could.
I hope that either way, it was a wonderful trip.

Vanity

So I work with this woman who never smiles.
Everyone tries to be nice to her, but she is known as "The BITCH".
I got over my need to be liked by her a long time ago. I still say "GoodMorning" to her, I am still nice, but I gave up on getting any response from her. She is seriously not friendly, ever.

A couple weeks ago I think I got some insight into why she never smiles.
Let me recreate the scene.
It is me and the BossMan, and the GrumpyWoman reorganizing the snack ailse, I am leaving as my shift is over, and I am tired.

Boss- So Buggy, we are stacking you

Buggy- Me?

Boss- The nuts! You're nuts, right? We're stacking the canned nuts

Buggy - Ha ha, you are so funny

Boss- Well I didn''t say you were a "nutcase", but you are a little nutty

Buggy- Maybe I am nuts, I'm still here and I'm still smiling

Boss- Everybody smiles here

*long pause where both me and the boss look at Grumpy Woman*

Grumpy Woman- I don't smile, it causes wrinkles

Buggy- What? Really? ( and I am thinking "could that really be the reason she never smiles?")

Boss- I heard it takes more muscles to frown than to smile

Grumpy Woman- I don't frown, I don't smile, I keep my face neutral

????????

WHAT!

So it got me to thinking that maybe she isn't the meanest rudest bitch I know, maybe she is just totally vain. Totally vain in a creepy way.

I think, there is nothing prettier than a smile, a face can only be improved by a genuine smile.
The homliest face looks better when it is wearing happiness. And doesn't that affect your mood? To never smile? Sometimes I smile when I don't feel like it just to trick myself into feeling better.

I've thought about that exchange since, and I've watched her since, and she does keep her face nuetral, and she doesn't respond in a normal way.

So being the good person that I am, I do everything I can now to make her laugh.
( And trust me I will say some outrageously weird shit to her, just to watch her face twitch)

I don't need her to like me, I don't care if she likes me ( she's shallow and mean anyway), but making her laugh when she doesn't want to move the muscles in her face?
That is some fun shit right there.

The Boss and I had a conversation a few days after that, it went like this.

Buggy - Oh no! Don't smile, you could get wrinkles!

Boss- *laugh* I know! That was weird right?

Buggy- Oh yes, that was weird. I thought only I thought that was weird.

Boss- No, it was weird.

Buggy- It was!

Boss- Why would someone not want to smile?

Buggy- It explains alot

Boss- oh yea it does

December

Wake me up when December ends.
I said last year that I would never work retail during the Holidays again, and when I went back to the store in August it never occurred to me that I'd be here again.
Here I am, in retail, in December.
It's not the customers, it's not the store, it's me.

It's all around me everyday, the decorations, the music, the happy people, the gift buying, the holiday foods ( OMG , I love the holiday food aisle!!)
And yet, I feel like I missed it.
In retail, Xmas starts around September, and I never feel like I have a handle on it personally.

In my own life I scramble, and never catch up. I always feel off balance.

December is Birthday month in my family.
My Brother is the 3rd, my Sister is the 11th, add that together you get my Mom on the 14th, my Husband is the 16th, our Anniversay is the 7th ( Pearl Harbor Day and my Aunt's Birthday and the day our half-sister died), my Mother-in-Law's Birthday is the 5th ( the anniversary of my Mother's passing) and various other stuff.
Iwas sick all week.
I missed calling my Sister on her Birthday.
I didn't mean to, I thought about her all day, but she didn't know that.
She was also sick, and alone, and December is hard for us, it's the Mom month.
I meant to send her a gift, and I didn't. I didn't get it done, and I feel awful because she felt alone. I didn't even call her that day.

She's my first Baby, my Baby Sister.
My Deena!
I suck!
( Please send my Deenie warm Birthday thoughts!)

December ( Part 2)

I miss my Mom

Saturday in The Park!

Having my Computer back is awesome!
I love my games, and my new system plays the greatest game ever!
If you haven't played Roller Coaster Tycoon, you are missing out!
And RCT 3!! You can ride the rides!
RCT is a simulation game, you build your own Rollercoaster park. You lay the paths, you build the food courts, you put in plants and flowers , and benches and trash cans, and rides!
You hire janitors ( you decide what they wear) and Mechanics ( to fix your rides), you set prices and place potties, and rule the whole thing.
I LOVE it!
I hide in it.
I liked RTC and RTC 2 and in RTC 3 I can name a peep after my hubby and watch him get sick riding the Coasters! It's awesome!
It touches the part of me that wants to be a total control freak.

A Wonderful Life

I never saw the movie " It's a Wonderful Life" til I was 30.
I now try to watch it every year.
I always get something different out of it.
I own it on DVD, but I always watch it on TV.
It's a "Holiday" thing for me.
I always hope that someone was touched by me, that someone had their life changed by something I did or said.
I like the idea that we all have influence over the lives of those around us.
I know I sometimes screw up in big ways, I like to think I do good in small ways that have big impact.
And Jimmy Stewart is totally crushable in that movie!

*And dance by the light of the Moon*

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

I hope to interact again before the new year, but if I don't , I wish you all well and safe!
I wish you and your loved ones health and happiness!
May your Holidays be warm and memorable, may your Loves be long.

Updates and Shit

2008-08-16T23:55:00.002-05:00

I am sorry I have negelcted my Soup, and the friends that read it.

My armpit lump shrunk, and then dissapeared. Yay!
I am not sure if my meds are working, I take them.
There are things that have happened that should have knocked me into bed, that didn't, so maybe they are helping .

I can't say I feel positive about my life situation, but I haven't hidden too much.
The neighbor gets me out, I get dressed most days.
I got a job.
( Oh whoa, before you get happy for me, it's a shit job, it's like my old job for less money)

I kept saying " The PERFECT Job for me is mine!!"
Nothing.
I was Positive, I tried.

The only job that kept getting offered to me was my old retail job, everytime I went there to shop.
I need money.
I need a new car ( a newer car anyway) because mine has no A/C and 140K miles and is ready to die.

I kept being told I was second choice for the good jobs. They liked me, but chose someone else.
Pfft, fuck that!

So I caved.
I did what I always do, I settled for less than I am worth.
And once again my lack of education trumps my skills.

Whatever.

I won't make enough money to leave my Husband.
So maybe the Universe thinks I shouldn't.

I'll just keep saying " I'm Sorry" to my Kid when he gets verbally abusive.
I'll just keep checking his truck for bottles of booze.
I'll just keep taking my meds, even though I know it isn't me that's fucked up.
I'll just keep questioning my every life choice.

(SHIT!
I just lost half my post!
I hate this stupid laptop!
I'll try to remember what I said.)

I won't be working nights, ever. I promised Katie I would be home for her.

I love you all, I am sorry I am not more interactive.
I mean to be.

I Need to Get Better

2008-07-15T21:26:00.002-05:00

I went to the Doctor today.

I wouldn't have gone, except I found this weird lump under my armpit that didn't hurt, and my neighbor felt it, and my hubby felt it, and they both said to go have the Doctor feel it.

Doctor liked that it was a surface type lump, that we could feel all of it, that it was small ( large pea) and that my mamagram from 3 months ago was clean.

Doctor wants to watch it, but she thinks it's a small cyst. It's nothing, we'll watch it.
But she talked to me, like my awesome Doctor always does, and I left with anti-depressants.
Because I need them.

I hate that I need them, but I think I do this time.
No, I know that I do.

Just that I wasn't able to write for so long, was a symptom for me.
That I would sleep all day if I could, should have been a warning.
Staring at the walls doing nothing for hours, was a sign.
That I was crying while telling the Doctor that I didn't cry , well, that may have been a symptom.
So I'll try the new meds.

And I need a new project.
I do so much better when I have one.
So I bought some supplies and some paint, and have taped off the front bathroom.
Tomorrow I start painting the house, one wall at a time.
Steve hates it, he won't help me, but he won't stop me.

I have no idea what I am doing, but I will crack open that paint can tomorrow, and I will order that wallpaper border tomorrow.

I am going to own this house, if only with my sweat.
And hopefully, I'll be able to sleep on the new meds.

Dawning of a New Day - And Other Stuff!

2008-07-10T01:32:00.003-05:00

Reminds me of that song, we sang it in 7th grade Chorus Class.

this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius

I was a high soprano way back then , which will be funny to anyone who has ever heard my voice on the phone. ( I don't sing anymore, btw)

So a little of this and that for this entry.

1. My trip sucked. Which is sad because I get to travel so rarely.
Okay so only like 70% of it sucked, but that is enough for me. I'll be staying home for awhile.
Remember that scene from Lilo and Stitch, the one where she says , " My Friends need to be punished"? That is how I feel about my trip.
Can I get an " awwwwwwww" ?
Like the airsick wasn't enough, some of them were just plain mean.
I seriously think I would have had a better time with my net friends, than with the people I was with.

2. Loving my new neighbors!
They are so fun, so nice! I think they may become lifefriends .
They are Canadian, from Alberta and have this weirdly cute way of saying things. They drag out their vowels.
Now I am one of those people who mimic without trying. I will adopt your accent easily, and give me a few drinks and I will unconsciously adapt to your whole speaking pattern.
I don't mean to. I am not mocking you, I just do it. I just adapt to a different speaking cadance very easily.
So I keep trying not to mimic the way my new friend speaks, but it's hard, because I naturally fall into the speach pattern of whomever I'm talking to.
She laughs at me. I like her.
Her kids are great too, they think Katie is a goddess.

3. I think I may have found THE PERFECT JOB FOR ME!
I don't have it yet, but I think maybe.
If it isn't, they won't call me, that is how I'll decide if it is perfect or not.
They have my resume, my contact there knows I am interested.
I am leaving it up to powers beyond me, and trying not to worry about it.

4. The Secret.
Hey you know all that media hype about " The Secret"?
Like the whole idea of thinking positive and using afirmations is new?
*LAUGH*
My Mom was teaching us that stuff way back when we were kids.
She knew it, and her life still sucked.
But I DO know that staying positive, is better than lying in bed crying all day.
( Not that I would do that , very often)
Can you make your world better?
Of course, but only slightly.
I was raised on that shit, and still I struggle with it.
I have decided it is better to be positive, no matter what the universe gives you.
Make lemonade.

5. My Kid is an Brilliant Artist!
I am still trying to figure out how she is going to feed herself, but she is really brilliant!
I mean, she is amazing in how she thinks.
But she is so outside mainsteam, that I am not sure there is a market for her kind of genius.
She is weird, but good weird, amazing talented weird, but how do you make a living on that?
And how do I convince her that showering daily is good?

6. I worry about everything.
EV. ER .EY . THING
My Grandmother used to say that "Worry" was a wasted emotion, that it didn't matter if you fretted , things would be , as they would be.
No matter how much you worried, you couldn't change things, and if you could change it, worrying about it wasn't the way to do it.
I try to remember that, but I've never been good at it.

And Peace will guide the planets, and Love will stear the stars

Poor Neglected Soup

2008-06-06T20:51:00.002-05:00

So I got tagged
Blah!

I'm supposed to do some stuff, and post some things, and there are rules about this stuff, ( RULES!) There is a set protocol to this stuff dontchaknow.

I am a rebel ( Ha! As if! )
I will follow no rules, ( here me be tough?) but I will post some things because Wheezy tagged me weeks ago ( and I love her) and I feel guilty about neglecting my bloggy place for long, there is dust in here.

6 things you didn't know about me

1. Both of my parents are dead, as are all my grandparents. I still have a stepDad, but most of my history is gone. I don't feel like I am old enough to have both my parents dead. I am the 'older ' generation in my family, in my early 40 's, I am the eldest. My siblings call me to remember their past.

2. I have beautiful feet. I am not into feet, have no special 'thing' about them, but mine are lovely. Well shaped and smooth with nicely porportioned nails and toes. They are quite pretty, and I take very good care of them.
They are unfortunately HUGE feet for my height. Size 9 1/2 feet on a 5'4" frame.
I have to be careful about clunky shoes so I don't look like a clown.

3. I hate yard work. There, I said it. I admire people who can make beauty with plants , make art in their yards, but I can't. I don't have any living houseplants either, and I've tried to do those more times than I can count. I kill them. Plants don't take to me.
I have 3 lucky bamboo stalks in water that are doing well, but they have only been in my house for 2 months, I don't expect to have them very long.

Six Things???? I have to do six?!!!

4. I LOVE my hair! I had my hair done today and I am positively obsessed with it! I had some highlights done for Summer, and my stylist ( God Bless Lynn, she is the BEST! Even though she is now a whole county and 40 minutes away on a Hwy I hate to drive) talked me into going a little lighter with a little more. I'm blonde highlighted! I love it!
There is just something about feeling really cute.
It's kinda shallow , but whatever, I LIKE it!
My Mother used to tell us to " Stand up straight and put on some lipstick" , whenever we were feeling down. Ha, like that would solve all our troubles.
But you know, looking good does make you feel a little better, and making an effort helps.
I know when I'm depressed I don't care how I look, it's the first symptom.
So no matter what happens this weekend, my hair looks fabulous! I am fiercely cute today!

5. I used to write bad poetry, lots of it. Maybe it wasn't totally awful, as far as poetry goes, but it was sappy as hell. Sometimes I want to write poetry again, but then I read my old stuff, and decide against it. Oh, and I have several horrible poems in a folder written to an old boyfriend who is now a " friend" on my MySpace page. I could curl up and die of embaressment over those.
But know I should write again, I have stories floating around in my head, and maybe some poems too.

( SIX? I have to do 6 things that people don' t know about me? Okay, but only because I was 'tagged', and it won't be pretty)

6. My marriage sucks. Bad.
Has for a long time, probably will for a long time more because I can't see a way out that won't leave me with nothing and my kid more damaged.
I can determine exactly when it went off track. I have been trying to fix it for years.
When your spouse has lifesaving brain surgery, for awhile you are just grateful they are alive , and you count your blessings and pretend they are the same person they were before.
And is it his fault that what you got back wasn't the same? He thinks he is the same.
Shouldn't you just be happy that he can walk and speak and work, because they told you he wouldn't do any of those things? They told you he probably wouldn't be functional at all, you signed the forms , all those papers that said they were just gonna try to save him, excusing the Doctors for the outcome, lucky if he lived after the brain hemorage.
My worst fear was to be married to a vegitable, but instead I'm married to a mean parinoid asshole who drinks too much and is hateful to me and our child.
I should be grateful instead of complaining.
But his personality is different. This is not the man I married.
It's not my fault , it's not his ( though he is better sober, he still thinks he is 'claravoiant' and the CIA is montering his computer) but what do I do now?

So I tag anyone who hasn't been tagged yet.
There were rules and things, but I don't care what they were.

Tag!
You're it!

Books

2008-04-28T09:55:00.003-05:00

It was a booky weekend at my place.

We finally returned the late library books. I had one that somehow didn't get returned when the others did, and my daughter had 4 from when a friends mom took the girls. We have had these books in our home for 8 years.
EIGHT YEARS!

So I found them recently while doing the clean up organize the house thing. I was horrified, so embarrassed. I'd like it noted that I never received a letter from them at all, but we stopped going because I knew about the book that I needed to return.

I sucked it up and went to the library Friday, fully expecting to be hauled off the jail. They tell me the books are no longer in their system, and the charge is for the purchase price of the books, not the fines. Good thing because I peeked around at her screen and the late fees for the one adult book would have been $167! So she is very sweet, and tells me the cost of the books is $65, but they are in such good condition that she is going to talk to her manager about them, see what she can do.
Okay, this is it, this is where she sneaks away to call the LibraryPoliceman ( and thanks to Stephen King, I'm really afraid) .
She comes back and informs me that since they are in such good condition the fines will be $3 a book. Huh? Fifteen dollars after 8 years?
And then she offers to make us new cards.
WHAT? You mean your going to let us check books out again? It's a crime to not return library books, and you are going to let criminals like us have more?

So we spent a lovely hour and a half, walking through the stacks, Kate checked out 2 books from the YA section, I got 5. I was still waiting for the catch until we got to the car.
I am a library person again!

I also have a big box of books here that I am going to take by to donate, it'll help my guilty conscience.

Saturday we went back for the Library Book Sale!

Every year there is a huge used book sale. Rooms of tables filled with books! Some are old ones from the library , most are donated. Every kind of book you could want, and videos, textbooks, everything.

I bought 14 hardcover books, 6 paperbacks, and a videotape movie. All for $16

I am a happy Bug.

Thanks Everyone

2008-04-23T12:24:00.000-05:00

For all the Love and Good thoughts.

I didn't get it

I Have a Job Interview!

2008-04-10T22:18:00.002-05:00

So I have been enjoying the Domestic thing, very muchly.
I feel like I have uncluttered my home, and my mind. I am feeling organized finally, after several years of chaos. I have reconnected with my kid, and maybe on the road to reconnecting with my husband.
The original plan was to take 2 months off , regroup, reorganize, get some sleep, and concentrate on my health and family.
I feel I've done that.
I am satisfied that I accomplished what I needed to in my time off.
It's been 3 months, and it's time to go back to work.

I want more money.
I didn't quit my job without thought, I was sure we wouldn't be lacking before I chose to take the break. We'd be tight, no extras, but we ended up with unexpected expensives , (isn't that always the way?) Hubby didn't have the overtime we expected, and gas prices went up, his commute cost more, medical expensives, etc.
Not spending any money was harder than I thought, but we did okay.
Being at home only made me see all the home improvements I wanted to do.
Being home would be much more fun if someone paid me to do it.
So it was time to look for work, I need a pedicure.

Last month I started doing the job search thing, and I just don't think I'm good at looking for a job.
I go in all confident and sure of my skills, knowing what an assest I'd be to anyone who is lucky enough to hire me, and leave having filled out an application, sure that I don't look good on paper , and worried if I answered right about my education ( none) and if I wore the right shoes.
I am all confidence , and yet not confident at all.

Hubby tells me not to worry, not to settle for another crappy job, take my time, find something good. He also yells at me over money.
And if it really comes down to money, both of my last jobs would hire me back in a second, I could go to work tomorrow, in a low paying go nowhere job that I would give my all to, I could.
But this time I have set my sights a little higher, and hope I can wait.

So I have been filling out applications, signed up for the State job search thing, search the ads in the local paper everyday. Not a call back , not a nibble in 4 weeks.

I am all POSITIVE THINKING!
I am saying ,
"The perfect job for me is coming to me now!"
"I am finding the perfect job that is finding me!"
"I am the perfect person for the right job, right now!"

Because when it really comes down to it, I am a fucking optimist, Dammit!
I know, even when I'm feeling down , feeling low, that I bounce.
I am a half full glass kinda gal!

( I don't even want to be an optimist, even when I want to be sad I can't for long , it's like this weird Pollyanna brightside curse thing. It's not funny!)

The very first application I filled out, 4 weeks ago, was for a job with the City.
Good benefits, nice pay, the hours I want ( I don't want to work nights and weekends anymore) .
And they called, this week, twice. They want to interview me in person tomorrow. It isn't for the first job I applied for, but they had another open the day I went in, and I was told I could have my application routed to both departments, and this one I am actually better qualified for.
I know that if they don't hire me it wasn't the right job for me, but I think I want it.
I really think I want it.

So if you are reading this, and you want to maybe send me some positive vibes, that would be really nice.

Friday at 3 p.m. central time, send some light to your Buggy pal!

Ya'll be safe, and well!

Where the Heck Is Buggy?

2008-03-16T19:18:00.002-05:00

Okay, I need to update.
I hate when people don't update ( like for instance, where the heck is Supes?)

I am busy, but that isn't an excuse because I could talk about busy.
I haven't written in awhile, so I think I'll do a little of this and a little of that.

Daddy

So I have a Daddy now. (I talked about finding my Dad http://ebugsoup.blogspot.com/2007/11/reconciliation.)
It's been good. I think he needs us as much as we need him.
I love his wife, I think she and I can become good friends. We've met twice and she and I have had 2 long talks on the phone. She's warm, she makes him happy, I like her.
They have been awesome with Katie, and I think he is amazed by her.
He said, looking at her he feels like he lost 30 years, because it's like looking at me when I was her age.
The first time Katie met him she said, " He talks in metaphors, he's funny!"
I didn't know, had no idea how big that gap was, that loss in me was, til I found him again, I needed him.
It's good. It's comfortable. He loves me.
Kate and I spent the day with them yesterday, he took me riding around town on his Harley, just like I was a kid again on the back of his bike. We helped build the sub-flooring of his workroom in their new place. ( Their new house is an airplane hanger. Their front yard is an airport runway. It's very cool!)
It was hard work, but so fun. I felt good helping, it's what you do for family.
And I know that if I ever needed anything, that the years apart won't matter, he's my Dad.

My Baby is 16!

Now tell me how young and fabulous I am! HA!
My daughter is amazing. She really is.
I get all choked up just thinking about what a strong and thoughtful person she is.
Katie knows herself, and she is different, and she doesn't care.
To Kate, the worst thing would be to be ordinary, to not be her true self.
I am really proud of her. She is outspoken, and opinionated, but she is kind too.
She's strong and nice.
And she is finding her own way. I used to worry alot, but not so much anymore.
I think she is going to be fine.
I think just being Katie is going to be more enough.

The Domestic Project

The Homemaker thing is going so well I could do it forever, if someone paid me for it.
I have cleaned out everyones closet but mine ( and that project is on the list).
I have given away and thrown away so much stuff that I lost count of how many boxes and bags.
I clean things that no one sees. The behind, the underneath. When a room looks clean, I steam the carpets.
One day I noticed I could see the floor in the Laundry Room, so I spent the day cleaning it. I scrubbed the washer and the dryer and behind them, and under them.
I washed the walls and scrubbed the tile floors. I never thought doing laundry would be a joy, but it is much more enjoyable in a clean laundry area than it ever was before.
I spent 2 days doing Katie's closet, and another organizing her room and another doing her dresser. I love her room now, and so does she.
Being organized has made me happy.

I feel like people can come over now and I won't freak out.
I am busy everyday, I have more projects, but the list is getting shorter.
I have cleaned the clutter out of my home and my mind.
I am working harder than I did when I was getting paid, but I like it more.
At 5:00 when my family comes home, there is a healthy meal being prepared, and I am tired, but satisfied.
I wish I could do the homemaker thing forever, but it's been a little over 2 months, and money is becoming an issue. I'll have to get a paycheck again soon, but I am Oh so grateful for this time, for this cleaning out of my Home and my mind.
I sleep better, I have more energy, I am healthier, we are all happier.
I have changed. I used to hate being home, hated housework, felt trapped and lazy.
Now I look at it as my job, and I like it.
Just wish I had the money to do the house projects I want to, without working.

Vacation

I don't know that I've ever really had a vacation since I've been an adult.
We never had a honeymoon trip, Steve and I have never gone away for a weekend.
I often say I have never ever gone anywhere, and I'm not kidding.
As a family we have gone to California twice since we've been married ( 16 years). But that was less vacation that obligation. Steve's Mom wanted us there and she paid for the trip and she dictated what we did and where we went.
Once the grandchild was old enough to travel on her own, the obligation trip torture was narrowed to Katie.
But I am taking a vacation this year, by myself.
The plane ticket has been paid for and if I have to sell blood to finace the rest, I'm going.
I am flying into SoCal, Burbank, in June, but the real trip is a road trip and weekend in Laughlin Nevada with my girls from high school. It's like a mini reunion, without all the people I didn't like.

I am going to fly. ALL.BY.MYSELF!
Me, who just 8 short years ago couldn't leave the house alone. Who at one time couldn't drive without a panic attack, much less walk the 20 feet to the mailbox because it was 'too far' from my cave. I didn't even open the blinds on the windows back then. I was so afraid.

I am taking a vacation!
I am getting on a plane, I have a hat and I am going to wear it by a hotel pool in the sunshine, while hanging with my Girls!

Some of you knew me when I just started to venture out, when I was just starting to heal from my mind prison. I used to call myself 'DriveMyCar' , because I was just happy to be able to drive at all.
Being a housewife used to be a prison to me, because of my depression and fears and anxiety attacks.
Now it's a joy!
I am taking a vacation, I am flying by myself, I am Buggy.

Embracing my Inner Domestic Goddess

2008-01-08T07:07:00.000-06:00

Since I quit my job ( oh yes, I did quit my job)I have been looking forward to getting some things done. I have lists, I have projects planned, I have mountains of laundry.

My last day at work was the Saturday after Christmas.
I have had a week of spending more time with my kid, a week of eating meals at a normal time, and a week of getting some decent sleep. I feel great!

Working so many nights was killing me, it was bad for my family, and I don't think my house has really been clean in 2 years. I was barely getting the dishes done and the floors mopped each week. Laundry was a constant battle, never really ever getting done. Grocery shopping was a chore instead of something I liked and we were eating crappy fast food too often, never having decent meals planned. Everytime I open a drawer or a closet I want to scream.
I need organazation in my life. I need it now.

So yeaterday was my first full day as a Domestic Diva, the first day I had the house all to myself to get started. And you know what? I got a lot done.

The plan is to have one "Project" a day, something not so huge that I can't get to the regular stuff, like dishes and bathrooms. (I did get a headstart last week by cleaning out the cabinets in the master bathroom)

So yesterdays "Project" was our bed. Not just quickly changing the sheets, but stripping it all down, flipping the mattress and airing it with febreeze, washing the mattress pad and the pillows, and the quilt. While those things were washing, I got 2 loads of clean laundry ( that was piled up on the sofa) sorted, folded and put away. I loaded the dishwasher, and cleaned the toilets and the catbox.
I cleaned the fireplace doors and tile, and managed to wash the dining room windows and the back door. ( The windows happened by accident, I decided to open the blinds and let some light in, and got lost in an OCD frenzy).
I watched 2 movies , and went to Vietnam and China with Anthony Bourdain while cleaning.
I ate a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch, and I went to the bank and paid the water bill. I remembered to thaw some food so we had grilled chicken and vegitables for dinner, that we ate together, at the same time, in the same room! I even got the dishes done after.

All in all, quite the successful first day!

Today's "Project", is the linen closet. It's such a mess with stuff that there isn't but one little shelf for towels, and no room for my Lush. That has to change.
I'm also going to get a bit more laundry tackled, and I have some shows taped to watch.

I am Buggy, Domestic Diva, envy me!

Merry Everything

2007-12-25T03:26:00.000-06:00

To all my friends of all faiths, and to those of none

I wish you joy
I wish you laughter
I wish you warm when you are cold, and cool air when you are too warm
I wish you funny
I wish you comfort
I wish good health, for you and yours
I wish for you less worry
I wish you good rest, good sleep
May you always awake with a smile and face the day with a positive outlook

I wish for you, enough
Enough food
Enough heat
Enough joy
Enough security
Enough love

I Wish for you, my friends and family
Much goodness, much Love
Now and always

Be Safe
Be Well
I Love you

Reconciliation

2007-11-14T20:07:00.000-06:00

So the weirdest thing happened to me at work a few weeks ago.
This guy gave me a psychic message.

He is this ordinary guy, kinda quiet, always polite, one of the regulars at my store.
One day about 5 weeks ago or so, he comes through my line, and though I've seen him many times before, this was the first time I'd actually checked his purchases. His stuff came to $5.11 , and he had 5 dollars, he was going to use his debit card instead of cash, but I told him that was silly for 11 cents, I had it in my pocket and gave it to him. ( I always have a pocketfull of change in my vest , and sometimes do this for customers, maybe a holdover from my LunchLady days)
Anyway, he thanks me says he 'll pay me back, I tell him he doesn't have to, I smile, give him the receipt, and then it gets weird.

He says , " Can I tell you something?"
"Sure." I say

And I wish I could remember his exact words, because it was so weird, and at the time I knew it was something amazing, but even moments after, I was trying to remember it exactly.

It was something like this though

" Very soon , you will be reunited with someone , there will be a reconciliation with someone from your past. It will be a positive in your life."

Someone from my past, a reconciliation.
Those words I remember clearly.

Now I kept thinking about it, wondering who could that be.
I even thought at first that maybe he meant that things would be better with my husband and I ( we've had some rough times) , but my husband wasn't someone 'from my past' , and I was sure about that part of it.

The only person I could think of that might fit, was my Dad, (stepdad technically) Bill.

I hadn't seen him in about 20 yrs, maybe more, hadn't talked to him in about 11.
The last time I spoke to him he lived in Wasington state, near Olympia.
He married my Mom when I was 7, about a year after my Father died.
They'd been in Love when they were kids, highschool sweethearts.
But Mom married my Father instead.
After he died , leaving my Mom a widow at 25, Bill came back into her life.

He was always Daddy, even after their divorce , he was our Dad. He wasn't easy, but he was Daddy.

But we'd lost touch with him. He moved, his number was disconnected, I'd moved.
We tried to find him when Mom was sick. She wanted to talk him again when she knew her time was short. The internet searches never seemed right, there was no way he lived right here in Texas, so close, and we weren't willing to pay some scam site for an address.

I meant to tell my sister about the guy at work, and what he said to me. I talk to her all the time, at least twice a week. We are close , me and my Sis, closer than I think we've ever been.
* waves to Deena*
But I forgot to tell her.

So one day she is driving, and she passes this place that reminds her of Bill, so when she gets home she does a different kind of search on the net, and she thinks she finds him.

I get an email asking if I know where #### Texas is? Because that is where Bill is.

Hello? It's 30 minutes from me!
No Way!
That's impossible!
More searching
I get an address.
I write.
2 weeks later, he calls.

The man lives in the next town over from me!!!

He is married, very happily for the last 10 years. He's mellow, he's warm.

I had lunch with him last week!
It was wonderful!
He's going to meet his granddaughter soon, and his son-in-law.
I am going to meet his wife!
I can't wait.

I felt like I had lost my parents, all 3 of them.
But now I have Bill back, I have my Dad again.
I have reconciled with someone from my past, a very important someone from my past.

Some may say it's a God Thing, and maybe it is, but I think it's a Mom Thing.
I think she wanted us to recconect with him, and for him to have his kids back.
She wanted us together.

And the message?
Worth way more than 11 cents.

Natural Light Has 3.2 Carbs Per Serving - 5 Beers = A Snack

2007-10-26T20:41:00.000-05:00

It's an update!

I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote.
But there is something you should know about me
I? Am lazy.

So I have excuses.
Doctor appts and work and excercise ( oh wait, I blew the excercise thing off this week, so that doesn't count) , I have good excuses.
Counting.
I count everything now.
I count carbs mostly, and fat grams, and hours since I tested my sugar, and hours til I test my sugar again. I count minutes on the treadmill, I count how many days and hours I work, and how much time I have to eat between work and Doc appts. I count how many hours I get to sleep, and how many hours til I get to sleep again.
Diabetes, has made me a bit OCD.

I took 6 weeks of classes.
How to eat, what to eat, when to eat. I learned about medications, and the scary ( oh so scary) things that diabetes and uncontrolled high blood sugar counts can do to my body. I learned that since I am young to be dignosed with Type2 , I will outlive my pancreas, and insulin is in my future.
I was the youngest person in my class. I was also the only person to get 100 on the final exam. (They made us take a test on what we learned, can you believe it? )
I got a free packet of Splenda infused oatmeal, and my insurance got billed for 85 bucks a class.
I am thankful and grateful everyday for insurance coverage. I had a diabetes class and two Doctors appointments this week, I am ever so thankful.

I'm tired of being a diabetic, and I've only known about it for a couple months.
The truth is, it's fucking boring. It's boring and annoying.
I am supposed to look at my feet everyday, inspect them, check the bottoms with a mirror!
What is more boring than that?
( Did I mention I'm lazy?)

I have yet to figure out how to work it to my advantage.
I tried telling Hubby that I wasn't allowed to clean the catbox due to my, Medical Condition, but I started to laugh in the middle of my fake explanation , so that didn't work.
My house is still a mess, my life is still disorganized, someone still has to do the grocery shopping and the laundry, and that someone can't eat candy anymore.
I could take a nap, but the truth is, being active is healthier for me.
Sometimes though, I'd like to just lie down and say , "Fuck it! I'm sick, leave me alone."

I don't drink anymore, and I really don't miss it very much.
But tonight, I have had 3 beers.
That's 9.6 grams of carbs.
I'm allowed that, I can work it into my 'meal plan' , but alcohol has no nutritional value. Empty calories, nonhealthful carbs, no benefit, all that shit. ( I got an A in diabetes education class remember)
But sometimes I just want to feel normal, sometimes I just wish I was kinda buzzed and a little numb.

So enough about me. Laugh!

Love you all.
And extra special *HUGS* to my California peeps, friends and family.
I get it. I understand like no one who hasn't lived there ever will.
I know what those winds feel like, on your skin, in your head. I know what those fires smell like. I know the fear, the agitation, the restlessness, the helplessness.
I know that whatever caused the spark doesn't matter, it's still a Natural Disaster.
Sending Love!

Be Safe ALL!

No More Cookies for Buggy

2007-08-18T09:06:00.000-05:00

No cookies, no cake, no delicious salty sweet Payday candy bars. No juice, no booze, no carbs, no fat.

Yesterday I went to my Doctor to get the results of my bloodwork. I was really just going to see if my cholesterol had gotten better since I'd lost weight, and to have her recommend someone to see about my knees, which have gotten really bad.
So that was my main concern, my knees, oh and I've been really tired lately, but I've been working lots.

What she found was not what I expected.

I've been dignosed with Type 2 Diabetes.

Not borderline, not 'we'll keep and eye on this' , but actual 'have to poke my finger all day and check it and probably need medication my whole life' , fucking Diabetes!

And my freakin cholestrol is still crazy high.

On the bright side ( ha, like there is a bright side) , I've been eating very poorly lately. It's not like I was eating well and taking good care of myself and my blood glucose was high, nope. I've been eating bad, so it might be possible to help it some with better eating habits.
Help it some, not fix it, not make it go away.

I told my Husband that at least I wasn't just whineing about being really tired and not feeling good. I really don't feel good, I've been feeling sick because I've been sick.

And now I'm scared

At least we have insurance now ( score another point for the bright side) and I like my Doctor very much.
She took more tests, and will be setting me an appointment for a place that teaches you how to eat, and test your blood sugar. Also ordered x-rays for my knees and will be schedualing an appointment with an orthopedic knee specialist.

I just want to climb into bed. I've been tired and depressed and stressed, and I don't want to power through it anymore. I want to lie down. I've been sick.

But I have to go to work later, and it looks like any days off will be spent at Doctor appts.

Thanks for listening to me, any good thoughts you may want to send will be much appreciated.

Buggy Hallows and the Deadly Kitten

2007-07-22T09:22:00.000-05:00

(Note- there will be NO spoiling of the Harry Potter Book here)

Today is 'Friends and Family Day' at my store.
For the last week we have been giving out 20% off coupons to everyone. Employees were each given a stack ( about 30) coupons and told we could make copies, and we have also been giving them away at the store to all the customers.
It's a totally cool deal! 20% off your total purchase on the one day! Who could hate that?

Well can you believe we have had customers get pissed about it?
I would give the customers a coupon, explain we were open late on Sunday and invite them to come in for the great deal, and they would make me cancel what they just bought, or just get mad that I wouldn't give them the discount right then. I would explain it's Sunday only, and they would say, " I don't have time for that."
Last week some guy asked if he could get a refund on the patio set he bought last month, and then buy it back on the discount. Ummmm, no.
What is wrong with people?

Yesterday we had people get mad that we wouldn't give them 20 off what they had just purchased, and one woman actually cussed out one of our cashiers, ripped up the check she was writing and leave her basket full of stuff.
( Hello Bitch? You just cussed out a sweet 73 year old woman who was just trying to give you a gift. You can't shop on Sunday because you have to go to church, and are demanding we change the rule for you? Hope your higher power forgives you, because personally, I'm ticked,)

What is wrong with people?

Anyway, after that I stopped handing the coupons out, I slipped them into the sacks instead.
We did continue to tell people that were planning on making large purchases yesterday , like furniture, that they should come back on Sunday, most were really happy.

So here is the thing. It's a gift, a pretty good one when you consider the last time Walmart ( the only other big retailer in my town) gave their customers 20% off everything in the store, was NEVER.
When someone gives you a gift, you smile, and say , "Thank you" not, " Why didn't you give me this gift last month?"

I work 5 to 11 tonight, should be really busy. I am planning on smiling, and hoping for happy customers. I will be having fun!

****

We have a cat!
An actually furry pet that cuddles and purrs, unlike the furry pet (hamster) that growls and bites and can't be touched. A real pet.

His name is Simber, he is 13 weeks old, he has stripes, and he is oh so cute!
He does cat things, like chase your feet and try to trip you while you walk, pounce on your legs while you are trying to sleep, walk on your keyboard or book, bump your nose with his nose and then sneeze in your face, attack your legs with his claws while you are sitting on the potty, stick his whole face in your coffee cup, pose cute whenever someone has a camera, and cuddle and purr and sleep on your lap.
You know, the usual stuff.
I will post a picture of him soon, maybe once the claw holes in my legs start to heal. Ha!
We love him.

****

Actual conversation heard in my house yesterday.

Buggy to Hubby - Hey look, Lisa's book has a new cover! Come see it!

Hubby - I read the reviews today

Buggy - Huh? Reviews? No, Lisa's book, Wheezy's book.

Hubby ( totally not listening) - They say it is darker than the other ones

Buggy- What? No, it's not out yet.

Hubby- Yes it is, I read 4 reviews and they said **** ***** **** **** ****** ******

Buggy - OMG!!

Hubby - What?

Buggy - You did NOT just spoil the Harry Potter for me??? OMG!!

Hubby - I read where at the end ***** ***** ***** ***** ****

Buggy- SHUT UP!

Hubby- I haven't read any of the books

Buggy- I know! I have and I wanted to read this one without knowing the end

Hubby- Oh, at the end ******* ****** ****** ****** *****

Buggy - Dammit!

Hubby- What? I was just trying to tell you that ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Buggy - ARRRGH! Stop it! Shut up! I didn't want to know the end til I read the book!

Hubby- it's right there on the net, in the review I read

Buggy- I didn't read those because I wanted to read the book!

Hubby- Then why were you talking about it?

Buggy - I wasn't!

Hubby ( confused) - Oh

Can I get a refund? He's a little scratched up, but I kept my reciept, and I'm pretty sure he's defective.

A Little of This, a Pinch of That

2007-06-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

I am almost embarressed to update, since I've been terribly absent from the Blogs of my friends.
I could lie and say I've been blurking, but I haven't. Heck, I don't even check my own Blog anymore.
But I should put something here.

Tiny Holes

There was this kid who came through my lunchline last year who had the smallest nostrils I've ever seen. I mean teeny tiny. Couldn't even pick his nose if he wanted to, he couldn't fit a Q-tip in that tiny nostril, much less a finger ( even a pinky) maybe he could could fit a toothpick in there, but that would be gross. Other that that, he was a nice looking kid, polite too.
So one day I was looking at his nice face with his unusually tiny nostrils, thinking about how those had to be the smallest nose holes EVER, and how did he pick his nose, and how no one else could ever have such small nostrils, when his twin brother walked up.
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

The New Job Thing

I am not so sure I like the new job, yet.
It is more involved than I ever knew ( I maybe should have paid more attention to what the CS did while I was doing my job)
Anyway, it's going to be okay, I haven't found my comfort level yet, but I will.
It'd not so much customer complaints that I have a problem with, it's all the procedure involved with returns. Enter this code and that code, scan this and that. I feel stupid because I don't 'get it' yet. I hate feeling stupid.
The other thing I have trouble with is being in charge. I am in charge of the cashiers, and last week I was one. Telling people what to do? Turns out I'm not so comfortable with it yet.
I love my Store though, and the managers all seem to have confidence in me. I think it'll be okay.

I Feel Pretty!

I had my hair done today, a cut and highlights.
I feel so pretty I've decided that my new goal is to be useless and ornamental.
Which brings up a funny, because I told my sister this on the phone today and she said
" What? You want to be Asian?"
( Say it out loud. Ornamental. See? It's funny!)

Is it shallow?
Sure!
Is it Vain?
Of course it is!
But that's it.
I no longer care if I am smart or witty, I just wanna look cute.
My goal is to be ornamental.
My husband should be all over this, but he criticized my oh so cute highlights, and had the nerve to ask what it cost! He pays more on the yard each month than I spend on my hair in a year!
Isn't it more important to have a cute wife, than a trimmed yard?
I thought so too.

Question Game

2007-05-06T07:44:00.000-05:00

Two of my favorite ladies ( *snort* I said "ladies" *HeHeHe*) called me yesterday. They asked that I participate in a super fun game.
You know how I like to be included in the super fun.

My Question was

Brad Pitt is coming to dinner , what will you serve him?

In honor of Cinco de Mayo , I think I will serve him Doritos and Peas, and flan.
I love flan. I love saying 'flan'.
After dinner, Brad and I will drink beer, say "FLAN" and listen to the Dixie Chicks. And we will laugh, oh how we will laugh! Then Angelina will call and remind him that it's the nanny's night off, and he will leave to take care of the children, but first he will thank me for the evening of peas and flan and laughter.

Thanks for the call, ya'll are too fun!

( Now if you will all excuse me, I have to get a mirror and find out what color my vagina is)

Let's Hear it For the Boy

2007-04-14T11:42:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you about a fine young man.
A fifteen year old boy who makes the most important person in my life happy.

He is my daughters boyfriend.

(not using his real name)

They decided in 6th grade that they had a mutual "crush" on eachother. This was determined through friends at an after school activity near the end of the school year. From the report I got, it went something like this.

"Does Katie like Jack, go ask her"

"Tell Jack that Katie wants to know if he likes her first"

"Jack has a crush on Katie, tell her that he said"

"Katie likes Jack too, tell him she has a crush on him too"

"Hi Katie"

"Hi Jack"

" Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!"

He called a couple times, asking for my daughter in his squeeky almost feminine 12 year old voice. They ate lunch together, and he told off anyone who dared to tease his girl.

Sadly, at the end of the school year he moved away.
And he didn't call again.

Most little girls would mope around, not my Katie.
She still liked Jack, just just didn't act heartbroken, she was sure he'd call again, and she had endless patience.
She played SIMS alot that summer, and all the families had a Mom named Katie Collins, and a Dad named Jack Collins, and two little blond haired Collins children.

"What if he doesn't call, Kate? What if you don't see him again? You know there will be other boys, right?"

" No other boys, I like Jack."

" But Honey, he moved away, and you don't know his number, and he hasn't called"

" Maybe he'll move back and I'll see him at High School"

She didn't know what I knew, that sometimes boys don't come back.

Seventh grade started , and she didn't see him at Middle School. Seemed Jack hadn't moved back yet, or found her phone number, like she was sure he would.
She didn't dwell on it, but he was still the only boy she liked.

One day about 3 weeks into the start of school, I was serving lunch, across town at the other middle school. I was telling the kids that they had to have their ID badges visable to be in that line.

" You should wear them around your neck, on a lanyard like this boy has." (I lean in to read the name on the ID) " Like Jack Collins ."
!!!

And there he was, my daughter's boy, right in front of me.
A little boy, a head shorter than my girl, with an elfish sweet face, sprinkled with freckles across his nose and pale red hair hanging in his eyes. My Katie's Jack!

" Jack Collins?"

"Yes Ma'am?"

" Do you know Katie R?"

Big Smile! " Yeah! Does she go here?"

"No, she goes to the other school. I'm her Mom"

" Really! I lost her phone number, can I get it from you so I can call her?"

" Yes, I'll give you her number."

They are now in 9th grade, and finally at the same school again.
Jack is now about 3 inches taller than Katie, skinny as a pole, with a buzzcut instead of the shaggy hippy hair he wore 2 years ago. He is in ROTC, and can usually be found carrying a book with him. His voice has deepened some, the freckles are still there. His favorite band is called Disturbed , while Katie likes to listen to Hannah Montana, and High School Musical.

His is her biggest supporter, he protects her when he can from the bullies, and when she told him she was going to be screened for Aspergers, he said , " As long as you don't change, I love you just as you are."

He holds her hand and lightly kisses her cheek or the side of her head. I asked her why they haven't kissed yet, she said he is waiting for the perfect romantic time for their first kiss. (She asked him) . He isn't too fast for her, and he is the boy she has always liked.

They've hung out at the house some, and been to school dances a time or two, they eat lunch together, but today was what they called their "first date".
They went to the movies, and I just picked them up. They are watching anime clips on YouTube, and laughing at the kitchen table.

Katie is socially awkward at times, and less mature than her peers, the doctor thinks she may have a mild case of Aspergers, we'll be having more testing done.
She's quirky, and Jack says he loves her just the way she is.

God bless that kid.

Happy Easter

2007-04-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

The writing on the back ( in my mother's distinctive hand) says the year was 1968.
I was amost 4.
I remember wearing that dress, it had a little white bonnet that went with it, and gloves, and a little handbag ( though I don't know what I would have carried in it, probably kleenex). I was so proud of my pink satin dress.
My Nana made that dress for me, my father's mother. She made my sisters' dresses, and dresses for my two cousins as well, and probably the suits the boys wore.
Nana was a seamtress by trade, an artist with fabric and ribbon.

That year there were 7 children at the hunt. My older sister from my Father's first marriage, my 3 older cousins and their brother, who was a baby like my little sister. My brother wouldn't be born for 2 more years, and by his first Easter Daddy would already be gone.
The yard was huge, and full of wonderful plants and trees, great for hiding and hunting eggs, and the special baskets left by the "Bunny". There was laughter and singing, and a big family dinner.

I miss Easter. I miss my Mom and Dad, and my Grandparents, my sister Loree.
I miss dressing up and posing for pictures in smart spring clothes, and eating dinner all together around the table. I don't remember the last time it felt like Easter to me.

Oh I try, but this weekend was just so sad.
It snowed all day yesterday, it was pretty, but it didn't help me feel the spring. Today it is cold and dark and wet.
I colored eggs, all by myself, hoping that Kate would change her mind and join me. She wasn't into it this year, so I did them myself. I watched the Sound of Music last night, I'd never really seen it, and wanted to share it, make it a family time, but my kid just complained through the whole thing, while Steve listened to UFO cd's on his laptop. Happy times.
I put together the clues for a treasure hunt, something Steve's stepmom started for the kids and we continue when we aren't with them . It's clues that eventually lead to the hidden Easter Basket.
I got up early and put together a basket of treats for a friend's daughter. They have been having money troubles, and she just started a new job last week, I knew she wasn't getting paid in time to do anything for Easter. I snuck over there early and left a basket from the "Bunny" on their porch.
I made breakfast, that everyone ate separately, Steve silently, Kate complaining about the pancakes.
The treasure hunt went badly. Steve wanted to participate from behind his computer playing a game, ( I finally got him to join us, but I could tell he wasn't happy about). Kate is still feeling sick from her cold, and she complained about the clues, refused to read them outloud , said they were dumb, and basically was a brat. It's unlike her, but it still hurt my feelings. It ended with finding the basket, he telling her she was a brat, and her telling him she was never speaking to him again and slamming her door. *sigh*

So I put a ham in the oven, and my husband left to " go get cigs".

Two hours later he called , he was hanging out with friends ( drinking, I suppose) and wanted to know if my brother had come over. What difference does it make if my brother is here? I'm here, Kate's here. The nice dinner I made is here. Seems he claims he went over there to see if they got the basket I'd left for their daughter. The one I made in secret and delivered annyomously. The one I told him I wanted to sneak onto their porch before anyone woke up. Nice, wreck the one good thing I did that turned out right today.

My Katie keeps coming over to give me hugs and jellybeans, she feels bad that I can't stop crying, but I'm tired of pretending that everything is alright, because it's not.

I miss family holidays, and my Mom, and my little pink satin dress with the shiney white shoes.
It just doesn't feel like Easter to me.

Both Sides Now

2007-04-01T22:02:00.000-05:00

Hi All!

I have been busy and tired and working lots and sick.
I am sure I got that 3rd cold in the last 2 months because I was run down, at least I got a flu shot last fall.

I thought that maybe I'd do a quick, Things You Don't Know About Me, post.
Though it's hard to think of things I haven't shared already.

* I have a huge pile of laundry in my room. HUGE!
( That's all, I have no excuse)

* I don't always check everyone's blog, I'd like to , but I don't. I do check Chris ( Superman) everyday. Every Day. He doesn't update as much as I'd like, but then I don't write much myself, so I forgive him.

* I no longer wear a wedding ring. Haven't for about 3 months.
Partly because I am not sure how bound I want to be anymore, but mostly because I lost so much weight that it started to slide off. I was afraid I'd lose it at work.

* I wear glasses. ( unless I'm sleeping)
I know it's a little thing, but did you picture me that way? I haven't worn contacts in 20 years.

* I lost my virginity to Judy Collins singing, Both Sides Now.
It just happened to come on the radio. It made me cry.
The song did, or maybe the whole thing did, I don't know. I wasn't very involved in the act.
I am sure that poor boy ( who claimed it was his first time too) was disturbed by my crying.
My crying had nothing to do with him.
I still love that song.

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

ACK I'm OLD!

2007-02-22T23:16:00.000-06:00

I can't read small type anymore!

( But I'm still cute)

New Stuff

2007-02-22T21:28:00.000-06:00

Just a little of this, and a bit of that.

Haven't updated in too long. Makes me sad.
I am glad when people read , but I write for me, and I haven't done that for myself in a long while. I hope this isn't a boring post, but it's for me, so I hope those reading will indulge my rambling.

* Baby Grows Up*

In a week my daughter will be 15 years old.
She doesn't seem 15.
I say she is "emotionally young" , say she is " socially immature" . I am thinking of having her screened for autism. It's little things, but I suspect she may have some mild autism traits. And I knew it, and I saw it, for years. ( some of her teachers have noticed it now)
I don't know what difference it will make to have her diagnosed at this point.
She is brilliant.
She struggles with some stuff, but what difference will a new label make?
I'd rather she makes C's in Algebra, than be making A's in some Special Math class.
She is a little weird socially, but she has friends, she has a boy who is crazy about her, she is passing her classes.
Part of me sees no reason to rock the boat. Part of me thinks we should find out for sure if she has Aspergers Syndrome, though I am not sure what good a label can do for her.
But she isn't a " normal" 15 year old. Not by a long shot.
Katie is definately "younger" than her peers, but she is smarter and more intellectually mature than most of them too.
Sometimes I worry, most times I am just happy to know her.

*True Friend*

A good Friend is having surgery tomorrow.
I wish I lived closer to her. I wish I was the kind of friend who could take her kids for her when she was sick, or just needed a babysitter. I wish I could bring her a hug, or some slippers , in person.
I'd like to bring her food, or do her dishes, or hold her hand.
But that's the thing with this new world, where our friends aren't just the people down the street. Sometimes they are the people 3 states over and hundreds ( if not a thousands) of miles away. Sometimes the people you love most, aren't in your backyard.
We get to choose the friends who match our hearts, not our zipcodes.

I hope you will send some good thoughts to our friend tomorrow. Some healing thoughts.
I'll update what I know, on The Circle.

*Deenie Plays*

So my sister Deena, she has found her dream job!
Get this.
She gets paid, to play video games.
For real!
It isn't a scam, she gets a salary and will be getting benefits and everything.
It's a real freakin' job!
So she tells me it's not all easy, that there are reports to write, and criteria to meet, and she spent long hours training, but still , she gets paid to play games.
She gets PAID to PLAY games!
I am in awe!
So wish my Sis, some good job vibes ( that is, if you aren't too jealous)
She reads here sometimes, maybe she'll give an update.
Deenie? You Go! Rock that job!

* Random Weird Stuff *

* I used to work with a guy named Keno. He had a gambling problem.

*Last week it was 18 degrees F , today it was 80. ( For you Canadians, that means it was freeze ass cold last week, and A/C , sunburn weather today). This morning it was 34 on my patio at 6 a.m., and 3 hours later it was 70. Weird. No wonder everyone is sick. * snifle*
Talk to me about Global Warming! The weather is all messed up.

* I washed my car today . ( see above)

* Five years ago last weekend, my husband had a little medical thing. A little brain hemorhage. ( some surgery, couple weeks in a neuro ICU, a year recovery)
It changed our lives forever.
No matter how bad his feet stink, I am grateful he is snoring right now on the sofa. No matter how crazy he makes me, he isn't dead, or worse.

* Shout out to Carey. You talk to me like you last talked to me yesterday.
I like that in a person. Your friends, are lucky people.

* Tomorrow I don't have to work at the school, I get to work my retail job tomorrow night.

Goodbye 2006

2006-12-31T02:12:00.000-06:00

We had a wonderful Christmas!
Hope you all had good heart and warm Holiday feelings.

I hope you all are having as wonderful a New Year as we are.
2006 started off badly for me and mine, but through hard work, and heart, and good fortune , it's ending well.

Steve has been hired on permantely with the company he has been working for since March. More money, great benefits, job security that he hasn't had in 3 years.
We have medical insurance again!

I'm making some desicions about my work thing .
I can't go on working two jobs forever, and have decided to let one of them go. For those of you hoping I would keep the one that pays less, but makes me happier, well, I think I'm going in that direction. In fact, upon hearing that I was thinking of leaving my school job, one of the managers at the retail place offered me my own department. ( plus more hours and more money)
Not as much as the LunchLady gig pays, but close.
I think I may do that, come the end of the School year ( May)
I can honestly say that in 5 months, that I have never had a 'Bad Day' there.
I like it!
I like it more than any job I've ever had.
The only reason I don't quit the school job now, is that I can't leave them hanging in the middle of the year.

I wish you all well!
I wish you happiness and prosperity, I wish you Love and good fortune.
I wish you good parking, and good karma.

Happy 2007!

She'll Break Your Heart

2006-11-19T19:16:00.000-06:00

I'm going to tell you about a girl.
She's probably no different than many other American girls her age.
I'll call her Bailee, it's not her name, but it's close enough.

I work with kids, teens. I've spent the last 5 1/2 years serving lunch to hundreds of them, and I currently have one living in my house.
I guess I thought I knew what teenaged girls were like, but Bailee isn't like the kids I've known.
Bailee is the type of girl you see on daytime TV talkshows, and ratings sweeps News magazine shows.

Bailee works with me at my retail job.
Bailee is 16 ( though several times she's tried to tell me she is nearly 18, usually when I inform her that a boy is too old for her) , when I first met her last summer she was living with her grandmother, and told me she was "home schooled" . From what I can gather the child is getting very little "school" in her life education.

The "story" goes that her Mother is a complete fuck up, and drugged out left Bailee with the grandmother to raise. Of course the story changes depending on who Bailee is telling it to.

She is tiny thin, about 5'3" , over make-upped in a teenaged way. Dark haired, with the cutest gap toothed smile you ever saw, and dimpled. Pretty.

Bailee is wild, that much is for sure, though she tries to be sweet and play " little girl" to me. I know better.

She pretends she is street smart, the bravado a cover for the empty places.
But she isn't a smart wild girl, she is quite naive, and so vunerable that you can smell it all over her.
She thinks she is in charge, tough, but is so easily manipulated I fear for her. ( as do most of the adults she works with.)

Bailee knows that my daughter is close to her age, just 2 years younger, and she asks me about my daughter alot.
I think at first she was worried about my daughter being home alone when I was at work, because she asked what my daughter was doing at night, and if she could cook, what was she eating, would she be awake when I got home.
Then one day she said , " Are you married?"
I told her I was.
" So your kid's Dad is there?"
" Yes, she's home for about an hour then he gets home."
" So she has a Dad ?"

It seemed that it had never occurred to Bailee that a kid would live with both parents.

One day she says to me, eyes twinkling
" If you were my Mom, I'd be such a Momma's girl"

I wanted to cry.

She started going to a continuation high school, and when I asked her how it was going she told me she got a 90 on a Chemistry exam. I knew she was lying, I could see it in her eyes. She needed praise so badly, I told her I was proud of her, and that she should be proud of herself. I told her that getting her Dipolma was so important, the most important thing for her future.

The boys, so many boys.
Bailee never a met a boy that wasn't "hot".
There are drug dealers who wait in the parking lot , talking on their cell phones, waiting for her to get off work. There are boys who follow her around the store while she works, and each new guy hired to work in the warehouse is fair game. She always has a new boyfriend.

" Did you see the new guy? He's HOT!"
" Bailee , he is too old for you."
" He's 19."
" Yep, too old for you, concentrate on your studies."
" You're old, Woman!"
" Yes, I am. He's too old for you."

I know she does drugs, I 've heard her making deals on a cell phone in the breakroom, I've seen who picks her up, I can spot a dealer, I lived with one back in the 80's.
I know she used to score pot for a gal who used to work there. I've seen her high.
I'm old, I'm not stupid.

" I don't do drugs."
" Aw Bailee, I know better than that."
" No really, none of my friend's do drugs either."
" I don't believe that."
" You don't?"
" No."
" Does your daughter do drugs?"
" No. She is much younger than you."
" Only 2 years."
" Yes, but she is younger emotionally, not like you. She doesn't do drugs."
" I don't do drugs."
" You do what you do , Bailee. I'm not stupid, but I'm not judging you either."
" Okay"

Last night

" Hey Bailee, throw away those cigs in your purse, okay?"
" You looked in my purse?!"
"No, it was on the table in the breakroom, it was open, the pack was right there on top. Throw them away."
" You smoke"
" Yes, but I wish I'd quit back when I was your age. "
" Really?"
" Yes"
" What if your daughter smoked?"
" She hates cigarettes, but I'd make her quit."
"You would? You'd make her?
" Yes, I would."

Last month her mom came back. The details are sketchy, but Mom wasn't back for long before she kicked Bailee out of the house.

" What if your daughter wanted to have sex?"
" I think she'd talk to me first, I hope she would."
" You'd talk to her about sex?"
" Sure, we talk about that stuff now, before."
" What if she wanted Birth control?"
" Well, Bailee, we'd talk about it, and I'd get her Birth Control if she needed it."
" You would?"
" Sure, if she needed it. Have you told your Mom that you need BC?"
" No way! She'd never, she'd freak!"
" Get yourself some condoms , Bailee. Use them, always."
" Okay, I will"
" Seriously, always."
" Okay, Woman! Geeeeze!"
( She never calls me by my name, she always calls me 'Woman')

I wanted to tell her to go home.
I wanted to tell her that her Mom would take her back, but I wasn't sure she would. Bailee stayed with friends and various guys for a couple weeks. I overheard her tell someone that she blew a guy for a place to stay for the night.

One night as she left work I was out taking a smoke break with one of the managers ( my favorite, a really nice guy).
He says to me, " There goes a really messed up kid."
" I worry about her, you know she is only 2 years older than my daughter?"
" She is years older than your daughter. Do you know that her grandmother takes her whole check?"
" What? Her paycheck? Seriously?"
" Bailee can't even afford to buy herself a Coke at work. She has no ID, so her grandmother cashes her paycheck for her , and takes it all."
" What about her Mom?"
" I don't know, I heard she came back and booted Bailee out of the house."
" That's what I heard too. "
"She's started to take her job really seriously, she is working hard, I hate that someone takes her paycheck. I told her to pay her grandmother gas money off the top, and the rest save."
" She breaks my heart" , I say.
" I know, me too. " , He says.

Bailee has a new boyfriend.
They don't last long, there is always a new boy.
Friday night she says to me,

" You should see my new Boyfriend, He's HOT!"
" How new?" I say.
" What do you mean?"
" How new is he?"
" 2 or 3 days."
" Don't have sex with him yet, Bailee."
" Woman! I already did! Why not?"
"You should wait, make them wait."
" I had sex with him the first date."
" I did that once."
" No WAY! You? On the fist date?"
" Yes, but just once, and I married him, we've been together ever since. I don't reccommend it, but I was 27 years old, not 16."
" So you are still with that guy?"
" Yep, but I dated alot of guys before him, just don't give it up right away. Okay? You have more to offer than that."
" Woman, this guy is HOT!"
" Bailee, they are all Hot, make them wait a little while , okay? You are worth the wait."
" Woman, you don't get it, he's HOT!"

Oh yea I do. I get it. You make me want to cry Bailee. I get it all too well.

One day she was mad that she didn't get the hours she wanted, she threatened to quit.
That worried me. Because as long as she shows up to work, we know she is alright.
I can't fix her, I can't take her in, I can't smooth the waves of her life.
I see her.
I see her jump around and her every moment says " Look at me! Notice me! Love me! Please!"

I try to pat her on the back whenever I can, I look for appropriate moments to 'hug' her ( It's awkward, because it's not that type of job setting, but I've never met anyone who needs a hug more than Bailee.)

So the new boy at work comes to me Saturday night, ( last night) he is 16, he is emotionally wiser than his years, he has a better education than I do already , ( he studies Psychology for fun, and does card tricks based on calculus puzzles.) He is kind, he is thoughtful, he has this perfect family life.

He calls me , Miss Erica.
Bailee thinks he is " Hot"
( He's cute , but a total book nerd, no way is he her 'type')

Last night he says to me,

" Miss Erica? Can I talk to you about Bailee?"
" Bailee? You should stay away from that."
" Oh I don't mean like that, I meant that I worry about her. I know that she is without a Father influence in her life , so she seeks Male attention. Miss Erica? She breaks my heart."
" I think you are right, John, about her need for male attention. I don't think it's her fault."
" She makes me so sad, Miss Erica."
" Be kind to her John, not friendly, just be kind."
" Okay, that sounds good. She breaks my heart."
" I know, she breaks mine too."

Work Work Working

2006-11-09T00:45:00.000-06:00

I worked 12 hours today.

Five hours at my Lunch Lady gig, then six hours at my retail job, add the errands I ran between jobs, and the time I spent getting the kid ready for school this morning, and I figure 12 hours ( at least, if I add drive time , I can add another hour).

And now it's after midnight, nearly one a.m. , I have to get up at 6:00, and I can't sleep.

I'm tired, and sore , and I've had 3 beers, and I am not at all sleepy.

Hubby is making more money now, and I know I got to drop one of these jobs soon. Unfortunately, the one I hate, pays more. And, I hate to quit anything.

If I was smart I'd half-ass the retail job, but I just can't do that. I work it , though it isn't a hard job, I make the effort to do it really well. I like it, but it pays for shit, and working nights is just tough.
I miss my kid.
It's only 3 nights a week ( they begged me to take more hours , so it's now 3 days instead of 2) , but that's so much time away from Kate.
The discount rocks though! We bought an armoire for Katie's room, and saved $120!!!!!

I really have started to dread my day job.
How many years can I stand over a fryer and still like myself?
I love the kids, but that's only an hour and a half out of five hours that it's fun.
But with the raise it pays better than I ever thought it would. ( It was a really good raise, more than I thought it'd be, more than any other part -time job in town )

I'm just not sure how much longer I can work 2 jobs. ( And it's really 3 jobs , because I still do the Housewife Mommy thing, with all the errands and time that involves)
But how do I quit?
And which one?
Who do I let down?

Oh! And get THIS!
Jesus Freak girl from my school job, has decided that she wants to work at my store!
She wants to apply at the same place I work, because I like it there, and so she thinks she will too!
ACK!
I can barely stand her at the one place!

It isn't just the preachy thing. She is one of those people who works slowly and leaves her job incomplete so someone else has to finish it for her. She does parts of her job wrong on purpose, so someone else has to always fix it for her. Even when you tell her how to do it right, she shrugs and does it wrong on purpose.
She is an inconsiderate co-worker!
She is the rudest person I know.
She likes me. I can't stand it!

But I can't be mean to her, because her husband died 2 months ago from a very painful 4 months of bone cancer. It was horrible , and I feel so bad for her and her kids.
I just can't hate someone I have that much empathy for, yet she is still such an unlikeable person.
Why does she have to want to work at both my jobs?

I should go to bed, try to get 5 hours of sleep, before it's time to go to work work work again.

Trick or Treat , Ya'll

2006-10-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

Boo

I saw a ghost.
Really.
A few weeks ago I saw my Mom.

And for those of you keeping score, next December she will have been gone from this life for two years.
Two years.
I can't believe it.
Just a blink ago she was nagging me about my bad grades and my dirty bedroom.
Then she was holding my newborn baby, and nagging me about my dirty apartment.
Two years ago she was holding my hand and gasping for breath.

But I saw her, just a couple weeks ago.

I was on my way home from work and I stopped at my Bank. Usually I do the drive -thru, but that day I had to walk- in , because they had negelected to return my ID at the drive -thru, and I had to pick it up.

So I pull into the parking lot, I fuss around a bit in my purse, and I happen to look up, and there she was.
Right in front if me!
Looking right at me!

I got chills, ( like you do when you see a ghost) and I just stared at her.
She looked right at me.
My Mom , looking right at me.
She was right there , I could almost hold her.

I was almost in tears when I realised that the front of the Bank is a mirror.
I was looking at me, looking like her.

I was so surreal.

She used to tell me that I was just like her, and I would tell her she was wrong, I was nothing like her.
But we were both right.
Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of my mother, in mirrors.

Haunted

I have lived in haunted places.
Several of the houses I grew up in were haunted by spirits.
Footsteps heard in the night, things that moved and broke all by themselves.
Actual ghosts that more than one person saw were present in more than one house.
In one place we lived there was a little blond girl with tiny teeth, who smiled in the dreams of everyone who slept in the house. (My bother's friend walked in on her one night in our kitchen, I don't think he ever stayed over again, her smile was terrible.)

But one of my favorite ghost stories, was in the Sylmar house, where lots of things happened.
One day I came home from school and went to my Mom's room to visit with her, she'd been sick and was in her bed. Mom's bed faced the master bathroom door.
I came in and used the potty to pee, with the door open while I talked to Mom about my day.
She could see me from where she was sitting.
After I was done I went to sit on the edge of her bed and talk to her about day.
Then there was a thump in the bathroom, loud, we both heard it.
I walked over to see what it was , and all the framed pictures on the wall in the bathroom were flipped.
They were all upside down!
No one had been in there!
They were right just a moment before when'd I 'd been in the bathroom, the door had been open the whole time.
But there they were, the wall pictures, all 3 of them, upside down.

Jack O Lantern

We carved 3 this year. I love the Pumpkin carving thing!
I am the Martha of pumpkin carving.
I do it every year, I have special knives, I have patterns .
Often I take 2 or 3 days to do my 3 to 5 pumpkins.

This year we had 3 that we bought at the last minute, today ( Trick or Treat was tonight in my neighborhood) . We got home at 1 p.m. and the Kins were ready at 6 ( just before the T or T ers started to appear) This is the quickest that the pumpkins were done, ever!

And they looked good!
I had so much fun handing out candy , the kids were so cute!

I love Halloween!
I had so much fun!
Decorating and getting Katie's costume ready, and handing out the candy !

And all day I felt my Mom with me.
She loved the Fall.
I felt like she was there, with me, all day.

Blessed Autumn to you all!

Long Time Gone

2006-10-01T17:37:00.000-05:00

July First?
July First!!!!!!???

Okay, so I knew I hadn't been here in a long time, but 3 months?
I would like to officially and sincerly apolagize to anyone who still checks in here.
I am a bad bad Bug.
I had a bad summer, yes ; but I never intended to not write the entire summer.

I did get a job, finally. Just when I gave up looking and resigned myself to getting ready for the new school year, I got a job.
It doesn't pay as much as the lunchlady gig, and it wasn't enough hours to be full-time, but they offered it to me, so like Lucy, " I took it!"

I quit after the first week, but nice responsible person that I am, I agreed to work the hours that I was schedualed for the next week, and then another 25 hr week on top of that. ( the second 25 hrs overlapped my first week at school, and basically kicked my ass, 55 hrs was way more than I could handle)

The thing was, I liked the store, and I liked the people, I just didn't like the department I was in ( furniture) or the job I was assigned to. I didn't have enough training and it was oodles of paperwork for every transaction. It was too much for a second job.

But after I quit, I started wandering the store whenever the furniture dept was dead (often).
I went hunting for customers to assist, I helped the other departments with their stocking and recovery. I learned the store, I swept, whatever to keep busy.
I liked helping customers.
And that was the job I'd applied for in the first place anyway.

The managers all loved me, I had 3 of them beg me to stay. The store manager told me several times how much he hated losing me, how good I was with customers.
They all started asking me if I would stay if they took me out of furniture, would I stay if they gave me the hours I wanted? Would I stay for 3 shifts a week? Two?
I could keep my pay ( furniture started at more than storeside) , I could work one or two evenings a week, and the occasional Saturday morning, and the best part was I would keep my 20% employee discount.

I took it.
I'm sometimes tired, but I am making enough there to pay my weekly car payment and the store discount is saving us crazy money.
(There is a weekend in November that we get 30% off! I am so doing all my Christmas shopping then)

If it paid as much as my Food job , I'd quit the School.
I've spent way too many hours standing over a deep fryer. But I just got a 92 cent an hour raise at the school so I can't afford to leave there, yet.

I was going to say where I worked, because I love the store! But I think I may want to talk about it here, so I am not going to name it.
It is a retail chain that does NOT start with a W or a T or a K.

It's my first retail job! I really like it!

If I am mostly absent from the places you usually see me, this is why.

Things that make me Smile

***Katie***

My Kate has been so responsible. Makes me so proud.
On the days that I work nights ( 5-10 is how it's schedualed, but we are usually done early and I am home by 9:30 most nigths) she gets home right after I get to work , and she calls the store to leave a message that she is home. She does homework before anything else. Some days she even gets dinner started.

I chaparoned at her school dance last weekend.
She's odd, her friends are odd, but it was fun!
Her "boyfriend" was there, the little redhead boy who hs been calling her and holding her hand for a year. They didn't dance, but they did run around and act like fools. Not the most mature kids in the school, but they had fun.

***Wheezy***

My Friend Lisa, our Wheezy.
She got a literary agent for one of her writings.
That agent is working to get her story made into a book.
A book we can buy, a book we can hold in our hands, touch the pages, smell the ink.
I love Lisa's writing, I cherish her words. She is amazing!

I can't wait to read her book while resting on my potty ( beacuse that is where I like to read), or lying in bed. A Wheezy story I can hold in my hands, as well as my heart.

Look for her on the bestseller list soon!

***True***

Love that True!
Why does me make me smile?
No reason, just being herself. It's the best reason!
She made me crazy all summer by bringing the Big Brother live feeds to me, as a gift.
( and really, when you can't sleep at 4 a.m. it's good to know you can click on Janelle practicing for comps and flirting with Will, it was the coolest gift ever!)

True is just always her honest self, never more or less.
I love that!
She listens to me whine, she listens to me happy, she shares her life , she laughs!
And even if we only talk for a few minutes about nothing, it refreshes me.
She gives more than she gets, and she rarely complains.
I adore her!
True's friends are lucky!

***Chatroom***

Makes me smile!
There have been some fun people in the chat lately.
When I get home from work and need to unwind before bed, it's a fun place to go.
Old friends , new friends, a good visit place.
I made a friendly connection with someone I hadn't felt as warm to before.
It was really nice.
I got to meet him on a different level than the message boards, one on one, real time, makes a difference in how you get to know someone.
I got to like someone who I was previously unsure of.
It made me smile!

My Readers

I hope you are still there.
I was wrong to leave this place for so long.
I let myself down too, not writing for so long.
I let down the people who checked in for a soupy story or update.
I have more Frog Farm stories to tell, and maybe even some interesting or silly daily stuff to share. ( I work retail now, there should be stories to tell)
If you are still checking in here, Thanks.

Heart you all
Wish you Safe and Well
My Readers, my Friends

Life on the Frog Farm

2006-07-01T20:23:00.000-05:00

Who can say they grew up on a Frog Farm?

I guess my siblings can, but their memories aren't as clear.

I've been thinking about writing about my grandparents farm.
About what I learned there, about frogs and life and stuff.
They didn't just raise frogs, they also raised chickens, and crickets and worms to feed the frogs and chickens too.

And they raised me.

Summer was the best time, because we got to go to the Frog Farm for days and days.
One time I spent the whole summer there.
All by myself.
No sibs, no parents, just me and the grandfolks and the frogs, for two whole months!
I was 11, I think, maybe 10.
Between the time when my Dad died and my Stepdad left.
Between childhood and responsibity.

Magic!

I mention it now because I am there again, in my heart.

After Uncle Stuart died last month my cousin asked me if there was anything of Stuart's that I wanted.
All his things were with her, because he'd moved there to die, and he did , 5 weeks after he got there.

Kelly - Is there anything you want? Anything you need from his things?
Buggy - Oh, there is one thing ... but I am sure that everyone else wants it.
Kelly - What? Tell me, no one else has asked for anything yet.
Buggy- The painting of the Farm? Does he still have that? You know, he and I, we loved that place like nowhere else on earth.
Kelly- It's here! You want it, it's yours!
Buggy- OMG! Really? I alwas loved it!
Kelly - Yes! I'll be in Texas next month, I'll bring it to you.
Buggy- Are you sure?
Kelly - Of course! It's yours.

I have it now , the painting.
There is no artist signature on it, it's just an oil painting of an old farmhouse in the desert with a barn off to the left, and mountains behind. A simple raw wood frame, not a masterpiece to anyone else.
I love it.
I loved that house, I loved that place.
I think my uncle would be happy that I have it, because I love it so. I think he knew that he and I loved that place the most.
The Frog Farm, was my favorite place on earth. Still.

The best days of my childhood were spent there.
It was sold years ago, I hear it's a vineyard now.
I probably wouldn't know it if I saw it. The frogs are gone for sure, and probably the house too.

But now I have it in oil, that moment in time and memory, when it was perfectly the perfect place.
That time and place when my grandparents raised frogs in a desert, when I rode a horse that was really a bike, when I was the only kid , for the best summer of my life.

They are all gone now, everyone who loved the Farm, all gone, except me.

I think maybe I should write about the Farm.
Who else grew up on a Frog Farm?
Only me.

KatieBug is Home!

2006-07-01T17:12:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted anything for weeks, but I checked my pulse and took my tempature, and I was depressed.

Anything I would have posted would have been a serious downer.
Not that I don't post about my weaker moments, not that I don't talk about my sad stuff, not that I am above a pity party now and again, but it was too much.
I was too sad to write.
My rock, my reason, was away.
She is why I get up everyday.
I can handle sad when Kate is here, without her, the bad stuff seems harder.
But she's back!

Katie did her traditional ( second time) two week visit to California.
The great adventure, the vacation!

There was a bit of conflict this time, she and her Grandmother butted heads a bit. They are both strong willed and uncompromising women. Grandmother didn't get that the reason they clashed was that they both like to be right. What she sees as helpful, Kate sees as critical. Neither one will ever admit they are wrong about anything.
Of course Kate is excused somewhat, since she is a fourteen year old girl and they are suppossed to be kinda bitchy and think they know everything. It't the nature of the beast.

Grandmother, ( this is what the kids call her) bought Katie everything her heart desired, and then some. She came home with tons of clothes, and various other stuff.
Thank goodness I cleared out her dresser and made room in her closet. So grateful for the new clothes, I wouldn't have been able to buy them. ( But did the child need 12 bras, and 20 pairs of socks?)

I did have to listen to a 45 minute phone earfull about all the things that were wrong with my kid, with implications of bad parenting being the cause of her every flaw. But hey, the kid has 2 new pairs of school shoes and 8 pairs of pants. ( I know when I've been bought and paid for, I know who owns me)

Katie's impression of her trip is much better then the version I heard.
Good.
I'd rather she didn't try to live up to the image that was expected of her, better she is just who she is. She is home now, and can drive me crazy just the way I like.

Yep, it still sucks here. I still don't have a job, and am still stressed out about paying the bills.
All the same crap, but I sleep better, because my kid is home.

My Katie is home.
My heart is back.

Yarn Math

2006-06-10T00:29:00.000-05:00

I have been making a gift for my MIL
( Yes, the one who upsets me)
It's a shawl ( or, if she hates it, something to throw over a chair)
Each ball of yarn if 71 yards long.
I have just started on the 5th ball.
Every row takes me 10 to 15 minutes to knit ( I'm slow)
I have no idea how many rows I've knitted, I just know that it isn't done.
The yarn is so beautiful that I don't even have to be good.

I bought the yarn when I wasn't smoking, and each ball cost about a pack of cigs, so it's almost like the thing was free.
And each row was 15 minutes that I wasn't holding a cigarette.

And as bad as I am at knitting? It's beautiful.

I once babysat a toddler for a friend of my Husband, just for the craft hobby money.
For a YEAR!
I potty trained someone else's whiney 2 year old just to pay for my ceramics habit.
I made some cool stuff though.

When we had no money for craft supplies, I used to sculpt out of shredded newspaper, and glue and sand, and scraps of magazines.
Before the internet came to my house, I was an artist.

So if I knit 2 yards of yarn an hour, how long have I spent on this project?
How many cigs did I not smoke?
Will I finish it by next Tuesday?

Such a Busy Bug ?

2006-06-09T09:13:00.000-05:00

Ha!
I was up at 5:30 this morning. It's now 9:10 and I have gotten so much done.
I sent an email to my sister, I played a game demo , I rewashed the hubby laundry ( because I left it in the washer for 2 days and it wasn't smelling too fresh). I cleaned out the hamster cage, I drank about half a pot of coffee, and I read 2 chapters in a book.
And ummm, well, that's it!

I have a million things to do to get the kiddo ready for her California trip, my house is clutter central, I need to try to finish a knitting project, and I haven't even taken a shower yet today( or brushed my teeth) .

I'm hoping this is my last Friday off for awhile.
I haven't heard back about the job, but the interview went great. It's exactly what I was looking for, and it pays more than I hoped.
I think I have a really good chance, but I'm so nervous.
Hopefully I'll hear soon, she wanted someone to start Monday.

Thanks for all the good thoughts, I think you guys really helped my confidence.
I just hope she calls me soon.

Snorts and Giggles

2006-06-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a bad week, so I thought I'd write a little about the lighter side.

Actual Conversations

The other day I was at the little grocery by my house. Just picking up a few essentials ( bread, milk, teepee, something for dinner, (I was dying for tacos).
And I know I shouldn't have blown the 4 bucks on beer, but dammit, I wanted one. So I'm there in the checkout, with the CuteYoungThing ringing up my stuff, making the usual small town small talk, went like this

CYT - Are you having a good day?
Bug - Oh not too bad, you?
CYT - Okay. Is it sposed to rain this week?
Bug - That's what I heard, it'd be nice
CYT - Can I see your ID for the beer?
Bug - ?? Huh?
CYT - ID
Bug - Really?
CYT - I have to card everyone under 30, sorry, it's a rule
Bug - *looking for ID in wallet, smiling *
CYT - I carded a woman who was 40yrs old earlier today! Can you believe it?!
Bug - Really? *smiling bigger, trying to get ID out of the little pocket*
CYT - I was so embarressed!
Bug - *Hands over ID*
CYT - OMG! You look so young!
Bug - Thank You !
CYT - You're older than my Mom!
Bug- Oh? ( ouch)
CYT - You look way younger than my Mom!
Bug - *smile back* Thanks!
CYT - Have a nice day!

Bless you CuteYoungThing. May someday , someone, give you as nice a compliment when you need it.

******

So me and Kate are watching The Today last week, like we do every school day morning.
She in the living room eating breakfast, me in the den behind her checking email. We're talking back and forth, and an ad comes on for the new Dixie Chicks CD.

Kate - How can the Dixie Chicks have a new CD?
Bug - Why not?
Kate - Aren't they too old?
Bug - Too old!!?? Why would they be too old to make a CD?
Kate - Aren't they like 30?
Bug - So? * laugh*
Kate - That's way too old to have a new CD.
Bug - No it isn't. What about the Stones, they're still good.
Kate - The who? ( I swear she said that)
Bug- Yes! And The Who!
Kate - That's old people music, it doesn't count.
Bug - Yes, it does too count.
Kate - It's old people Rock music, it doesn't count.
Bug - Yes it does! The Stones are still making great music, and they are really old.
Kate - I don't like Rock.

( And for this I blame her father, because if he didn't play all music at a level that shakes the walls, she might have a better appreciation for Rock. We have a really great classic rock collection , but he listens at such a loud level, that she has rebelled.)

Bug - Whatever, get dressed and brush your teeth.
Kate - * muttering* I still say they are too old for a new CD

I'm listening to the Chicks now, bought it today ( with a gift card that my MIL sent me last month) , it is speaking to me on a different level right now, more personnal than political for sure.

Katie Music

Tell me please, that I am not the only one who recognizes this song lyric

We're soaring
Flying
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we're trying
Yeah, we're breaking free

High School Musical mania has invaded my home. Mine, and millions of other households with teens and pre-teens. That Disney Channel!
Oh? Haven't heard about this phenomena?
Check the Billboard charts, do a goggle search, this thing is huge! Seriously.

Disney channel has tapped into this enormous audience by creating entertainment targeted at pre and young teens. Sitcoms , made for tv movies , pop music, all targeted at my child's demographic. It's okay entertainment too, bubble gum and fluff for sure, but why not?
I'd guess that even Disney was surprised at how this one took off though.
High School Musical is a made for Disney channel movie, a musical.
The story is sweet, and has a good message, the stars are perky, but the big thing is the music.

My child was singing along the first time she saw it. By the second, she knew all the words, and most of the middle school kids were singing this stuff in the halls. Even the cool kids knew the words.
Disney started showing it every Friday night, because it was a huge hit. ( and we watched it, again and again)
The soundtrack CD came out last March , and I bought it for Kate's Birthday the day I heard it was out ( read about it in Entertainment Weekly, it was 3rd on the Billboard chart already!)
Last week the DVD came out, like a good mom I bought it , and it has been played alot!
The songs stick in my head , and I find myself singing them all the time.
It could be worse, she used to listen to Barney CD's .

I expect more pop musicals from Disney , ( a sequel to HSM is already in the works) they have discovered an untapped goldmine.
I figure I'd better make some more money quick.
My child doesn't like Rock.

Job Hunting

We've had some pretty serious money troubles lately ( by "lately" I mean the last 3 years) , that have caused some problems this last week. We think it's going to get better, that we'll be able to hang on.
Of course it all hinges on me getting a better job. ( or two)

So I have been filling out applications, and putting on a brave face, and trying to get someone to interview me.
I've learned that applying for jobs is easier if you don't have the stench of desperation on you.
And good shoes.
I'm afraid my shoes aren't right.

So I've applied for two different receptionist positions. I have experience , though it's from a long time ago ( like before I was older than the Dixie Chicks, Ha!) .
One is at a Veterinary Hospital, and the other is at an Air Conditioning company.
I'm qualified for both.
I worked at a Vet when I was a babe of 20, and then worked customer service for a builder til I was 27. ( Oh my, was I ever that young?)

So no one has called me back yet. I picked up the Vet ap last Friday ( the day after my lunchlady gig ended for the summer, my feet were still sore) , dropped it off on Tuesday and called the office manager on Weds to inquire about an interview. Still nothing. ( I went by today and missed the office manager by minutes)
The A/C place I went to today, as soon as I saw the paper, they are interviewing next week.

I hope , I hope.

Two little picky problems with these jobs.
For those of you familier with the Bug Soup, you know I hate dogs.
The A/C place? It was freakin hot as hell in there! I wanted to ask if they had air conditioning.

I'll get one of them though, right?

Unless I don't have the right shoes.
Or I'm too old.
Or I look too young.

Wishing Lvoe to you all!
Have a wonderful weekend!

Uncle Stuart Passed - Mom came Home

2006-05-31T08:54:00.000-05:00

I am sad to report that my Uncle Stuart passed away last Sunday.
He was in the care of my cousin and her husband when he passed during a nap.

I was lucky to be able to talk to him the Friday before he passed.
We loved him very much , and he is already missed.

He originally wanted to be buried in a cemetary plot that my mother owned , next to my father in California. It needed to be transferred into his name, and that was to be my job.
Seemed simple enough , send the title and a letter of our ( my siblings and I) intent to give the plot to Stuart , and a copy of her Death certificate to Forest Lawn with a check for the cost of the transfer ( $100) , and they would send each of us kids a form to sign and have notorized then they'd put it in his name.
Shouldn't have been a problem , time was a factor but it could be done quickly, hopefully before he passed.
Well, there was a problem, seemed getting my mother's death certificate was a huge problem.
It's been a year and a half since she passed, but I'd never had a need for the cert before. Usually these things are handled by funeral homes, but my mother had donated her body to a university .
I started by contacting Hood County, where she died. They didn't have it, so I sent the request form to Tarrant County, where she was moved. They called me and had no record of her death , so I contacted the donation center for the university. They showed the certificate had been issued in Hood County where she died.
I went personnaly into the Vital Stats office and talked to a very pleasant woman , who told me they didn't have any record of it, and that she must not have died in Hood County.
Yes, she did, I was there.
So run around from her, while I stood there and literally cried that it wasn't a matter of wanting the cert, I needed it, my uncle was dying, and I had to get this done. She offered to contact the state office, but for some reason there was never anyone in that office, for days. I contacted the state office, but all they could tell me was that I could send a request , and in 10 days ( if I wanted to pay extra) or 4 weeks, I'd have the information.
After a week of dealing with the clerk, calling her several times a day, and stopping in her office a few times, the cert was located. In her office. She had inadvertantly filed it under my mother's maiden name.
Too late, much too late.
She'd found it 3 days after my Uncle Stuart had passed.
A week after he made other arangements, I finally got it.

My Mother's ashes were delivered by mail yesterday . They are sitting on the table in the front hall.
The box is heavy.

A Little of This , A Pinch of That

2006-04-30T16:53:00.000-05:00

Housecleaning

Oh man, do I hate housecleaning.
Always have and I'm just not good at it either. I supose before the days of personnal computers ( or at least before we had one) , I got more done around the house. You can listen to music while cleaning house, you can watch TV and fold clothes , you can clean the kitchen and talk on the phone at the same time. But the computer? Nothing gets done while messing around on there. Besides I tend towards laziness, ( which I'm not all that ashamed of by the way) and am easily distracted.
The other thing I totally hate is that no one pitches in. I don't get how people can sit on their ass and watch me work, or worse, mess it up while I'm cleaning ( Hubby walked right across my wet kitchen floor with dirty shoes while I was still mopping!).
If it gets doen at my house , it's because I did it. ( Except for yardwork, and I know if I did any yardwork at all, one time, it would become my job too.)
The weird thing is that once I start cleaning I get all OCD about it and can't stop. I start to just wipe down the bathroom counters and clean the mirror, and the next thing I'm washing walls and cleaning out cabinets, so the job gets too big and it ends up being left half done.

Anyway, what I really meant to say, was that I mopped the floors today. ( Along with about a dozen other jobs I didn't intend to do at all)

Volkswagon

I want to talk about those new VW ads on the TV. Not the weird ones with the Uber Stylin' German dude that smashes the other cars that are trendy, but not as good as the VW ( You know those ones? It's the guy that plays the Devil in that Keanu Reeves movie, Constantine) .
Nope, not those.
I want to talk about the ones with the crashing.
The way too very real screeching metal actual accident ads.
See, there was a time that those ads would have sent me to hide in a bed, in a dark room.
Because I was phobic of driving.
Agoraphobia, couldn't leave the house without anxiety for sure, but mostly, it was the car thing.
I was terrified of riding in a car, and driving was completely out of the question.
So I think the crash ads would have spun me back then.
Now?
I think I sorta like them.
Not the crash part, but I get into the ad before I realize that it's one of the "Crash" ones.
They start out so normal, a couple of guys having a conversation on the way to work , a pair of couples discussing the movie they just saw. I watch because it has a story , I want to know what happens next.
CRASH! SMASH!
That's what happens next.
The ads lull you into what is going on in the car, then BAM!
I think they are brilliant.
I want one of those safe cars!
Forget that I think they are ugly, they got airbags all around. Like driving a car while surrounded in bubble wrap . ( And really, who doesn't love bubble wrap?)
Those ads make me want that car.
Brilliant advertizing.

So I am driving on the hwy yesterday ( rural, 2 lanes , 70mph speed limit ) coming home from Costco ( where, by the way, you can purchase huge cases of bubblewrap. Who knew?) and I notice one of those crash protective VW's, being driven by a zoomer.
You know " Zoomers"?
Those are the cars that weave in and out of traffic, tailagating and shooting friom lane to lane, racing to get one car length ahead, who end up right next to you at the signal.
So this zoomer in the bubblewrap Jetta is all over the road, and then , somehow, he is behind me. And the fucker is right on my bumper.
The speed limit is 70, I'm pushing my little piece at 72 , and he is a breath away from the food in my trunk. I can't get over, I am blocked in by an 18 wheeler hauling cows and a granny in a Buick on my right. If I relax my foot on the gas at all ( it's floored) the Zoomer is gonna crush my 6 lb bag of tortilla chips.
It occurs to me that maybe having safer cars isn't as important as having safer drivers.
Then I wonder if maybe those cars aren't just safer in accidents , maybe they attract accidents.
He zooms around me somehow and slides between the big truck and the slow granny , he zips , he zoom zooms, he farfenugeuns his way around them all.
I am glad he is gone , stupid tailgating asshole!
HA!
I pull up next to him at the signal.

I still like those ads though, til the crash part.

Costco

Oh My GOODNESS!
How much do I love Costco?
So much, oh so much.
Hubby's Mom sends us gift cards about 2 , sometimes 3 times a year.
For about $ 200, sometimes $300 .
Do you have any idea how much food you can buy at Costco for 300 dollars??!!!!!
It's amazing!
I can actually buy more food than will fit in my car!
And I like to look. I go up and down every ailse, looking at stuff I am never gonna buy.
I brouse the tools , the garden items, the office supplies. I spend tons of time in the housewares section.
I don't buy that stuff; I just inhale the shopping experience of it.
I went to the Costco yesterday. It's a trip because it isn't close, it's a hwy drive, and it takes about 40 minutes to get there.
I had 78 bucks leftover on a giftcard from Xmas , and stocking up on meat for the freezer and soda, was my goal. I ended up writing a check for $104, but we got meals for almost 2 months, my child can eat chips and salsa for 3 weeks ( her favorite after-school snack) we got a huge tub of coffee , and I bought a book.
We are broke, but we're having grilled burgers on chibatta bread for dinner tonight!
I love Costco.

Excuse Me for Writing

2006-04-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

4/29/06

I wrote this back on the 8th, but didn't post it. It's been sitting in my drafts box for almost a month. I haven't felt right about my blog, and guess I need to get this out of the way before I start blogging again. So I am going to go ahead and get this over with and maybe start fresh here again.
My buddy Carey is right, if I am going to comment on friends blogs and get back into the loop, I should add some stuff here at my place, I guess I've neglected my fans. LOL!
( Besides I got tagged by Mystic and didn't even know it !)

So maybe this explains some of why I didn't update, and maybe it doesn't, but it's old business that I need to deal with. Cleaning out my emotional closet, I suppose.

I had more to this entry, including a bunch of stuff about quitting smoking , but since I've fallen a bit off the wagon this week, I edited that part out.

I'll update sometime this weekend.
Thanks to all that read me, those that comment, and those that don't, those in my real world and those in my cyber circle.

I've been trying to decide if I should post here in my place again.
I wrote for me here, and if anyone read it I was pleased, but that wasn't why I wrote.
I wrote for me.
I guess it hadn't occurred to me that I could be judged for it, that people in my real life would resent my writing an online journal.
And that is what this is for me, a journal of sorts.

Some of my online buddies write very interactive Blogs.
I love those!
They are like meeting places , and interactive parties. Some peeps have separate blogs for private thoughts and public, and that is all cool.
I just have this place, and I kinda just use it to write essays about my life.

It's about me.
Maybe that seems selfish to some, but I like having a space that is all about me, a place to talk about what I think and feel.
This is my journal, ( though I have let it be public in that anyone can read it. )
I don't advertise it on message boards, I don't mind other blog friends linking it, but it's for me.
It's my expression, my lamenting, my laughing , my bitching place.

I didn't know that writing for me was somehow insulting to my Sister.
I had no idea that she would be hurt reading what I wrote about my personnal feelings of despair over recent events. Family issues that affect many people.
I don't hold any personnal patent on family pain. It doesn't belong to me alone, this is a shared pain.
I just wasn't aware that I had to ask permission to write about how I felt.

Hey Deena?
Is it okay if I talk about my feelings?
Will that upset you?
Because I don't want to fight with you.
I don't want hurt feelings.
I can't believe you dissed me on my blog.
I can't believe you didn't call me, but instead told me off publically .
I can't imagine you would be offended that I wrote my feelings for me.

I guess I owe my sister Deena an email.
I have been looking at the email she sent me for days, and am still not sure how to respond.
I am not sure if I'm pissed or crushed.

Welcome to Buggy's Pity Party!

2006-03-25T22:29:00.000-06:00

WooHoo!

What do we have on the Party agenda today?
We got more loved ones dying!
Can we get a " HeyYa" for more terminal Cancer!!!

My Uncle isn't going to make it.
They've stopped his Chemo ( hate hate hate the Chemo, does it help anyone? No one I know)

I'm too despondant to really talk about it.
I'd like to talk about him, I adore him.
He has always been my favorite.
If you knew him, you'd love my Uncle Stuart too.

I need to call him, and I can't.

I hope I can see him again.

I need to tell him how impotant he is to me, how important he was, to that little girl without a Daddy.
How much I Love him, and how much I love how wonderful he has been to my little girl.

I am just too sad to call him, yet.
Crying would be bad, gotta get it together.
Because it can't be about me, it's about him.
He is worried about me, and I can't cry.

I wish my Mom was here.

The Economy

2006-03-19T18:10:00.000-06:00

I'm going to wade into the "deep end" just a little, ( I'm not much of a swimmer).

I am so tired of hearing how great the frucken economy is.
Seriously?
Who do you know who is better off now than they were 6 years ago?

Anyone on the edge of middle class fell over the edge and into the gap.

Six years ago we had insurance coverage, we had a nice little savings account, and we paid all our bills. We had a decent savings, a 401K account.

We've never had credit cards ( since Steve and I married) , and we don't plan on ever taking on that kind of debt.
We never lived above our means.
Think about that a minute.

We NEVER spent more than we could afford , EVER.
We have never lived a charge card life. We have always been frugal in our purchases, saving money and paying cash for the big items. ( like saving up $ 500 to buy the new mattress we desparately needed for our bed)
We did everything right.
All the things you are suppossed to do to stay clear from debt.

And you always think that if you lose your job that there is something else out there, something better, or at least, just as good.

But the job market still sucks.
Three years after my husband lost his job, and we drained our savings, and sold whatever we had worth selling just to live on, ( just to pay the utilities and groceries) it still sucks.

Oh, there are jobs.
Low paying, no benefits, jobs.
Three or four of them might get you by, but none of them will pay for your kid to go to the dentist. None of them will offer you the smallest of benefits.

I read last week in a News magzine, that stocks are up. I'm sure they are, for the weathly.
The little bit of stock we own, that we bought for 19 a share , 7 years ago? It's hovering around 25 cents a share now.
Whoopie!
We can't even sell it, the fees cost more than it's worth.

So keep telling me that the economy is good, as I watch business after business close in my town, as I search the job ads everyday, as I see more employers hiring for less money and more hours.
There is no safety net in this economy, especially for the former Middle class.

I just heard the President say , " A Victory in Iraq , will make this Country more secure".

BULLSHIT!

There is no Victory, only more debt.
Debt our children's children will still be paying for.

And by the way, being broke doesn't exclude you from owing taxes. We barely made enough to keep the lights on, no matter how hard we worked, and we still owe the IRS over $400 from 2004. We owe this year too.

Thankfully I do my part to help the multibillion dollar debt this Government is spending on it's war.

The economy is good?
Excuse me while I be sick.

Beasts Are Gone

2006-03-19T17:16:00.000-06:00

The doggy beasts are gone!
WooHoo!
In a week of dissapointments, and severe neck pain ( I pinched something and it is giving me the headache of my life) , of worries and stress, of jobs found and lost, the bright shining moment was yesterday, when my brother finally removed the beasts from my house.

They were only allowed to be here for a week, and yet somehow ( because no one listens to me , ever) they survived in my home for a year and seven days.
But now they are gone!

I have lived through it.
I haven't killed anyone , canine or human.
I have survived the allergy attacks, the doggy piss smell in my house , the dog hair on everything, for a whole year.
( and it may take another year to completely remove all traces of canine fur)

I think I deserve some kind of prize!

Good for Kurt!
He has got his own place, it's close to his work, it has a yard for his beasts, he can afford it.
All is well.

I saw the room today, for the first time in a year.
The room that was once our perfect Guest Room, and then was Mom's Room, and has for the last year been Kurt's Room, referred to ( by me) as The Kennel.

It's pretty bad.
The beasts have chewed the walls in places, and I don't even want to talk about the carpet.
There is about 4 inches of dog hair on every surface.
The blinds, the ceiling fan, the blades of a floor fan, my mothers nick nacks and books.
The entire room looks furry.
And it stinks.

I suppose I am thankful they didn't do more damage, the custom wood blinds are still intact , though the window screen is shredded, the matress doesn't seem to be chewed up any.
I hope the carpet can be saved.

Hey, think of all the electricity I'll be saving!

I think I will miss having my brother here.
But if he ever needs a place again?
Well, this house has a strict, NO DOG policy , from now on.
Strict!

The Beasts are GONE!!!

And I count my little blessings as they come.

Hubby Job

2006-03-09T22:02:00.000-06:00

I think Steve may have a new job.
We will know for sure on Monday ( he has to take an electronics test)

If you care at all about me, please send good thoughts, or prayers if that is your heart.

I know we aren't the only ones struggling, it has been a bad several years for many.

This isn't just a "job", this one could change our lives.
This could recover us, save us , take us back to where we were before everything fell apart 3 years ago.

I think I could sleep again, knowing that we could pay the power bill, and still buy groceries.
I think I could be confident in my marriage again, my Hubby would be home every night, no more traveling away to work.
And best of all, we'd have insurance again for the first time in 3 years.

I've been so afraid to hope that something good might happen for us , but this time, I think it's going to be okay.
I am letting myself hope.

So if you have a minute, if you want to , think a little happy wish for us.
I'd be ever so grateful for the good thoughts.

Be well!
Be Safe!

Pink Tab

2006-03-09T21:47:00.000-06:00

The new Tab for women scares me.
It's pink.
Not just the can , but the softdrink is pink too
Have you seen the ad?
It's women in way too much make-up, and whorish clothes, wearing scary shoes.
I don't want to drink the new Tab.
One chick in the ad is actually eating a thing that has litttle suction cups on it and looks uncooked!!!!!
Who are these whores drinking this stuff?

I know this marketing isn't aimed at me.

I predict this drink will fail, because cheap women drink tequilla, everyone knows that.

The Hemit Bug

2006-03-04T23:02:00.000-06:00

I have so many things to say.
Do you ever feel like you have too much to say, so you say nothing?

Yep, that's me.

I want to write a cafeteria entry. ( the kitchen I work in is actually quite interesting, and more like a Food Court, than the old school cafe we remember from childhood)
What a mess that place has been, and so hard I have been working lately there.

I want to write about my Katie, and her Birthday. My Baby is 14!
*choke*sob*choke*
She is not your typical teen. Oh, I should write pages about my Katie.

I want to give you a new update on my Hubby, he is no longer in Florida, he is home and looking for work.

I want to talk a bit about Trolls ( though maybe not the kind you think)

I want to talk about politics.
I have some stories that relate to things in the News, and I have some opinions about some stuff.
I have two stories I want to tell about teens and choices. Both relate to the abortion issue, one who had a choice, and one who didn't.

I want to talk about Cancer, and how it is taking so many I love.

I want to talk about some friends that I've negelected.

But, I'm just so tired.
I am so fucking tired.

I am agitated, and my neck hurts, and I've had a headache for 3 weeks. ( I think that's the neck)

I can't eat, unless I'm eating all the time.
I hate my job and everyday it gets worse, but I can't quit.
I don't sleep well, so all I think about is sleeping.
I need to connect to my family more, so of course I am hiding in games.

The rest of the world is easy to hide from.
My troubles?
I hide by playing games.

I'm around the net sometimes, on boards and blogs.
Most of you reading this don't even know that I've been hermitting lately.
But I am, in my own way.
I've stopped talking talking about me , what is going on here.

My Mom used to really hide when the Hermit Mood caught her.
She'd literally stay in bed for days, and not talk to anyone.
I don't have that luxury, or maybe I can't get that low, or maybe I'm not that selfish.

But I am hiding, in my own small way.

I have too much to say, about too many things, so I'll say nothing.

I'll post something useful here soon.

But lately I can't get introspective, and I have a headache, so writing anything that makes sense is out for me.

But I can say that, I love you all!

I am just being a bit of a hermit lately.

If you are reading this, I wish you Safe, I wish you Well.

For Lights

2006-02-21T22:56:00.000-06:00

It's been two days since Daytona.
We are still not discussing Tony Stewart here.
Live with it!

* Ha Ha Ha Ha*

( I crack myself up!)

Odds and Fuckin' Ends

2006-02-19T18:00:00.000-06:00

Got lots to say, but no one subject.
So I'll try to do a few shorties.

Daytona

Yes, it's the day of the Daytona 500! The Great American Race!
I watched it ( of course) and had a great time, though wasn't very happy with the results ( I may be happier after I check out my Fantasy Race scores , not sure yet)

***
I always think about Dale on Daytona Day.
How could you not?
I miss seeing him him on the track. I miss his face, and his car, and his heart.
For those that don't get it; Losing the Sports biggest star, on it biggest day, is huge.
HUGE!
Imagine your favorite quarterback, dying on the field, in the final play of the Superbowl.
It's almost like that, but worse. It makes for a sad celebration.
It makes the Daytona 500 a celebration and a memorial, every year.

***

The weather sucked! They drove through clouds all day, the camera shots were crappy, it looked cold. In fact it matched the way my backyard looked, except we had temps of 30F and something they called " Freezing Fog". ( Anyone ever hear that one before? Nope, me neither.)
The track lights were on early in the afternoon, and it was nearly wet enough to stop the race all day. Watching racing through fog is not pretty, it doesn't make for a good show.

***

Loved Bon Jovi for the Pre-Race! LOVED IT!

***

J.J. Yelly. Rookie.
For the last 2 days my Hubby has been talking about JJ. In fact we started calling the kid,
"Jelly" for short.
"Are you Jellin'?"
So of course I picked him for my team , because my Hubby made him appealing. What a bust!

***

Tony Stewart.
I don't want to talk about Tony today , so we won't.

***

Jimmie Johnson, winner of the 2006 Daytona 500.
I'd be a lot happier about his win if his crew cheif wasn't caught cheating last week, and suppended from the race. I like Jimmie, but I don't like cheating, and I hated his excuse.
Good for him, but I can't feel really great about it, and that makes me mad.

***

Not the worst Daytona 500 I've ever seen, but not the best either. I'm just glad that Nascar season is back.
Start your engines!

Lympics

I can't watch the Olympics with my husband.
He makes me crazy!
He talks over the part I want to hear, he acts like he knows it all, he won't admit when he is wrong.
Hell , he even makes up stats off the top of his head and gets mad when I question them.
" Do you have a source for that?"

Just becuase I have never skied, doesn't mean I can't see what is going on

" You see that? His skies are close together, like they should be!"

Yes, yes, I can SEE!

What is bad is when he tries to tell me what happened in an event that he didn't watch, an event that I did watch.

But the worst?
The worst is when he tries to "fix" the Olympic Sports. Like they would be better with his suggestions, like the athletes would go faster if they just tried it His way.
Ya, right.

For instance, Skeleton.
Did you know that they should put their arms out in front of them?
Oh yes, they' d go faster that way.
( I spent 2 hours arguing why this would be totally stupid and they'd break their arms, and they wouldn't be able to see where they were going; And how if it was faster, wouldn't they have tried it already? I even offerred to take him out for a drive on the highway, to see if he could keep his arm straight out the window at 70mph.)

Every event is like this!
(Except Ice Dancing, because he can't seem to figure out what a "twizzle" is. )

So I usually wait to see if he will fall asleep early, if not, I pretend I am going to bed early so I can watch the Games in the other room, in peace.

He makes me crazy!

The Boyfriend

Katie has a Boyfriend.
He's been over for the day a couple times. He's a nice boy.
They have been crushing on each other and all giggly since 6th grade. They have gone to different schools the last two years, and mostly met up at School Dances, or talked on the phone some. He goes to the School I work at , and I have passed the occasional note or two for them.
They have spent time together lately because of parental assistance. He lives all the way across town, a nearly 30 minute drive from our house. (Not like the old days, when the boy that liked me in 8th grade , would ride his bike a mile up the hill to see me.)

Next year they go to the same school.

They have the same interests, and they are very sweet together.
He is a BOY.
Not one of those 13 yr old hairy, mini- men, with broad shoulders. Nope, "Z" is a boy.
He is polite ( the lunchladies love him) and quite sweet faced.
Even Katie's Daddy likes this boy.
( Who had the good sense to lose 2 games of Chess to Kate's Dad.)

There has been no kissing , yet.
I am not naive, my daughter told me she is hoping he will kiss her soon.

Friday night, he asked her, ( online, since he was almost out of phone minutes) if she would be his "Girlfriend".
Katie said, " Yes!" ( typed " yes")
I am happy for her.
She has never been "boy crazy", but she really likes this Boy.
She is different, My Katie, from other teenaged girls. She knows who she is and what she wants.
She is shy, but with an odd kind of confidence.
I watch her carefully, but I'm not worried about her. Yet.

It's weird , watching your child have their first love.
I'm not looking forward to her first heartbreak, but I guess this is how it starts.

F*F*F* F-ing* F!

Conversations between my Hubby and my Brother are quite colorful.
Not in a creative way, just in a "fuckin' " , as a verbal tic kinda way.
I am not going to claim my own language is without the occasional swear word, but enough already!

Dude, it was fuckin' crazy, fucking amazing fucking crazy.
I know what you fucking mean, I deal with that fucking shit everyday!
No, I mean fucking crazy!
I fucking know!
You have no idea how fucking fucked up this is, it's totally fucked.
Ya, that's fucked up.

Arrrrgh! I want to scream! Can every other word, not be "FUCK" ?
My kid is in the next room, and she can hear you.

So usually they are both pretty good, but as soon as the are together the conversation gets so full of F's , that I can't take it.
Do they talk this way at work?

And I am not quiet about it when it gets bad.

" Can you guys watch the language? Kate can hear you."

" Can you tone down the swearing?"

" Hello! Can we tone down the F word in there?!"

But they don't hear me.
The other night, my brother looked at me and said , " What? I'm not swearing."

Umm yes, yes you were.

It's as if he doesn't even hear it. Every other word is EFF!

I'm not a word prude , but I see no reason for it being used so often.
I even use the word myself, just not in every sentance.
Not every other word.
Not while the kid is sitting there!
Sure, she's heard the word, but can we tone it down a little?
My living room is not a locker room, and they are both bright enough to have other words in their vocabulary.
As soon as they are together it starts.

I'm fucking tired of it!

The House Next Door

2006-02-10T18:35:00.000-06:00

The house nextdoor.
Is empty.

My dear friend and neighbor, Katie H. passed away this week.
She was found Tuesday, on her kitchen floor, face down in a pool of blood, by the neighbor that lives on the other side of her.
He was concerned that her trashcans from Monday were still out, and her newspaper hadn't been picked up Tuesday morning, so he checked on her. God Bless him.
She'd been dizzy, and falling quite often, they don't know what took her exactly, but think it may have been a stroke.

Her Husband of many years, died last year, just a few months before my my Mom did.
She was alone this last year, except for her little dog ( who she referred to as , " such a bad little boy" He was sweet, and tiny.)

Since we'd lived here, she was always there, nextdoor.
She greeted us the day we moved in.
She was never in our business, never nosey, or gossipy; but if something was wrong, she was there .
Like she knew when I needed her.

Her voice was like a hug.
Katie was from Germany, and in her 80's. She sounded exactly like my Nana, and she was lovely.

I got a phone call from her one day, telling me that Steve needed to fix Kate's swing. She loved to sit on her patio and watch my child play in the yard, and she was really bothered that the swing was broken, and my baby wasn't swinging under the trees anymore.
She left treats on our porch Easter morning.

She showed up at my door one Sunday evening in 2001 , tears in her eyes.
See, she'd heard from some kids in the neighborhood, that my husband had died. I hadn't been home in days, and there were strange people coming and going from my house at odd hours. And she hadn't seen my baby Katie in the backyard for days.
My husband was indeed near death, but not gone . He'd had lifesaving brain surgury to repair an anyeresm that had hemoraged. It was a bad time, and she knew it.
Katie sat with me, and held my hand, and said encouraging things, while my Mother-in -Law bathed my child and got her ready for bed. The phone rang, a call from my sister telling me that Dale Earnhardt hadn't survived the crash. It was the first I'd heard that Dale had died, and my husband wasn't there to comfort me. He was in a NICU, and I couldn't even call him.
Katie had watched the race too, and was as stunned as I , at Dale was gone. She came to comfort me over my Husband, and we ended up having a moment together, over the loss of another Hero.

Sometimes we'd sit in the backyard and have a few drinks together. She was totally fun when she was lit! She could drink! She was so fun!

Before her husband Gus died, he saw my Mom in the backyard one day .
They knew my Mom, they'd met all our parents over the years.
She looked so much like me that day, wearing my robe, but bald headed from her radiation treatments. He thought it was me.
Katie called me a few days later, to " check on us " .
Seems they were afraid I was sick, and didn't know what to say. Were worried about me, and my child and my husband. They thought I had Cancer. They thought I was the bald sick woman in my backyard .
She was so sweet, I knew she was sad that my Mom was sick, but yet so glad that it wasn't me. I could hear the relief in her voice.
For days they'd worried about what to say, what to do. They thought I was sick, and it was awful for them. They were so happy I wasn't dying, and so sad for me that my Mom was.

I didn't spend as much time with Katie as I should have, especially this last year.
I'd tell her to call me whenever she needed anything, but she rarely called. Oh sometimes she'd call me to help her re-set clocks, or fix the settings on her TV remote, but she never called just to say she was lonely.
I knew she was.
Losing her Gus was horrible for her, they had no children, and she was so alone. But she liked her privacy too, and didn't want anyone fussing over her. She was a strong woman.
The last time anyone saw her, she told my Brother that his Mom would be so proud of him.
That was the last morning of her life.
She liked Kurt so much.
Every morning they talked over the fence when they took the dogs out.
Every morning she greeted my daughter and visited while Kate waited for her school bus.
Katie loved my Katie.

I can't believe she is gone.
I'll miss her.
Everytime I see her house, I feel it's emptiness.
I think I will always feel that emptiness.
I can't imagine anyone else ever living there.

Goodbye Katie
I am so glad you and Gus are together
I wish you never lonely again
I will miss you
I loved you
I hope you know how important you are in my life
I wish I had told you more often

The house nextdoor to me is empty now.

In My Front Yard

2006-01-13T19:09:00.000-06:00

In the West they call them Brushfires, here they usually call them Grassfires, though lately they call them Wildfires.

There are fires here.
All over the Southwest as a matter of fact, with Texas and Oklahoma having a particularly bad time of it the last couple months.
We're having the worst drought in 50 years. It's hot , it's windy, the air is horribly dry, it's awful. Even when it gets cold , freezing temps in the mornings, it's so so very dry.

In many of the more rural counties in Texas we rely on Volunteer Fire Depts and that makes it all the harder when a season like this happens.

The Texas State Forestry Service has set up a command center in Hood County ( I am sure they are doing this in other areas as well) , it's beside our little municipal airport, behind the school I work at. They fly spotter planes throughout the day, over the surrounding areas west of the D/FW Metroplex. They have planes and helicopters and bulldozers and buses and watertrucks and firetrucks, and hackysacks (we sometimes watch them playing hackysack in the field, while they await a call to action) .

Over the last couple weeks, we've watched them put up tents and fill a huge field with personnel and equipment.
I feel safer knowing they are there, and looking for the fires, prepared to find them and put them out quickly.
Today there was smoke out on the horizon all day , north of us. I told my coworkers that the smoke is deceiving, that the fire could be hundreds of miles away. I was right, the smoke we saw north of us was all the way in Oklahoma. But there were also fires east and west of us, much closer. The command center was all but empty today, they were out working.
There was no hackysack playing in the field today.

I grew up in Southern California, brushfire country.
A place where they have an actual fire Season.
And we always seemed to live in the hills back then.
The smell of brush burning and seeing smoke on the horizon is familier to me ; as familier as tornado warnings are to those in the midwest. In Fire Season my mother used to set an extra pair of shoes near the front door for all of us, in case we ever had to evacuate quickly, we'd have shoes. ( She also kept the family photo albums in the front hall for easy access)

All that stuff up there?
Just background for the story I really want to tell. I want to tell you all a story from my childhood, a story that the Firefighter Camp behind my work reminded of.

Once upon a time, when everyone lived in California, and no one lived anywhere else, I was blessed to live in a place called Granada Hills. ( My future husband lived there too, but I didn't know him at the time).
We lived in a part of GH that was referred to as " North of Rinaldi" , which basically meant that it was in the hills with a bit more open spaces and fields . More brush, in other words, more trees, more in danger from the winds that whipped the flames down the hilly passes.

We lived just off the corner, second house from where the fire department always seemed to set up their command center when there was a big fire in our area.
There were lots of them , every fire season.
This was also back in the day of wood shingle roofs, and houses went up like dry tinder when the winds blew sparks from miles away.
There were lots of eucalyptus trees in our hills, and you may not know that eucalyptus trees tend to explode when they burn, spreading the fire even farther. The winds blow through the passes in the hills, and the big fires create a wind of their own.
They call it a Firestorm.
It's an apt description.

When the fires came , all the neighborhood Daddy's could be seen standing on the roofs with their garden hoses, watering the shingles, protecting their homes as best they could.

Because we were so close to the corner and so near the hills, there were lots of firefighters near our home, and they get tired.
We had a large and lush front lawn , soft green grass carefully tended by my parents , the perfect spot to take a restful sit, or even to sleep on.
My Mom and Dad would always offer our yard to the Firefighters to rest in.

I can remember my folks staying up all night, my Dad watering the roof and my Mom making coffee to bring to the fireman. I remember waking up to the smell of burning brush , ashes literally falling from the sky , with firemen sleeping on our front lawn.
And because they were sleeping on our lawn, and because my Mother brought them lemonade, and water, and endless pots of coffee , we always knew when the wind shifted our way.
We were always told early if an evacuation order was coming. My Mom would call the neighbors and they would prepare their most valuable, most irreplacible belongings to put in their cars.
Many a time I remember being told to take my shoes and my siblings , and go sit in the car.
I don't remember ever actually having to evacuate, but I remember lots of times we prepared to.
I can still see my Daddy standing on the roof, watering the shingles.

That firefighter command center in my county? The one in the field behind my school?
It makes me feel safe.
It makes me feel like the firefighters are sleeping in my front yard.
Everytime I see a spotter plane take off, I know that they are there , watching over North Texas, doing their best to protect us from the flames, protect us from the weather.

I feel like I should be bringing them coffee.

Hubby Stories

2005-12-31T23:43:00.000-06:00

Well the Hubby is HOME!
He has been home since the Thursday before Xmas.
It's the longest he has been home since the end of March.
I have been so looking forward to this time , things were rough when he left, and having him home for only 3 days out of the month, has never felt like a normal life.
I got stories!

The Bathtub incident

So the Hubby wants to soak in the tub.
We got a great bathtub. It's big, it's deep , it has whirlpool jets. It's like the best bathtub ever! It's like a jacuzzi in the house.
He's been in it before , it is big enough for two, but never has he been in the tub by himself.
So I draw him a bath in the great tub, ( I add mineral salts and some nice smelly spa bath stuff)
He doesn't know how to work the whirlpool since he never has. I come in to check on him , and he is having an enjoyable soak.
I turn on the jets, and I turn them up. He loves it.
I leave to get a drink , lock the door , and then to join him.
He doesn't know I plan to join him , and maybe that was my mistake.
When I come back a few minutes later, he is out of the tub, but the jets are still on!!!
The entire bathroom is flooding.

Imagine this; You enter a bathroon and see water spraying everywhere! I mean everywhere!
There is my Husband, outside the tub, trying frantically to figure out how to turn it off.
He's naked, trying to block the water spray, while at the same time trying to turn it off.

And the jets are spraying everywhere!!
There is water all the way on the other side of the room, it's pooling on the baseboards!
I have suddenlly lost my sexy mood.
I go straight into wife mode, grabbing towels trying to save carpet, screeching about the flooded room.
He is standing there naked asking , " How the Fuck, do you turn this thing off!?!"

I should have laughed.

It was fucking funny as hell.
Why didn't I laugh?
Oh , I laughed later, but not when I should have.
I should have laughed right then and there, so he would know that it wasn't a big deal, so he wouldn't have lost his good bath feeling.
We fixed it, the flood and the mood, later.
But I shouldn't have freaked out over some wet carpet, because it was really funny.
Hubby bending naked over the tub, trying to block the spray while at the same time trying to turn off the tub jets.
It was classic.

The Best CD

I bought Hubby a CD for Christmas.
This is pretty much ordinary, but usually I know which one he wants. I confidently buy him the CD he's requested, or the newest from one of his favorites.
This year I was lost, and the WalMart doesn't have the greatest selction.
So I was brousing around, and there it was. Robin Trower.
At the time I didn't know why I thought he would like it, but I bought it, it sounded familier.
The next day the anxiety kicked in.
I had no idea who Robin Trower was, what made me think that Hubby would like it?
I called friends who had heard of Robin Trower, but they couldn't name any of his songs.
And was Robin a guy or a band?
Fuck! I didn't know!
I got online, but the yahoo player refused to play the only video in their library.
I talked to an online friend, she did a search, and told me, " He's a blues/rock guitarist."
( Thanks Momma!)
So I wrapped it up with the tags still on it, and I kept the receipt.

Christmas morning, Steve opens the package with the Robin Trower CD in it, I was so nervous, I wanted it to be perfect, I just knew it was wrong. I can't remember being that anxious about a gift ever.

He loved it!

Not only was he happy over it, but he told me that it was the best gift ever!
It went imediately into the stereo, and he smiled at me the whole time it played.
I don't why I knew, I had no idea he'd had it on vinyl , back in the day.

It was the best gift.
Not just for him, but for me too.

Bed Space

My Husband comes home about 3 days every three weeks.
I don't sleep in the middle of the bed when he's gone, I sleep on my side, ( the side nearest the bathroom) always. The only difference with him gone, is that the covers tend to slide over to my side.
He'd tell you that I have always been a cover stealer, I would debate that point.
So the first night he is home, I never sleep well. He sleeps on me.
I know he misses me, and I like to cuddle, to a point.
But the first night he is home he almost always sleeps with his arm across me and his leg wrapped over mine.
I am pinned down by Love!
Damn, his arms are heavy!
I like the cuddle til it is time to sleep, then get the hell offa me!
I can't sleep with someone hugging me.
Even my child. I can't sleep with another human on me.

And he won't know til he reads this that I didn't sleep well the first night he was home.
But I knew he needed to hold me all night, I knew he needed to feel me, to know he was really Home.
I am Home to him , and him to me.
So hold me Baby, hold me all night.
Home is in your arms.

New Year

While I was writing this, 2005 turned into 2006.
May the New Year bring peaceful and wonderful days to all who read this.

Tidings of comfort and joy!

Happy 2006!

The Bug Soup? Not so Funny

2005-12-10T10:00:00.000-06:00

What topics would you, the loyal reader, like to see addressed here at Bug Soup?

Because it's been a bit of a downer lately ( that whole thing about my teeth? Totally depressing)
I need ideas.

Help me, help you.

Siblings

2005-12-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I worry about my daughter being an only child, other times, I think I did her a favor.

My Brother is starting a new job today. Now get don't all excited , he started a new job last week too. And when I got home at 2:30 he was sitting on the sofa because he'd quit.
I 'm waiting to see if this one sticks before getting too happy about. I'm a positive sort, but am tired of dissapointment.

Got an email from my Sister yesterday. She wants to know where Mom's ashes are.
"It's been a year"
Yes, I am well aware that it's been a year, afterall I am the one who found Mom on the floor , I am the one who gave her morphene and breathing treatments, so I think I'd know what fucking day it is. *sigh*
What I really said to my sister was that it could take up to 18 months, and no, I hadn't heard anything but would let her know.
Mom donated her body to a medical school, they will return the ashes when they are done with her remains. After the are done using what was left behind to teach future doctors how to treat the living bodies, after they use her disesed cells to try to cure what took her away.

While my sister was getting flowers I was schedualing to have the hospital bed and the oxygen machine picked up. Though I shouldn't be pissed, I know I shouldn't, the email just seemed so thoughtless. I know my siblings lost their Mom, what my sister doesn't seem to realize is that I lost mine too.

Odds and Ends and Stuff

2005-12-04T22:27:00.000-06:00

The Gap

So when I was young I had a gap between my front teeth.
( Ha! You thought this was gonna be about that store. Wrong.)
Anyway, I had these gaps between my teeth because they were wrong. I had no eye teeth, (the ones on the the other side of the fronts, before the canines.)
They weren't there. They did x-rays, there were no roots for them. No eye teeth at all. Plus, my top fronts were like upsidedown looking. They were narrower at the bottom, instead of the top. But my teeth were ( are ) straight.
A dentist my Mom knew told her that braces could be used to pull the teeth together and get rid of the gaps, but then if the eye teeth suddenly showed up years later it would all be screwed up, so I didn't get braces when we had the money for them.
So I made my own braces.
I had this friend who wore one of those headgear things on her braces at night ( she has a beautiful smile now, btw) and she had all these tiny little rubber bands to hold it together. I got the idea that I could use those rubber bands to pull my teeth together. So she gave me some bands and at night I'd put one around my front four teeth to pull them together. I did not tell my mother about this till years later.
It kinda worked.
The gaps got smaller, and I could smile without having to push my tongue up against the back of my front teeth anymore.
Flashforward to when I was 20 and I had great dental insurance.
I went for a check-up and cleaning. The Dentist asked me how I liked my smile. I said it was okay, except for the missing eye teeth thing. He asked who my orthadontist was. I confessed about the rubber bands and he laughed and said I'd done a pretty good job. He said he could use bonding to reshape my teeth and make my canines look like eye teeth, and make my front teeth wider at the bottom.
It was purely cosmetic, but my insurance covered all of it!
So I got the bonding that was suppossed to last 5 to 10 yrs, my smile was fixed!

20 years later the bonding is still in place, but my teeth have begun separating again.
I have a gap between my front teeth. It is spreading.
I hate it!
Ya ya, it's cute, Madonna has one, whatever.

Do you think I should try the rubber band thing again?

The Zit

I have a zit on my chin.
It is no ordinary zit, it has been there ( in various zit stages) since August 12th.
Yes, I do know the exact date because it was there the day I started work for the new school year.
It's one of those deep zits, the kind that hurts days before it makes an actual appearance, the kind that lasts weeks before it heals. Except this fucker starts to heal up and then comes back bigger. I have squeezed it, I have left it alone, I have put all types of medicine on it. I even tried toothpaste.
It's just there.
I attempt to cover it with make-up each day, but even my patience has limits.
4 months is just too long for a zit.
I am thinking of naming it, and maybe teaching it tricks, because it's almost like a pet now.

Cold Ass

I'm fricken cold!
It's 36 right now!
I know my Rocky Mountain friend is gonna laugh at me, and my Canadian friends are gonna bust a gut. Hell, even True is gonna giggle some.
But I don't know how ya'll take a shower once the temp drops.
I hate taking my clothes off when it's cold, and getting wet is just out of the question.
I swear that if my hair didn't start looking dirty after 2 days, I wouldn't shower all winter.
I would wash my pits and ass with a warm washcloth , and that would be it! ( what my Mom used to call a whore bath, LOL!)
But I grit my teeth and take a shower, and no matter how hot the water, I never feel warm enough, because I know I have to get out of the shower again. I'll be wet and naked! I fucking hate that!
You know, once your butt gets cold, you don't feel warm again til spring.
I call it the Cold Ass.
I used to sit on the front porch bricks waiting for the school bus with Kate every morning.
No matter what I did I couldn't get that cold offa my butt. Once your butt is cold there is no warmth.
I have been a miser with the thermostat this year. You would think that 68 is warm enough in the house, but I'm cold.
Texas is weird; yesterday it was in the 80's , today the high was upper 40's.
If it was really cold here all winter, I would DIE!

Fruitcake

I was going to tell my Fruitcake story on Coco's thread at the other place. It was the perfect spot, and I don't think I've ever told it before in print. ( Beautiful tale of magic fruitcake, and new beginnings, a lovely true Christmas story)
But the darned place wouldn't load good for me, so slow.
I'll try again tomorrow, but if I don't post it there, I'll post it here.

I Am A Man MAGNET!

2005-11-30T21:35:00.000-06:00

Seriously.
Can't help it.
Not even trying to be cute.
Young men have been smiling and flirting with me all over North Texas.
Young men.
( I'm pretty sure I have never served lunch to any of these guys)

Even my Mother in Law noticed it!

We had a great time at the in-laws place, by the way.
( maybe more on that later, it was fun, like a vacation! )

So, the cute boys story..,
At one point at Dave And Busters ( a resturant/ game place, kinda like a Chuckie Cheese for grown-ups) a young ( 20's!) guy was next to me at the trivia game , was very friendly, laughing and joking with me. Later, the young men at the sporting goods store, where we took Kate to climb the big wall , were joking with me.
So flash forward to Friday night as we left the resturant and I accidentally tried to put my sweater on inside out ( total dork move) and some really cute young guys waiting outside stopped me from making a huge fashion faux pas.
I thanked them, made a joke they laughed at, they joked back, and then Dad walked out and asked what was funny.
I said, " Oh nothing, just young men flirting with me!"
And that was when Diane, ( the step MIL) said, " You know that has been happening all day!"
And I realised , she was right.
She and I laughed about it.
I said, " Must be my make-up!"

But really, I'm not hot enough for young men to be friendly with me, unless they are just being friendly. ( Do cute young men just be friendly for no reason?)
Oh sure, I look pretty good for my age. I look younger than my age, actually.
But I am about 40 pounds over, middle aged cute.
I 'm the gal who would be hot, if she didn't have 2 chins.
I'm not fat, exactly, I'm just way over my " hot" weight.

So I'm not sure what these goodlooking young ( did I mention they were YOUNG) men were thinking.
Maybe I seem approachable. Maybe I still have the smell of french fry serving Lunch Lady on me. ( Guys love food )

Then today, I am at the local WalMart, and this really cute ( reeeeeeaaallly cute) about 25 year old guy , smiles at me and says, " Hi!"
And he gives me "the eye" .
You know the one, like the sexy eye.
OMG!
I fear I may be emiting some high potency pheremones.
I can't explain it!
I don't even dress good.
Today I was wearing the Ugly Uniform. ( which is , in FACT, the worlds ugliest work uniform)
It's not as if I smell of sex or anything, I'm not even good at sex when I get it.

But for some reason, young men like me. They smile at me, they talk to me.
I don't get it.

It's a mystery.
I'm not going to do anything about it, but I'm not going to complain either.

Holiday Shopping - Part One - The Grocery Store

2005-11-22T18:49:00.000-06:00

Angel Of the Aisle

I was at the Grocery today, at 4:30 , two days before Thanksgiving.

Yes!
It was a madhouse!

We are going to Steve's folks Thursday, and I am bringing a pie and a sweet potato dish,
so I needed a few things, but didn't need to do the whole shopping.
Figured I could bop in quickly and get back out. *LAUGH*

It wasn't too bad actually, though it was really crowded.

So there I am in the baking aisle, with about half the folks who live in my town.
It is cart gridlock, and though folks are trying to be nice, we are all trying to dance around each other for what we need, and it's hard.

Redhead Lady accidentially taps my heel with her basket when I stop short ( no brakelights on my butt) for an old guy who bent over right in the path of my cart. Luckily it barely tapped me and didn't hurt. She looked horrified, and apolagized like crazy, I smiled told her it was fine, didn't hurt me, and it was crowded , so no problem.
Redhead Lady told me that she'd just come from WalMart, and that it was worse over there, "And they're out of everything.!"
"It's that Season." I said with a smile.

And ya know, I was feeling really good. Not at all stressed, the crowded ailse wasn't bothering me, so I just kept smiling. Some of those poor folks looked like they had been shopping all day, but me? I felt fine.

So I'm trying to find what I need, and CuteLady in Scrubs says to me.
"Do you have any idea where the seasoned bread crumbs are? I've been looking all over."
"I'd think they'd be on this ailse somewhere"
And there they were, right behind her head.
She thanked me like I'd really helped her, saying she was so tired she was lost.
I smile again ( still) and tell her, " You're Welcome."

Then a woman in her 50's who looks just like June Cleaver says to me. " Since you're so helpful, maybe you could help me find the Martha White mexican style cornbread, I've been looking all over for it."
Well sure I could! In fact if I hadn't been standing in front of it she may have seen it.
I turned around, looked at the shelf, picked up what she needed and handed it to her.

That was the moment June declared me the "Angel of the Aisle!"
Cute Scrub Lady, and Redhead Lady both started laughing, I started laughing.
I said, " Hey, maybe I should just stay here for awhile and be helpful!"
They all agreed that was an excellant idea.
They moved on the other ailses with smiles all around. I finished grabbing my spices and finished up in the store.

As I was leaving, June Cleaver, who was in the next check out over, wished me a Happy Thanksgiving with a warm smile.

One other small thing.
In the parking lot as I was putting my stuff in the trunk there was an old guy next to me putting his stuff in the back of a pick-up. He looked kinda grumpy, so I didn't say anything to him. Then just as I was finishing up and closing my trunk, he came over and took my basket, smiled and said,
" Let me put this up for you."
He took my cart back to the corral for me!
I said " Thank You!" with a big smile, and waved at him as we left the parking lot.

In closing, 3 things.

It's the season!

Don't you wish you lived in my town!?

Happy Thanks giving!

I Made it Through the Week!

2005-11-19T23:55:00.000-06:00

Jesus Girl tried to kill me ( and everyone else, though I was the only one who ended up in the ER)

I saw a friend I'd never met, make a special vow ( oh so beautiful!).
Sharing her joy, even over the net, even from so far, made me feel warm and close to her.
Made me feel warm and close with the others that shared her joy.
Seeing her take her vows, made me think of my own.
There is nothing more powerful than Love.
I am so thankful, that Gloria and Shawn chose to share their moment with us.
Love lifts us up! May their life together be full of Love and comfortable times.

I learned that I have powers. I can guide people. With good thoughts, a hug, and a few well chosen words, I can make some folks do right, act right, avoid conflict. There is magic in listening.

Did I mention that Jesus girl tried to kill me?
Did I mention that she is dumb as a post?

I learned that memory is a powerful thing.
That shared memories are even more powerful.
My childhood friend, watched her daughter turn 16 tonight. I am so glad we talked tonight, we share that magic time, she and I.
That magic time between girl and woman. We knew each other before we knew who we really were, when we were becoming the women we are.

My True , made me beautiful today!
It's not about the make-up, it's that she makes me care about how I look.
It's that she makes me excited again about being pretty. She reminds me that pretty never gets old.

My brother is fun to hang out with. I know I have bitched about him living with me , ( mostly about his dogs being here) but he is just about all right .
I love him so. I enjoy spending time with him.
He knows me like no one else does, we share a childhood.
He knows me, he knows why I am how I am.
Funny, my sister thinks we had the worst childhood ever, my brother thinks we had the best.
I know that we had really good times, and really bad times. We didn't have an easy time, ever.
But we had love.
I am Thankful for Kurt.
If it wasn't for that smelly nasty pack of beasts, I'd keep him forever in my guest room.
He is good to my kid, he is good to me, he gets along great with my husband, he is the perfect brother.
The perfect friend.

The anniversary of my Mom's passing is coming up. Last year on Thanksgiving, she was in the hospital , a week later she was home, by Dec 5th she was gone.

December has always been weird.
The 3rd is my brothers birthday, the 5th is my step mother in laws birthday, the 7th is my Aunts birthday and my wedding anniversary ( and the day my older half- sister died in 2003) .
The 11th is my sisters birthday, the 14th is my mom's birthday, the 16th is my husbands birthday, the 26th is Hubby's grandpa's birthday.
We have tons of other cousins and friends with December days.
I hate December now.
I don't want to, but I do.

Wake me up, when December ends...

But I lived through this week.
I had good times this week.
I laughed and I loved, and I got a chest x-ray!
I remebered what it was like to make vows. I remembered what it was like to be young.
I remembered that , I love so many people in my life, those I've hugged, and those I've yet to hug.
So many people make my heart warm, make my life special, make it all interesting.

I made it through the week, smiling by the end of it.

If I take a dive, in December?
Don't worry, I'll be back.

Monday - Arrrrrrrgh!

2005-11-14T08:30:00.000-06:00

I really REALLY , don't want to go to work today.

My procrastination has caught up with me.
I have no clean panties. My daughter has like 50 or 60 pairs of panties, I have none.
I don't even have any bad elastic granny panties left. I could have sworn I put a bunch of panties in the wash wth my work clothes, but no.
I have to go to work in a thong, I'm not pleased.

I have to chop and slice enough tomatoes for the week when I get to work. 150 salads a day, figure it out. I have to slice a whole flipping case of tomatoes. I hate Monday sometimes.

I got in a bit of a verbal altercation with Jesus girl last week , don't have time to explain, but she was all praising the Lord over the anti- gay marriage vote last week. I called her a bigot ( may have compared her to the Klan) .
She spent most of the day weds and thurs, singing.
" Hallilulah thank you Jesus, praise the lord praise the Lord"
ALL DAY!
She hi-jacked the cd player on thursday, and played praise music, everytime someone turned it off, she stomped over and put her cd back in .
I've about had enough.

So that is what I have to look forward to today, tomatoes and Jesus, with a thong up my ass.
I'll be praying that I don't lose my mind and throw one of those tomatoes at her head.

Have a Happy!

All About Earl

2005-11-12T22:21:00.000-06:00

So has everyone seen Earl?
The new NBC show, " My Name is Earl"?

I love Earl.
It's goodhearted, it's funny, it's refreshing.

But the real reason that I love Earl?
It reminds me, that our actions infuence others.

For those that haven't seen it, it's not like any sitcom I've ever seen before. It has no laugh track, it is filmed like a mini-movie. The main character, ( that would be Earl) learns about Karma. He decides that he hasn't been a good person, and that's why bad things happen to him.
So he makes a list of all the bad things he's done in his life, and his goal is to make up for all those things. Each week , Earl tries to fix something he's done wrong off of the list.
It's funny, and it's kind, and in fixing his "wrongs" he does great things for others, in simple ways.

The show makes me laugh, and it makes me think of how I can make my life better, of how *I* could be better. It reminds me.
Because our actions , have ripples.
Like a stone in a pond, everything we do makes tiny waves in the lives of others.
I want to make good ripples.

Now my friend Sasha , she would tell me that "good deeds" are their own reward. It's not about what you get back from being good, because being good is just how you are suppossed to be.
I 'd agree with that.

I was taught, that if you are good, and kind, that good things come back to you.
That goodness begets good fortune. Karma.
But really, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't matter if something is coming back or not. Goodness is it's own reward.

I like Earl, he reminds me that good or bad, our words, our actions, have ripples.

Friday!

2005-11-11T16:19:00.000-06:00

So I didn't have to work today. YAY!
I don't know why they don't just call it Veterans Day, but they don't. Same with Columbus Day , and MLK Day. We get them off, the kids get them off, but the Teachers have what they call an "inservice day", so they work sorta. We get a "student holiday" . It's dumb, call it what it is.

So since I didn't have to work today, and my Kiddo spent the night with another new friend ( nice girl). I figured I would watch Survivor then hang out in a chat room or on IM and visit some cyber buddies and maybe drink some beer. Stay up late, drinking, that was the plan.

I hate darktime. Since the clocks turned back I am sleepy at darktime.
So like , it's dark at six now, so I can barely keep my eyes open past 7:30. I had one beer, and then went right to bed as soon as Survivor was over.
The early dark spoiled my party plans.

Got frozen dinners, got ice cream, got popcorn, rented movies!
It's Friday Family Fun night at the Bug house.
Hopefully I don't fall asleep at 6.

***************

Today's Cup of Tea- ( For Bob)

Today's tea was Celestial Seasonings - Teahouse Chai - Chocolate Caramel Enchantment.
Yummy, I recommend it. It has caffiene.

The "New" Car

2005-11-05T22:32:00.000-06:00

Her name is Lula
She is a green car
She is fast and she runs for Buggy,
Who could
ask
for
more?

Things are bright in my world tonight.
Hope you all, are safe and well.

Odds and Ends

2005-11-02T18:36:00.000-06:00

I have been driving the truck ( there is a Dale Jarrett joke in there somewhere) to work since Monday.
I'm not comfortable in it.
I mean, it's a work pick-up, the thing doesn't even have automatic windows!
It is pretty new and shiney, the gals at work think it's a good truck. I guess I'm not really a truck kinda girl. But it's Texas, so I guess I can pull it off.
I'm handling the shift okay, haven't stalled out at all, so that's good. I'm just not comfortable with it yet, and I still have to think to drive it.
Clutch, brake, clutch downshift , arrrrgh!

**********

I found an old friend, she is my new friend.
Found my friend Susan, and I'm really glad I did.
We'd exchanged emails a few times over the years, and the occasional Xmas card, but last weekend was the first time we'd talked in probably 20 years ( OMG! I can't believe how old I am!)
Anyway we talked for a couple hours, and again today for a couple more.
We first met when we were in 8th grade, and for a couple years were inseparable. We fell in and out with each other in High School, and eventually weren 't as close as we got older.
I'm so glad to get to know the woman she is now, she's alot like the girl I loved back them.
Strange to think that she was my bestfriend when I was my daughters age. Strange to think how different our lives are from what we dreamed of when we were little girls.
We have another friend, Sandee, who actually kept in touch with both of us over the years.
You should have seen the 3 of us when we were 16!
Susan the Blond, me the Brunette, and Sandee the Redhead.
We were just about the cutest things EVAH!
I'm glad I found my Susan again, we click.

***********

Work.
Jesus Girl got really freaked out over Halloween.
Seems just being in the same room with someone who was wearing a 3 dollar witch hat may be enough to endanger her soul.
She refused to speak to anyone celebrating the holiday of evil ( Ooooooooooo, those orange pumpkin t-shirts were eveeeeeel!)
She was very pissy all day, slamming down pans, angry about the carved pumpkins I brought in, positively grumbling every time I did my famous cackle laugh. ( I'm proud of the "cackle" it's very Wizard of Oz , dontchaknow)
I'd feel badly about calling her a Jesus Freak, except she was waering a t-shirt that said , " I Am A Jesus Freak" on the front of it, so I guess it's okay.
She left some pamplets next to the candy bowl, some stuff about honoring the "Devil's Day" and how it IS NOT just silly fun, it's honoring Satan.
Whatever.
Didn't stop her from eating one of the cupcakes that one of the heathens brought in ( though I have to say, she did make a point of removing the gummy " eyeball" from it first)

I didn't say anything, but I really wanted to tell her that God knows people's hearts, and that she should have more faith in the good of people. I wanted to tell her that what's really evil isn't dressing in costumes, or carving pumpkins , or Trick or Treats.
Real evil is the horrible things people do to each other everyday.
Real evil is children starving due to anothers greed.
Evil is slavery, and bigotry, and hatred.
Evil is politicians starting a war based on lies, for profit.
I kept my mouth shut, though I smiled when she ate the Devil's cupcake.

***********

My Daughter is writing Fan Fiction on her message board. It's a board for this show she watches. It's a board full of pre-teen girls!
Anyway, I've read a few of the things she's written, and I couldn't be more proud!
She has a gift for dialouge.
The problem is, she types really really slowly, and her gift is cutting into my computer time.
The other thing is that this site has mods and admins that have to check every post before it shows up on the board. So she hits the "post" button and sometimes it's hours or even a day before her stuff shows up on the board. So frustrating for her. It's a really busy board too, so sometimes her part of the story doesn't come up in sync with the part she was responding to.
All messed up, but they do that so the kids don't ever post personnal info, so it's safe.
I got up at 5:40 this morning, and she was already on the computer, " writing" since 5 a.m.
I'm going to have to curb my keyboard addiction, and give her more time.

***********

Hubby is coming home tomorrow night! He'll actually be HOME til Tuesday evening!
We've got to do something about getting a car for me ( and figure out how to dispose of the Dorothy carcass in the garage. ACK! Can't think of her as a car anymore, breaks my heart)
I don't know what we are going to do.
I am pretty sure I'll be getting some snuggling, so that's something good to look forward to.

***********

Be well all!

Smell My Feet

2005-10-29T22:16:00.000-05:00

Trick or Treat!

So we did the Trick or Treat thing tonight.
Why tonight?
Because that is when our neighborhood had it schedualed. See we live in one of those gated communites, and they do the T or T festivities a little differently.

First off, not all houses do the T or T. There are specific streets mapped out for the candy shake down.
It's usually pretty cool, since the streets on the route are blocked from car traffic ( kids can run all over) , and since it's a different set of streets every year people usually do it up big with the decorations. In the five years we've been here, our house was only on the route once, it was a blast!
Most people do the route in golf carts ( which is totally fun, and what we always did when Hubby had a friend who would lend us his cart) , anyone walking could catch a hayride trailer to and from the T or T route.
So this year we got no cart, but the T or T streets are near the clubhouse parking lot, so we decided to just walk it, figuring that if we pooped out we could ride a hay truck back to the parking.
They usually start at 6 for the little kids, 7:00 for the rest, and the T or T festivities run til 9:00. We left the house a little after 7 , not quite full dark, only to find that this year it was suppossed to be over at 8:30.
Huh?

The weather was beautiful! Didn't even need a sweater. I think that may be why so many people were out, and why so many houses were out of candy by 7:30.
My Kid looked great! She was a witch, and though she was a witch last year, we bought a new dress thing, and a broom.

There weren't as many streets on the route as last year, and they were mostly hilly streets.
Luckily I brought beer. ( The Bug ain't no dummy)
So the streets are packed with people, and mostly the houses are dark already. I don't know if folks ran out of candy, or were just being fuddy duddies.
( Hubby has a theory, it involves Scooter, I don't buy it).
We were home by 8:20 , and we walked the whole route!!!

What is wrong, is the people who turn out their porch lights and leave the pumpkins and decorations shining in the yard, and then don't answer their door. That is false advertising, right there.

So dissapointing.
The candy looty booty was a mere 40 pieces ( and 3 pennies from some cheap ass) , the nextdoor neighbor gave Kate about 10 pieces out of that.
We passed more dark houses than lit.
I really feel the worst for the littler kids, because the route was short, ( usually more streets) the houses were dark early, and that was the smallest take ever. We were home in an hour!
Kate looked cute though, so cute.

I like to say things while the kid is Trick or Treating.
I like to say, " Go take candy from strangers!"
Or , " Go shake down that house for sweets!"
I also like to cackle loudly, and make scary " WooooOOOOoooooo" noises.
My child is never amused, but she expects me to act like an idiot. It's my job, and I'm damned good at it. I even wore a big orange t-shirt with a pumpkin face on the front.
The better to embarress you with, my pretty!

So The Trick or Treat portion of the Holiday is over, and I still have four pumpkins to carve ( we've already roasted and eaten the seeds out of two of them, I love pumpkin seeds.)
I guess I'll have to buy some sale candy on Tuesday, because I feel so guilty for eating this FunSize of peanut M& M's when the Kid only got 40 pieces .

Oh, and she called her Daddy to bitch about the injustice of it all. HA!

****************

On a side note; I drove Smokey the truck today!
I pushed the clutch and got it up into 4 th gear. I even got into the driveway and parked without hitting anything!
I'll practice again tomorrow, because come Monday? I have to have a way to work.
Mommy loves you , Smokey!
OMG! I am driving a big ole Ford Pick-up! Stick! What is scarier than that?
Get off the road, I'm driving!!!!!

Happy Hauntings Ya'll!

Dorothy

2005-10-27T22:32:00.000-05:00

We named the car " Dorothy" because she was emerald green.
I love that car.
I LOVE THAT FUCKING CAR!

She was old when we got her 7 years ago, though she looked pretty and had low miles.
She always took care of us, got us safely to our destination, she got really good gas mileage.
She was a part of the family, she represented my freedom.
I trusted Dorothy.
That is saying alot from a former car phobic.
I was so phobic that at one time I didn't drive for almost 6 years. Just thinkng about being in a car gave me panic attacks.
I literally, couldn't drive.

At one point I couldn't leave the house, at all. I would open the door, and look down the walk and decide if the mailbox was " too far" that day. ( It was all of 25 feet from my frontdoor)
On the days that the mailbox was too far, I'd close the blinds and hermit, waiting for the Baby to come home from school, she would get the mail for me.

Dorothy wasn't the car I learned to drive in, nor was she the car I learned to drive again in.
She was the car that I learned to trust myself in.
She gave me my freedom. I got my confidence back while driving Dorothy.
I could drive highways in that car.
I drove 50 miles to the hospital in that car everyday for 2 weeks after my husband had his brain surgery. I trusted she would get me there, I trusted myself when driving her.
I drove my Mom to and from, a years worth of medical tests and Doctor appointments, and radiation and chemo, in that car.
I drove her in the pouring rain, in the dark, and she never broke down on me, she never failed me.
The few times she needed repairs she always broke down at home, she never left me stranded.

Her trunk was is big, I could load whatever I wanted in there, with room to spare!
So pretty that car.
She got great mileage ( did I say that already?) and she ran perfectly , rarely needing any major repairs, a battery here, new tires there, maybe a new hose, nothing major.
She never needed work when we were out of money.

I Love that car!

She died today.
She broke so bad that her repairs would cost 5 times what she's worth.
I've got her insured for 1500, could probably have sold her for 1000, and it'd cost 5000 to repair her.
I know, it's just a car.
Why does it feel like I lost a family member?
Like I lost a beloved pet, who I felt safe with?
It's just a car, right?

So tonight, Katie says to me, " We shouldn't have named her"
I said , " Why not?"
" Because she wasn't a person or a pet, she was a car. We shouldn't have named her."
I told her that I thought the car ran so well for so long because we named her, because we loved her.
I think another loss is hard for Katie.

My car died today.
My Dorothy died today.
I didn't want a new car, I didn't want another car, I wanted MY CAR, to run forever.
I don't know if I can trust another car.

They say I can drive her back home, but no farther.
She's broken, she's dead, beyond repair.

Thank you Dorothy,
I may not have washed you enough. I may have driven you on empty, but you always took me where I was going, and brought me home again safely.
I will miss you.
You were the best car I have ever had.

I Have a List

2005-10-22T00:36:00.000-05:00

And I am writing names on it right NOW!

People that are currently ON MY LIST!

1. People who don't tell me that there is no toitie paper in the potty room til it's all gone and I have to find out about it myself. ( drip dry is never classy or cute)

2. People who know the lunch line rules and try to blatantly break the sacred lunch line rules, right in front of me. ( I am talking to you Brandon W. , and you know I didn't make those rules, and you know, that I know those are stupid rules, so stop trying to break the rules while telling me that they are dumb rules. I KNOW! Get outta my line!)

3. People who sneak up behind me and yell over the wall , when I am trying to sneak a cig behind the dumpster at work.
Yes, it was funny.
ONCE.
I am a role model for the children. I am a bad role model. They should look at me smoking a cig in an ugly uniform behind a dumpster , and decide that staying in School and going to College is a really good idea. I am the perfect example of what happens when you drop out of school. So stop trying to scare the pee outta me already.

4. People who tell me about their intimate medical problems in the first 5 minutes that I meet them. ( no further comment)

5. Fat hamsters named Zippy. Stop trying to chew through the bars of your cage already. I'd let you out if you'd stop biting me. Escaping won't get you a piece of banana. We have no bananas.
(We don't even have toitie paper. )

6. ( deleted because it was just too mean)

7. People who come home once a month and throw their dirty undies and socks on the floor! You may be a good snuggler, but that doesn't excuse your laundry violations.

8. People who do not find me incredibly cute and witty. ( you know who you are)

Who is on your list?

(I thought about posting this at the other place. I think I still might, but I didn't want it to start a deep thing. The mood has to be light.)

Head Voices

2005-10-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

I don't want to talk about what that woman did to her children.
Too upsetting, too horrific to even imagine, so I'm not going there.

I want to talk about why everytime someone claims they hear voices in their head, it's because they did something awful.

Don't crazy people ever do good things because of voices, silly things?

I mean, like how come the voices never tell them to wash all their neighbors cars at 2 a.m.?
Why aren't there head voices that say , "plant flowers in the park" or " Take sacks of potatoes to soup kitchens " or maybe " Take old magazines to Hospitals" ?

No.
The fucking head voices always tell people to do bad, ugly, unimaginable things.

Just once I'd like to hear about a woman who says, " I dragged all the furniture out on the front lawn and painted the bathroom orange, because the voices in my head told me to."
Or some guy who says, " I had to blow bubbles at everyone wearing yellow, the voices said to,"

Unfortunately people only listen to the bad voices, they never do what the silly voices tell them to do.

* This post is in no way meant to disparage the mentally ill*

Some Stuff

2005-10-21T08:30:00.000-05:00

1. Any morning that starts with a toilet plunger is not a good day.

2. I had a dream about a volcano erupting. It was very loud and scary, and then it actually started to spew. What came out?
Gumballs!
Orange and red and yellow gumballs, and it looked like a paper mache' science fair volcano.
Don't ask me what this means.

3. Today is Friday so I don't have to wear the ugly uniform. Good thing, since the ugly nylon uniform pants gives me the butt sweat.

4. My daughter is having a friend over today. It's a new friend who rides the bus with her in the morning. I haven't met this girl yet.
So yesterday I say to my child, " Is she a Weirdo too?"
And Katie answers. " I don't know, but she likes dragons, so probably."

Happy Friday Ya'll!

The Grass is Greener...

2005-10-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

Nextdoor!

Yes, the grass IS greener!

The nice widow lady nextdoor must be getting mad at me, because my deadish grass is starting to invade her yard.
But the grass is greener for those who didn't fire the gardner 2 years ago.
And the timer for her sprinklers must be set correctly, because it hasn't rained enough in awhile, and with Hubby gone no one can figure out how to set the magic sprinkler thing.

As long as I still have to run the AC ( it's still over 90 degrees here folks, and a cold front lowers the temps into the 80's for about 3 days ) , I've found that a really good way to save money is to let the lawn nearly die.
So the grass is definately greener on the other side of the fence!
(and it's neatly mowed and edged, and the hedges are trimmed too! Arrgh!)

****************

Why didn't anyone tell me that giving blood HURTS!????
It freakin' hurts!
It's painful and shit like that!
I'm still glad I did it.
Yesterday I gave blood for the first time.

Years ago ( many many years ago) the company I worked for had Blood Drives.
Back then , I was always underweight to donate blood. ( See? I told you it was a long time ago) .
Anyway , since then, I just haven't been faced with the oppurtunity in an easy ( ie: right in your face) way.
It never occured to me that giving blood was an simple way for me to help other folks in need.
Is that selfish or stupid? I'm not sure.
I mean, I know people need blood, I know people donate blood, I know people need blood donations. I guess I just never associated myself with giving blood. ( okay, so stupid and selfish)

But yesterday I got the chance.
There was a memo sent through the school email, about donations. There was a blood donation center set up close by, and we were being asked to give in the name of someone we know.
See , there is this person who is very close to me, who has a loved one who is seriously ill.

Like seriously needs a liver transplant, ill.
Like seriously could die, and he has no insurance, ill.
He is going to need blood and blood type products no matter what.
It turns out that if you donate in someone's name , they can get free or reduced blood services and products.
So he he won't get MY blood, but he won't have to pay for the blood he needs.
It became personnal , the blood thing.
Finally , I could give more than a mere *hug* to his wife; I could give her husband some blood.
I love her, so much.

They couldn't get an easy vein on me.
They fucked up the first try, and it hurt like heck for a few seconds. They asked if I wanted to try the second arm, of course I did!
That hurt too, but they got a vein that time.
It didn't take long, and my friend was there to cheer me on, and hold my hand.
She was ( I heard later) there for hours and thanked everyone who donated in her husband's name.

The Blood Center gave out t-shirts.
They gave me two! (Because I got poked twice LOL!)
I have 2 major bruises, and my arms still hurt a bit.
I was pretty tired yesterday.
But I don't hurt as bad as someone who is sick, and I'm not as tired as someone with an illness.
I'll do it again.
I'd do it without a t-shirt.
*smile*

I won't do it next week, but I'll donate blood again.
I will gladly donate blood again.
I am thankful that I have blood to give.
I am thankful I don't need blood.
I'd much rather be giving , than need receiving.

**************

There was this kid in my lunch line yesterday, he smelt like poop.
Not like body odor, not like he was wearing dirty clothes, like POOPY diapers were stuffed in his clothes!
He smelled poopy!
It was bad.
It was strong bad smell!
I smiled, and told him to have a good lunch.
Do they pay me enough for that?
No!
Hell, I'd rather give blood!

*****************

So the grass is greener.
My neighbors yard looks fabulous, but she's lonely.
My kid wore a dirty t-shirt to school today, but she didn't smell like poop.
My arms are bruised and sore, but I don't have a fatal disease.
I'm not on an organ transplant list.
My glass is almost always half full, and I am always looking for a refill.
So my troubles are my troubles, they belong to me; they suck, but I'm okay!
My family is okay!

My yard looks like shit .
But my emotional grass?
It's green enough!

Oh No!

2005-10-09T21:29:00.000-05:00

A wise friend often tells me ,

that just because I am able to type while I am drunk, doesn't mean that I SHOULD.
Sometimes I listen to her.

I really want to say something here tonight, but I forgot what it was.

I should have taken the good advice, and not typed at all.

Oh yes, I remember now!

Be safe!

Hobbits and Furry Beasts

2005-10-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

This place has been too yucky bummed out for too long.
I'm going to try to post something funny, or at least, something weird.

* Disclaimer - what is funny to me may not make you laugh

My WTF Moment of The Week!

So on my way home from work on Weds , I stopped at my local convienence/gas/beer store.

We don't have 7-11 in my town. I don't know why, though I suspect Tommie has scared them off. And I don't know who Tommie is, but I can tell you that there are eight or nine 'Tommie' stores around town. There're like 7-11, only old and dark and dirty, and they don't have sandwich cases, ( no one would be crazy enough to eat a sandwich from a Tommie store, anyway). One of the stores always smells like Pine-Sol, but never looks any cleaner.

The folks employed by the Tommie chain, are losers. I know, that's mean, but it's the truth.
Any half bright or semi-friendly clerks don't last for more than a week. They don't smile, they aren't helpful, they are slow, very few of them have more than 2 or 3 teeth ( maybe that explains the "no smile" thing) I always try to be pleasant to the Tommie clerks, I feel bad for them. You just know someone has hit rock-bottom when they have to take a job at a Tommies.

So I stop by the pine-sol smelly Tommies on my way home from work (Why? because they have cheap cigarettes) to grab a pack and a Lotto ticket.
When I get to the door, this guy opens the door, and says, " Buggy! I thought your name was Bugsy!"
Okay, so I have never seen this guy before in my life!
It takes me a second to realise that I am wearing my name tag from work. ( Yes, my name tag does say "Buggy" on it)
So this guy is nearly my height ( 5'4") he has dirty looking kinda blond hair, cut in a spikey on top, mullety on bottom, style. He has odd patchy facial hair. He is skinny, about 20.
He is wearing a dirty wifebeater shirt that has something written on it in magic marker, cut off jeans , with boots ( untied, no socks). He has an earring , a huge goldtone loop that makes him look like a hobbit pirate.
I'm pretty sure he is on drugs, and if he wasn't so tiny I might almost be scared.

He asks me if I had a good day. ( ???!!!)
He isn't behind the counter , and he is smiling, so I don't think he is the newest loser clerk. He isn't asking me for money, he seems to be trying to tell me jokes. I don't know what the hell he wants.
The actual clerk, a young woman with what looks to be all her teeth, and no visible piercings, is rolling her eyes at him. I'm guessing he isn't her boyfriend, as she is about a foot taller than him, and doesn't look like lifes been completely sucked out of her yet ( I think she's new).
I ask her for my cigs and my quikpick, while redneck hobbit pirate boy is still smiling and trying to make small talk with me.
What the hell?
I'm sure I'm being punked, because I think he is attempting to flirt with me. He actually winked!
First off, I am probably old enough to be his mother, second , I am almost taller than he is and I have teeth. I am not at all cute in my ugly work uniform with the ugly work shoes. I am sweaty and my hair is a mess, so I have no illusions that my beauty has somehow overwhelmed this poor greasy little hobbit pirate reject. What gives?
He stands next to the counter the whole time I am there and when I turn to leave, he kinda hop skips over to the door , opens it for me and bows as I exit.
I say ,"Thank you." (Trying not to look like I am running to my car)

No other cars in the lot, so I'm sure it's not a Candid Camera stunt.
Maybe Tommie has decided his stores need "greeters" , like the old guys at the WalMart.
I locked my car doors and drove home.

The Not So Great Escape

The herd of doggy beasts are still living in my house.
I don't see them much anymore. Since it's too hot for them to be in the garage, they live with my brother, in what used to be my guestroom.

I don't want to think about it too much. I don't want to know what it smells like in there, I don't want to imagine what the carpet looks like. Someday I will remove everything and paint, and maybe be able to reclaim the kennel as a room again. I said maybe.

Friday night Katie and I decide to watch a movie together. I hadn't rented anything because I owe late charges at the movie place (again) , so we were stuck with whatever cable offerings we could find. We have lots of channels, but had trouble finding a family movie, or even a PG13 suitable choice.
We ended up with Garfield.
I don't recommend it.
Katie laughed some, but she is easy when talking animals are involved.
I didn't enjoy the movie, but sometimes just hanging out with Kate when she is laughing is good enough entertainment for me. ( most of the time, in fact)
So the brother ( Uncle Dude) comes out of the kennel/guestroom to see what we are watching and to get a plate of dinner and a beer. He's away from the canine habitat for maybe 5 minutes.
The next thing I know he is grabbing his shoes and asking where the flashlight is.
The furry beasts have escaped!

Katie jumps up and runs to assist in the search. The two of them are frantic about the herd running loose in the neighborhood.
I light a cig , sip my beer and ask, " So does this mean they shredded the window screen, again?"

Sure, I could have gone out into the dark to help search for the beasts, but Bill Murry is pretty funny, even if he is just the voice of a fat CG orange cat who eats lasagna in a movie with a terrible script. I pretended to be involved in the plot.

Ten minutes later they return with two of the beasts, the little one, and the puppy.
The biggest most hyper beast is still at large.
My daughter has been running about the wooded yard in her jammies with no shoes. I holler at her to put on some shoes at least, as she follows Uncle Dude back out into the night. There are furry family beasts to save, and she is on the case.

Ten minutes or so later, Garfield is causing havoc on some trains, I am thinking about getting another beer and maybe making some popcorn, when there is a scratching at the backdoor.
Crap!
The big beast has found her way home, and it seems to be up to me to let her wagging ass back in.
If she is going to escape the least she could do is stay lost, or find a new home, something that won't make me get up and have to pretend to care about her.
I open the door, she jumps on me ( of course she does, she always does) and she is WET!
Uncle Dude, with his jammie clad, canine saving assistant right behind him, run in behind the beast, saying, "She's WET!!"
Yeah, I noticed that.

Seems the beast was across the street, behind the houses , chasing ducks down at the pond.
Having the fricken time of her life!
Can't say I blame the little bitch, I wouldn't want to live in the former guestroom either. It smells like dogs and the window screen is all shredded up, and so far as I can tell there aren't any ducks in there. Yet.

We do share something in common, the furry Heidi beast and I.
We were both my Mother's favorite.

I Am Fat

2005-09-17T22:13:00.000-05:00

I am fat.
I don't usually worry about stuff like that.
I don't obsess about my body, never have.
I think I have a very realistic body image.
I've dieted off the extra pounds before, by eating better, walking more. I'm not one to crash diet, or freak over a few pounds.
I don't think I need to look like a model to be beautiful. I don't hate myself if my thighs aren't what I want. I'm over 40, so I am okay with some stuff sagging a bit.
I don't need to look 30 to feel okay about myself.
But I'm fat, like uncomfortable fat.

What bothers is me is that my clothes don't fit.
I hate being uncomfortable.

I know I've been stress-eating, and it isn't easy being around food all day, and when my big pants feel tight, I am not happy.
When my bra digs into my pits, I get pissy.
When I get pissy, cheese fries are just the ticket to happiness!
I work in fried food paradise!

Sure, I could find a carrot stick if I wanted, but why?
There are fresh fried eggrolls and cheese sticks, frech fries with nacho cheese sauce on them.

I'm fat, and really unhappy about it.
But much too tired to do much about it.

Checking In

2005-09-17T20:36:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I updated, and I've been terrible about responses to others ( on blogs and boards) that I wonder if anyone still checks in here.

I'm here.
I'm just too depressed to write anything.
I wanted to write about Katrina, and how I felt about the images we saw, but I couldn't.
It was too big, too much.
I was home sick from work on Weds and Thurs of that week ( I turned my head wrong or something, and a spasm in my neck gave me a headache. A stress migraine or something. I decided to call in sick, and I never do that for myself. I tend to save the sick days for my family obligations, but the headache was pretty bad) .
I watched the News about Katrina obsessively for 3 days. I was overwhelmed with the News of Katrina. Like many of us, I cried, and I prayed.
( And more than once I was thankful that 14 years ago my Hubby talked me out of naming our daughter "Katrina")

But I coudn't write about it, or how I felt about it, or write anything at all.
I read alot, but couldn't write.

I've had some set backs in my life lately, some heavy strss stuff , and I've felt guilty about my problems in the midst of those that had so much more to deal with.
Last week at work I broke down and cried, and a friend told me that it's okay to cry. She told me that even though my problems were small compared to the enormous troubles of others, that they were still problems.
She told me I shouldn't feel guilty for worrying about my stuff, because no matter what happened outside of me, my troubles hadn't gone away. She said that just because there were people with bigger toubles, that didn't mean that mine were any less real.
But it still feels like I'm just whining when others have so much more to deal with.

So I don't write. So I do the hermit thing, that is so comfortable and so not helping me or my family.

I wish I was one of those people that could just climb into bed and not come out.
I want to say, " I'm depressed." And have that be enough of a reason to quit.
My Mom did it, she would just drop out when things got too hard to deal with.
I sometimes think she spent most of my childhood in bed.
She was sick, but she was also weak.

Sometimes I wish I had that luxury, but I don't have anyone to take care of everything if I just drop out, give up.
She had me.
But then I think about all those that have troubles so much bigger than mine, and remember that I promised myself that my child would never carry the burden of my moods , that I would never make her take care of me.
So I get up, and I make the most of what I have, and I laugh when I don't feel like it.
And I pray for people I don't know.
And I wish I could give more to others, because that is what I want to do, more than anything.
More than climbing into bed and hiding from the world.

But I can't, because we are being sued, and I have to respond to these papers we got served to us last week.

I Have Issues

2005-08-27T00:35:00.000-05:00

When I first started this Blog I wanted to write funny posts.

The whole thing was going to be a witty little laughfest!

I wanted to amuse myself and if my friends were amused as well, that was a bonus.

Oh yes! Bug Soup, the funny blog!

The Sedaris of Buggy Blogs!

Well, it turns out that I have issues.

I sometimes have stuff I need to rant about ( who knew?)

It usually isn't major stuff, not worldly or important, but it's my stuff and I need to talk about it. Or maybe just question the why of it all.

So I'm sorry I'm not being funny, I really did have good intentions for this place.

I have several issues lately, please indulge me .

**************

Hillary Duff.

As teenbopper pop idols go, she isn't the worst ( not by a long shot) , and I am happy and thankful that my 13 yr old daughter doesn't see celebrities as role models.

My issues with Ms. Duff aren't even about her, it's about how she is being marketed.

The Disney Channel now has some decent sitcoms aimed at teen viewers, and a few witty cartoons ( shout out for Kim Possible!) that my daughter enjoys. The programing lately is more intelligent than the crap my kid was watching on Cartoon Network , this is all good.

Except for the Hillary Duff thing.

Disney Channel is obsessed with her.

Hillary Duff doesn't dress sleezy, she isn't half naked, her song lyrics aren't about sex.

My problem is that they play her video about 3 times an hour. All day. Everyday.

I have seen HDuff's video about 34 gabillion times in the last week!

Enough already!

***********

Co- workers

The new gal at my work.

She is nice, she is hardworking, she learns quick!

I really want to like her, and in some ways I do. We all want her to work out because we need a strong team and we worked short staffed for the last 2 months of the school year and it was awful. She would so be a perfect fit, if not for one, little , potentially huge, thing.

First day of training we noticed that she had a BIG pin on her shirt that said, " I LOVE JESUS"

Then there were the 12 or 16 "JESUS" keyrings, and the 20 or so stickers on her truck that declared her love for the Lord.

Okay, I have no problem with folks who have a strong faith, none at all. Most of the women I work with would call themselves Christian, and some even go to Church every week.

Within the first 3 hours she starts talking about being "Saved" and how she was an addict, she even showed us a picture of herself at 94 lbs, telling us how prayer saved her a year ago.

I want to like her, but am wondering if she is one of those people who traded one addiction for another ( granted "Jesus" is a healthier addiction than drugs) , fanatics of any sort make me nervous, especially those that think they know best for everyone.

A week later and she seems to be working out as far as the job goes, but over the last week I've noticed that I am the main one she has decided to SAVE.

I think it's because I am polite, because I really want to respect her views, because I don't tell her to shove it, and because I made the mistake of saying " GAWDAMMIT!" in front of her the other day. ( Which is a rather mild swear in the kitchen by the way, we don't swear in front of the kids, but the kitchen is a raunchy vocal place)

I don't want to be saved at work!

My relationship with God is personnal, it's none of her business.

She has no idea what my religious views are ( she has never bothered to ask , anyone).

For all she knows I am Jewish or Wiccan or Atheist or even a Born Again Christian; that doesn't seem to matter to her as she sweetly hands out her prayer cards, and witnesses about her recovery and HER faith in Jesus.

She had the nerve to lecture me the other day about how God doesn't want me to smoke cigarettes, she was telling me how bad they were for me, and how after 30 years of smoking, God saved her from cigarettes cold turkey. Good for her! Today she talked to me about swearing, and how bad it is, and how God doesn't like it.

She has no idea that I know how bad smoking is for me, more than she will ever know. How dare she think she knows anything about me, or my life experiences, or my beliefs.

My Faith, MY Truth, MY personnal relationship with MY higher power!

She is just quietly and sweetly trying to impose her beliefs on me, never asking what I believe, just asuming that I am somehow just waiting for someone to tell me about Jesus.

But Dammit! She is so nice about it, so sneaky.

I haven't had to oppurtunity to tell her off without looking like a big crazy bitch.

My Husband suggested I go way out and tell her I am a Pagan, ( whose beliefs I have some fondness for) or better yet ( in his opinion) a Satanist. Well that is all fine and good for the shock value, if it isn't someone you have to work with everyday.

But I don't lie, not ever about anything important, and ones Faith is important, at least mine is to me.

And the other thing is, I kinda want to like her, and it makes me mad that she is wrecking that.

She thinks she is "helping " people. So is that noble, or just plain rude?

I've only known her a week. I need to find a way to respect her faith, while making it clear that mine is none of her business, and I don't share hers.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I am really good at training in the kitchen? That new people always seem to seek me out because I really want them to do well, and I explain things better than most. I want her to come to me when she has questions, I want her to be good at her job, I want to help her, I want to like her.

I don't want to be saved.

******************

I had more to write about tonight, but the gawddamned fucking hamster decided to escape and we spent 2 motherfucking hours getting the vicious little asshole back in his stupid cage .

( Kate and I did pray while he was loose)

The trick seems to be that the little biter can't resist bananas, and so he won't be eaten by a dog today.

It's now 3 a.m. and he is chewing on the cage bars and plotting his next escape.

I miss the old hamster.

But like I said, my issues aren't all that deep.

School Shopping

2005-08-09T22:54:00.000-05:00

I'll start by saying how lucky I am that my Mother in Law bought my child all new clothes when she was in California in June. New jeans, tops, underwear, bras, socks! The kid has clothes, and I am grateful.
My child is grateful too, because believe me, I'm not buying her bright blue 60 dollar Skeetchers, ever.

Payless

Went to Payless Shoes today for a new pair of Ugly Work Shoes!
My old pair of UWS were too small ( though they were my size) and hurt my back as well as my knees and feet. They were really bad on the knees and feet.
So bad that after I took them off each day , I hobbled around like I was walking on sharp stones.
Everything hurts my knees these days, walking, sitting, laying in bed, but last years pair of UWS were the worst.
So I bought a new pair in a different style ( 3 ugly styles to choose from!) and a half size larger than my regular size 9 1/2.
Yes, for those of you with Math Skills , that does mean that my new UWS are a size 10!
I'm 5 foot 4 inches tall, so I pretty much look like a hobbit, a clown , or a child wearing her Daddy's shoes.
My feet are freakin' HUGE!
( One day I will share the pain of being told my entire childhood that I would be tall, because my feet were so big, not that I'm still bitter about being lied to or anything)

Found the cutest pair of leather sandals for the KatieBug!
Really cushy soles, very cute, brown ( every year I try to talk her into neutral brown shoes, most times I fail, but really the child can't keep wearing blue shoes her whole life) very stylish, will look so cute with jeans. $18 shoes on sale for 4 bucks! FOUR DOLLARS!
Had to buy them. Had to talk her into them.

Because I liked them she suspected there must be something wrong with them. Afterall she is 13 and her mother is like , well , somewhere over 30 *mumble*41*mumble* and totally not cool ( or whatever the new word for cool is these days, what do I know ? I'm older than dirt)
I made her walk around the store in them , and asked other people if they thought the shoes were cute.
They are, and she needed them, and she needs something to tell a therapist someday.
She agreed! I love the little victories!
So I make the purchases and we go on to the next stop on our shopping day list ...

WalMart

Let's just start by saying I hate Walmart as much as the next person, but it's there, and in my small town it is almost all that's there.
So there! Hate me,I have to shop there! * hahaha*
We need to buy School supplies.
Hate this! I hate this every year.
First I would like to say that for those who don't know me well, I'm pretty easy, I'm a patient sort, I roll with the flow, but this mess is wrong!
Every year there is this list of supplies they have to have by the first day of school.
Okay, give me the list I'll buy it.
Noooooooooo, not that easy. And it should be easy.

There are 28 items on this list. Some years it has been a struggle finacially, ( it's a good 45 bucks worth of stuff) but this year, thankfully, it is just a matter of filling the list.
So we need 4, three ring , 1" binders. Not a problem you say? That's what I thought.
We need one red, one blue, one black and one gray. All fine, I understand the instructions.
The gray binders are only available in 3". There are NO gray 1" binders, they don't exist. I grab a white one, and my child begins to stress that she won't have the right binder. I tell her it's okay , everyone will have a white one.

2 red pens. This is no problem, usually they come in packs of 5 or 10 ( never 2) , but I'm okey dokey fine with it.
No red pens. There are NO red pens in the entire frickin WalMart! NONE!
( I looked! I asked! It's on the fucking list!)
For some reason they have lots and lots and lots of purple pens stocked this year, but purple pens aren't on the Damn list, and red pens don't exist.
I started to ask my child if maybe the purple..... NOPE, the list says red and she is a conformist on the subject of pens for school. She didn't even let me finish my sentence , she already knew what I was thinking. ( Luckily I found some red pens left over from last year when I was forced to buy 10 when I only needed 2)

The next item on the list is 3 spiral notebooks, 70 count paper , WIDE RULE ( in bold)!
Seriously, the list said WIDE RULE, the words " No College Rule" were underlined.
There was no spiral wide rule paper in 70 count to be found. There were no wide rule spiral binders at all.

Okay , so that isn't exactly true, because although they had college ruled spiral notebooks in all paper counts you can imagine, there was one tiny box , in the back of the shelf, of wide ruled paper. It was in 100 count ( I can deal with that) but it had a FEAR FACTOR theme!
No way am I going to make my child take a notebook that neither one of us can stand to look at,
to school ( even if it is the right ruled paper!) Pictures of people eating worms and calf eyeballs , and roaches, and bloody stuff.
I have my limits, even when it comes to school supplies.

We gather the other stuff, markers and colored pencils and rulers ( " Dont you have like, 5 rulers?") and binder dividers, and highlighters ( the list says 3, they only come in packs of 4) .
Packs of 10 blue ball point pens ( the list says 12, they come in 10 packs, FUCK THE LIST!)

We travel to the stationary section of the store with the other school supply list refuges, with no
luck on spirals or red pens there either. I look at the list a final time and see that we need tissue, Kleenex ( for those of you without kids, they need lots of it, and the allergy mom's are making out like bandits because I know my kid doesn't use that much)
They want me to buy 2 packages of 200 count tissue.
And that is when I remember that the person making the School Supply List, is fucking with me.
They do it every year.
It doesn't come in 200 count boxes.
Go look!
Tissue comes in 80 count, 180 count, and 220 count. Oh there is a special package marketed for school use, but that one has 3 boxes of 150 count.
So I bought a weird box of Puffs, 218 tissues.
182 tissues short of what the School Supply list requests .
FUCK THEM!!!
I told my child to blow her nose at home.
And we still have to find wide ruled spiral paper somewhere before next week. Blah!

So I'm writing my check at the WalMart, and I think how weird it is that I spent more at the Payless for 2 pair of shoes , when I realise that I wrote a check for $53 bucks for 2 pair of shoes!!
OMG! Payless overcharged me!
So I run to the car to check my Payless receipt, and sure enough they charged me twice for the UWS. Twice!
If you saw these shoes you would barf at the unfairness of this.
I don't even like shoes, and even I know how ugly they are.
So we go back to Payless, where they can't cancel the transaction and give me back my check, and let me write a new one for the actual amount of my actual purchase.
They refund me my money in cash, which I then spend on super weird tacos at the Jack in The Box.
I love those weird Monster Tacos!

So we still need to find some wide ruled spirals before next Tuesday, and I need a hair cut, but mostly, we're ready for School!

Kate starts the 17th, I start back the 12th.

I think it's gonna be a good year!

Just For Morons

2005-07-26T11:08:00.000-05:00

So I was talking on the phone to my Hubby this weekend, and he says he is going to go out and get a haircut. This is good, he needed one, and I told him not to be afraid to get it cut short ( they always leave it too long and he never says anything).
So then he tells me he used that Just For Men haircolor crap.

I guess being the "Old Man" at work has been getting to him. Being on the late side of his 40's makes him old enough to be the dad of most of the guys he is working with.
They are of a different generation, mostly in their 20's, and they dress differently and talk differently and listen to different music. Changing his hair isn't going to make him 30 again.
Or cool.

Silly old man, his wife doesn't want him to look like a boy, his wife loves his silvery hair. It looks sexy ( though he insists on wearing it too long).

He tells me the color turned his hair orange, and he needs it cut short enough to fit under his hat! ACK!
So I say in my sweetest most supportive wife voice, " I told you so, Dumbass!"
And suggested he stay in Florida til it grows out.
Luckily he was kidding , he says it's back to sandy blond, and he thinks it makes him look younger. Yah , suuuuure, whatever.

He says goodbye , telling me that it's good we still want to look good for eachother.

If he wanted to look good to me, he would leave his hair silver and learn to pick his dirty socks up off the floor.

New Hamster!

2005-07-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

51 hours into New Hamster Watch, and he is still alive.
We have named the little guy, Zipper, and call him Zippy.
He is fast, so it fits.
I am just glad he is still alive.
Since November I've killed 3 hamsters, a cat, and a mom.
Sucks to be me!
( or a friend of me, so think about that for a minute, I'll understand if you want to run away now.)
*Ha Ha Ha*

Zippy is a running fool! He loves the wheel!
I suggested we re-name him Forest, my child balks at this. We keep lloking at him, making sure he is still alive.
Zippy!
His name is Zippy!
And it fits him.
I am already attached to him.
He has sweet little beady black eyes, is so soft, and he lived! He survived the drive home!
Surviving the drive home has become a big deal for me. I love pets that live through the drive!
When he dies ( approximently 6 months from now) I'll be devastated.
This is why I don't want pets! It's bad enough when people die on me, but pets too?
L ike I need another tiny grave in my back yard!

But he is cute, the Zippy, I like him very much. He makes the KatieBug happy, and that is good enough for me.
He runs the wheel 6 ft from my desk, RUN ZIPPY!
Live!

Odds and Ends

2005-07-16T20:22:00.000-05:00

Nothing important enough for it's own posting, just some random stuff I've been thinking about.

Happy People

Where are these happy people I see on the WalMart commercials? None of these people work at my WalMart. In fact, I have lived in this town for 12 years and I have never seen any of these people anywhere else. Weird.
As often as I go in that damned place, you think I would know one of the people who work there. ONE!
A woman I used to work with said her sons worked there , but I never saw them there, ever.
In fact one of my neighbors claimed he worked there, but never once have I seen him there.
I seldom see the same checker twice!
Someone needs to investigate, because if there are aliens amoung us? That is where to find them.

Used Guns

There is a new store in the little strip shop plaza near my house.
There is a Dominos , a Subway, a tanning place, and a new store.
The new store is a Gun shop.
It's Texas. so it's not a shock there would be a gun store there, afterall hunting is big here , and Texans love their guns.
It's just the sign on the big banner out front.
USED GUNS
What were they used for?
Everytime I drive by, I wonder.

Mad Skills

I got some skills.
Like, I can make kids laugh.
Easily. If I want to make a kid laugh, I can. Not that nervous laugh thing either, but genuine amused laughter. It's a skill.
I can also make perfect rice in the microwave. Really!
White rice, brown rice, rice made with broth, rice with vegis, always perfect.
But never on the stove. I can't master the rice on the stove thing, but in the micro oven?
I am a genius with the rice.
And I can find things that are lost. If it's in my house, I can find it.
If my Hubby misplaced a slip of paper with a phone number on it, I can find it.
If my kid lost a plastic pokemon that is an inch high? I can find it.
If I ever saw it, I can find it.
I got skills! ( and you all thought they kept me around because I'm cute? HA!)

Beer Shower

So last time my husband was home, I had a beer shower.
I miscalculated how long it would take them to get home from the airport, and I happened to be in the shower when he got home.
So there I was in the shower, and my husband opened the shower door and said , " Hello BaaaaBY!" And then he handed me a beer, gave me a quick smooch, closed the shower and left.
So there I was in the shower with a full unopened beer.
People don't drink beer in the shower! Do they?
Then I realized that there were probably thousands of men who drink beer in the shower everyday. Then it occurred to me that my husband was probably one of those men.

So I opened the beer, took a swig, set it on the shelf, and thought about it while I washed my hair. I took another few drinks, then shaved my legs , while I thought it about it some more.
I decided that you need to have a handy shelf in the shower that is behind the showerhead , so your beer doesn't get water in it (that's important) , and that for safety you should only drink canned beer and not glass bottle.
But the more I thought about it, ( and sipped) I couldn't really find a reason not to drink a beer in the shower.
In the end, I decided I enjoyed drinking beer while showering, and that my husband is a total alcoholic for thinking of it in the first place.

Popular demand?

2005-07-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

So I hear people actually come to this place and find themselves dissapointed by the lack of updates.
Who knew anyone wanted to hear what I had to say?
Lately I have lots of wandering thoughts but no real focus, so I haven't written anything.
Nothing seemed important enough for it's own column; besides ( and I know some of you will be shocked) but I find other people more interesting.
And though it's not an excuse for neglecting my little soupy spot on the web, I've been playing games a lot lately.
I'm well ( for the most part) my family is doing okay, the dogs still live here ( and I still hate them) hopefully that will remedy itself before I have to go crazy and kill someone.

For those of you worried about whether I'll be returning to our shared internet community, I think I will, not sure yet, but not quite ready to walk completely away.
I didn't leave out of any sort of protest, I wasn't trying to change anything, or make a statement, I want to make that clear.
I just need to take a break, take a think, figure out why I was so upset, and how to fix that in me.

Anyway, I'll be adding something new here ( hopefully tonight) and it will probably be bits of nothing, so don't complain if it's boring, afterall, nobody is making you read my crap. *laugh*
I've negelected my own writing for far too long though.

Do It Again

2005-06-18T19:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted song lyrics yet, but this one is so me, so my philosophy on life.
Steve is home, and whenever he is home he is a CD HO! Blasting music, feeding his soul, playing DJ to the house. Sometimes I think he misses his music more than he misses us ( HA!) I will have to get him something to play his tunes on there in Florida.
Anyhow, he is playing songs for me right now, it is one of the ways he communicates with me.
I'd like to share the lyrics to The Kinks - Do It Again

Standing in the middle of nowhere
Wondering how to begin
Lost between tomorrow and yesterday
Between now and then
And now we're back where we started
Here we go round again
Day after day I get up and I say
I better do it again
Where are all the people going
Round and round till we reach the end
One day leading to another
Get up go out do it again
Then it's back where you started
Here we go round again
Back where you started
Come on do it again

And you think today is going to be better
Change the world and do it again
Give it all up and start all over
You say you will but you don't know when
Then it's back where you started
Here we go round again
Day after day I get up and I say
Come on do it again

The days go by and you wish you were a different guy
Different friends and a new set of clothes
You make alterations and a fact in you knows
A new house a new car a new job a new nose
But it's superficial and it's only skin deep
Cause the voices in your head keep shouting in your sleep
Get back, get back

Back where you started, here we go round again
Back where you started, come on do it again
Back where you started, here we go round again
Day after day I get up and I say, do it again
Do it again
Day after day I get up and I say, do it again

Funny, I always forget how much I love The Kinks, til Steve plays them for me.
Add this to the list of the things that my Man gives me, he is full of gifts.

Katie in California

2005-06-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

My child has been in California for 6 hours.
She will be there for 2 weeks.
I can't believe how much I miss her already.

Last night she was so nervous she tried to bail out. Told me she was just too scared to get on the plane by herself. I told her what a good time she'd have, and told her that flying would be a great adventure. I told her if she got scared on the plane to just think of it as a big silver dragon taking her for a ride.

This morning she was nervous, but I could tell she was more nervous about the airport and getting on the plane by herself, than the actual trip. The airport made her really nervous, and she refused to look out the window at the palne she'd be getting on. When it came time to board, her legs locked for a moment. I was standing behind her and I felt her stiffen and try to back up just a little. But she was brave , and got on that plane.

Three hours later she was telling me how she looked out the window the whole time, and how pretty it was up in the clouds and how she saw a mountain that had snow on it! She said she didn't even play her GameBoy , she was enjoying the view from up in the sky so much, she even watched the landing!
Her Grandmother gushed over what a beautiful grown up girl Kate had become, and I was so happy for them to be together. ( She hadn't seen Kate in 4 years)

Three hours later, she had seen the Pacific Ocean, walked along the sand and saw mountains
( " They were so big, Momma!") . She'd felt the yucky slimey seaweed on her feet, got sand in her shorts, and found a pretty rock to bring me. She'd eaten strawberries, and grapes and a Happy Meal ( 13 and she still loves the Happy Meal). Grandmother had bought her new panties that she loved, and they were going to walk the 2 blocks to the park where there was a carnival with a ferris wheel to ride.

I miss her so bad I can't stand it.
Already.

Steve's Mom, The Grandmother, has been on me to send this child to California by herself since she was 7.
I am sure that Mom never thought I would, but Kate was too young to travel by herself before. Katie is very young for her age. Very bright, very creative, but not worldy, not as socially mature as her peers. I wasn't about to send her on a plane by herself when I wouldn't even let her use the restroom at a store by herself.
But she grew up, and early last spring when her Grandmother asked for the 500th time in the last 6 yrs, if maybe Katie would like to come to California in the summer, I said sure.
She's responsible , she is old enough to be away from her Mom for a couple weeks.
Katie wasn't so sure ( maybe she thought I'd never say , 'yes' either ) . But talk of Disneyland and cousins, swimming and shopping trips, convinced her.

You should have heard her voice on the phone, so Happy! So grown up. So far away from me.
I am so glad she is having this vacation, this experience. So glad Steve's family can give her this great trip.
She's had a rough couple years, my Baby. Her Nana came to live with us, and die with us. They got very close as my Mom was dying. We had money troubles, and her parents argued and nearly split. She started Middle School and the kids tormented and teased her. Her beloved hamster Bijou, her first pet of her very own, got sick and died.
Katie needs a vacation.

I'm a bit jealous that she got to run in the Pacific today, and is surrounded by the mountains of my childhood, but mostly I just miss her.
It's so quiet here.

I've never been away from Katie for more than 2 days, in her entire life; never more than one night away from her.
I thought I'd feel free for a bit, be able to relax and not have to be so responsible.
As happy as I am that she is having a wonderful trip, a vacation she will remember forever, I miss her.
*sigh*
It's too quiet here.
Two weeks, what was I thinking?

Dog Piss

2005-05-22T17:31:00.000-05:00

Now the beasts are mocking me.
I swear, the little one ( not the puppy, by little I mean smallest in size) just walked through the kitchen, lifted his leg and pissed on the door frame. Then continues walking past me like nothing happened.
I swear!

My True Friend

2005-05-21T21:18:00.000-05:00

I have this friend, most of the folks reading this know her.
She just made me so happy tonight, and I needed that , so I thought I'd share.
She didn't do anything special to make me smile, she was just herself.
She is always herself, she never waffles, she knows who she is and what she thinks, and she tells you. She fixes me when I need fixing. I am not as sure of myself, but she teaches me how to be me, how to be real.
She was smiling and warm tonight, and she told me about this trip she took when she was 18. It was a great story, and for a few minutes I saw her, not as the woman I've known for the last 4 years or so , but as a young girl, full of adventure.
I am blessed to have this friendship.
I know how lucky I am to know her, to know that she calls me "Friend"
I cherish her and our friendship.
She likes me, even though she really knows me. She knows the real me and likes me anyway.
Thanks Pam, just for being you.
You are my Best Friend!

In My Hands

2005-05-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

The cage is quiet.
The wheel spins no more.
Our little Bijou has passed away.
At least I was holding her, when she left us.
Our little hamster, such a sweet thing.
Katie is cryng herself to sleep.

This is why I don't want pets.

Yard Sale Heaven

2005-05-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

I ask you, what is better than a community yard sale in your own community?
Okay, now add that it's an upscale neighborhood ( for my town), and that residents got to go early.
Not enough? Add that there was this little cart that drove around serving Beer, Wine and Margaritas! ( and they weren't allowed to sell alcohol so they gave it away for whatever donation you wanted to give to the Fire Dept! I overpaid for my margarita because the old guy selling them was really cute.)

It was awesome! And it was so big we didn't even see all of it, and it's right down the street, and I get to go back tomorrow!
*sigh*
What a buzz!
I got a South Park Soundtrack CD for 50cents!
I bought a brand new hardcover Dean Koontz that I don't own and haven't read for $1 ( the spine wasn't even broken, and the original prica tag said $30)
I bought a brand new 2 video set ( still in the shrink wrap new) copy of one of my favorite movies for $1 ( Giant! Love it! Rock Hudson is gorgerous, and James Dean is brooding, Elizabeth Taylor really was stunning)

I bought a beautiful blue glass bottle for the shelf over my tub for 2 bucks!
I bought a new keybord for the puter for a buck, and I actually needed it!

I bought a pile of crappy paperbacks for 10 cents each. Damn it was fun!

I think I spent less than 15 bucks , including the margaritas!

It's supposed to storm tonight.
I hope it misses us, I'd hate for all that cool shit to get soggy, because I wanna go back tomorrow.
Did I mention there was music and dancing and food?
Coolest thing ever.
I confess , I didn't miss my husband at all. He woud have never gone with me, and if he did he would have wanted to leave after 5 minutes.
I am so glad my work buddy talked me into going.
Sheesh! I think I'm shopping high!

Killing me Slowly

2005-05-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

I think I've seen my future.
It's bald and sick and gasping for every breath.
I want to talk a little bit about Cancer.
I've never had it myself, but have lived with it.
For awhile Cancer lived in my house.
It pretty much took over even before Mom had her seizure and was dignosed with terminal Brain Cancer.
In spring of 2003, my Uncle ( Mom's oldest brother) was dignosed, by July he was gone. My Mom had her seizure early January 2004. It was the worst kind, and had metastized from her lungs, just like her brothers bone cancer had the year before.
She never quit smoking. She even told everyone that her Doctor told her she could keep smoking, " Because it doesn't matter anymore." That was a lie, of course. Anyone ever tells you that their Doc said to just go ahead and smoke, they're lying.
No Doctor ever says that. EVER.

So while Mom was moving in with us and , " getting all the ducks in a row" her younger brother was dignosed with Colon Cancer, and her oldest sister was hospitalized for pnuemonia and acute emphysema.
Weird. Cancer doesn't run in their family, or hadn't til then. Both of their parents lived to be very old, as did all their many aunts and uncles. Oh, bad joints and arthritis runs with us for sure ( I got that one early) but not the Big C . ( though my Dad's family was ful of it)

Nope , no cancer in this family, they all lived well into their 90's, til about 2 years ago.
And the common factor, the thing they shared ( besides a childhood) was cigarettes. Lots of them.
* as I light one*
Out of 5 kids, 2 died of Cancer and one is still taking treatment, one has emphysema and the only one with no lung ailments at all, was the one who never smoked.

I'm ashamed to say, I smoked under the tree outside the Cancer Center that I took my Mom to for treatments. The county funded Clinic, for people with no insurance. Where sick people waited for 6 hours to see the Doctor, and an appointment for a simple blood test could mean a 3 hour wait. More than once we spent 10 hours there.

I once visted, under the tree, with a 47 yr old woman who was on her third time with breast cancer. She told me her hair had finally grown back after 2 years, that until the week before she'd thought it was finally gone for good. She lit a Marlboro, and told me she hated smoking, told me she couldn't believe that after surviving breast cancer twice, after losing her breasts and her hair and her job and her life, that she still couldn't quit smoking. She gently touched her head and told me, " I know it's only hair, but I hate to lose it again." Just before they called her in for the first treatment of her newest round of chemo.
She wasn't the only one.

It was no mistake that the Cancer Center had a Smoking Area under that tree. A bench and an ashtray, and rain or shine there were patients out there.

That tree was special though. I wish I knew what kind of tree it was ,( I 'm so bad at that garden type stuff). I can tell you that it's beautiful, and magical; and that no matter what the day brought, the weather was always perfect under that tree. I know many a time I went out there just to cry, but no one could cry under that tree. You felt better there. It's perfect, like it absorbs all the humanity of those sitting under it, and gives back only the best of it. On the stillest day, it's leaves rustle in a breeze that seem to come from within it. It never rained under that tree, it was never too hot or too cold. It was always Spring , and gentle breezes.
That tree , in that parking lot of the crappiest place ever, gives comfort.

But they smoke, the Cancer People. They smoke right before their treatments, right before they lie to the Doctor about not smoking, they smoke. They beg for a cig while gasping for breath on oxygen. I know.
*click - puff*
I've seen my future if I don't quit smoking these cancer sticks.
There is no excuse, I know what it feels like , I know what it looks like.
It's sick and bald and gasping for every tortured breath, it's hours of horrible treatments and leaving everything undone, leaving everyone too soon.
Who says that suicide is fast.

I Need a TIVO

2005-05-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

I am missing so much TV these days.
We have hundreds of channels, yet whenever I want to see something it's on opposite something else. Or I'll sit down to watch the tube for awhile and there is nothing on.
How can there be nothing on?
Flip Flip Flip
I search the guide.
There is something good! But it's already started and I hate to jump in the middle. Oh there's something else, but it ends too late.
And my Reality shows keep conflicting with each other.

Why are the movies I've been wanting to see always start at 10 a.m. on a work day or at 2 in the flipping morning??? I've decided all the good stuff is being kept from me, while I am stuck watching reruns of the The Surreal Life again.

Then there is the, what to turn the channel to as I fall asleep, dilemna.
I've found I am much less stressed and my mind doesn't wander to troubles and unfinished daytime business if I can just fall asleep while listening to quiet nonsense. But you have to pick the right thing. Decorating and cooking shows are out, you have to see what's going on, same with animal and travel channel stuff. Music doesn't work for me because songs get stuck in my head real easliy and I wake up with them still there. No News! No way. Movies are sometimes good, but it has to be something I've seen before, so I can picture it with my eyes closed, plus it has to have lots of dialouge, finding the perfect movie is tricky at night, and you never know what is coming on after. I hate waking up to a scary movie at 3 a.m.
My go to station is Comedy Central, South Park is funny even with your eyes closed, and now that Colin Quinn has been cancelled I don't have to fear hearing that idiot in my ears.

Usually I wake up to turn the TV off before the morning infomercials start. But there is always the chance I'll wake up wondering why I dreamt I was a Pilates instructor, or knowing that I NEED a portable steamer , if I just had a portable steamer my house would be clean and all my troubles would just magically dissapear. Steam cures everything.

I've just realized I have a serious TV scheduale conflict Tuesday evening.
The finale of The Amazing Race is on, and at the same time over on the Travel channel , John Ratzenburg is doing a special hour long tour of the Pyrex factory.

I need a TIVO thing, and fast.

What's New With Me

2005-05-04T21:16:00.000-05:00

As if anyone is interested.
Still reading?
Okay, guess you are!

****************

I still hate the dogs.
They know I'm intimidated by them, they have to know. Afterall I cringe whenever I am near them ( and sneeze). Cringing seems to send some doggy message that means, JUMP ON ME!
So they do.
I have scratches all over me from those dogs. My Brother just will not trim their nails. I dare not wear shorts in my own home anymore, the scratches on my legs haven't healed yet.
A friend asks me what happens when it gets hot, because it can get very hot in my garage in the summer ( it is Texas), and I say that they may die in there. I don't know what to do about them. I only know that I was promised there would be a place for The Dogs, if I let my brother come here. He agreed no dogs in my house, and he lied. So if they die because he didn't take care of them it isn't my fault, because homeless people don't get to have pets. They sure don't get to take a pack of dogs to someone elses home.
And he lost another job this week.

*******************

I am doing a new job!
I didn't get a new job, I do it at the same place for the same pay, and mostly it's the same, only now I am the cashier instead of the server on my Lunchline. It's actually working out okay, I'm having more fun than I've had in a long time.
The gal I'm working with has been there for years , but never worked this line before. She was grumpy and seriously burned out. I am so glad she got moved with me in the snackbar. I didn't think it would work out ( she was GRUMPY) , but working with me she is having fun! We are clicking. She was singing and dancing today at work! She told me , in front of everyone, that she loved working with me. Said I was supportive and cheerful and cared about the kids.
It was a moment.
Maybe the moment that is going to help me get through this last month without screaming at someone. It was all I could do to keep smiling.
But I think it's gonna be okay now. Sometimes a little change, can make a big change.

This is something most don't know about me. But I am always so close, like an inch away, from plunging into depression. Yes, I am really cheerful and upbeat, because I have to be. Clinical depression runs in my family, runs in me at times, and I didn't leave my house for almost 5 years. I have to force myself to go to work most days.
I was agoraphobic, I had panic attacks if I had to get into a car. I'd be a hermit if I could.
After my Mom died I went back to work within days, because the temptation to just crawl into bed was too great. I knew if I went to bed, if I just hid from the world like I wanted to, that it would be very hard to come back out of it.
I'm outgoing by nature, I like people, and I don't want to hide, but part of me does.
So the thing at work? Good for me! Getting the job in the first place was good for me.

***************
My Daughter had a piece of her artwork entered in the local Youth Art Show. Her teacher talked her into entering it. It's a big deal in our little town. The Lake Granbury Art Association , puts on a Youth Art Show every year. Teachers from all the schools enter their favorite pieces. They are judged by medium and grade ( it's 4th to 8th grades), and first, second and third place awards are given for each project, with a Best of Show award given for each grade level.

So Katie and I go on Saturday. It was really terrific, we had a great time. Loved the art projects! I got some great ideas. I was a bit dissapointed in the project that won first place in the medium Kate's was entered in. It was Decopouge. Most of the projects were dimensional and vibriant, and really expressive. The one with the first place ribbon on it was flat and plain and small and had no color, not that good. We were just happy her teacher had chosen to enter hers, it's a big honor., and it was so cool to see Katie's piece matted and displayed in a Gallery setting.
We were told there would be a reception with cookies and punch on Sunday if we wanted to attend. I didn't want to eat cookies and drink punch with people I didn't know on a perfectly good Sunday ( besides I ended up hungover that day) . We didn't go to the reception.

Monday afternoon Katie comes home from school, and informs me that they announced Best of Show on Sunday at the reception, ( no one told me this on Saturday, they only said there'd be cookies) .
My Child won the Best of Show!
Her art piece got the highest honor out of every other 7th grade entry!
I was so proud I cried! ( so glad I didn't cry in front of the cookies and punch group , I'm still glad we didn't go on Sunday!)
My child can make Art from tissue paper and Modge Podge, and that is AWESOME! That it was awarded is even better, because she has aways been an artist, but she can't draw for shit.
She makes dolls from scraps of fabric and wire, she makes sculpture from twigs and rocks, she has been designing amazing things since she was two, but she doesn't draw like people think drawings should be. I think she is brilliant. Now she has a ribbon that proves it!

****************

Hubby is coming home this weekend! I know I should clean house, but isn't it more important that it looks like what he is used to?

The Richer the Prettier

2005-04-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

I have this theory that people with money are better looking.

No, hear me out on this, I have points and stuff to back it up. Really.

So I know that the standard of what "Beauty" is in our society changes a lot, but this has no bearing on my theory at all. I’ve also heard the whole thing about good-looking people being more successful. That isn’t what I mean.

People with money are better looking, then the poor.

First I guess I should explain what I think of as beautiful, and this applies to men too ( though they aren’t on the cover of every magazine next to the checkout line, so it is maybe a little more about women).
I am talking purely physical beauty for the purpose of this posting. I know that beauty and attractiveness is more than just the outer shell. I know that wit, and wisdom and humor and kindness are beautiful, but I am talking about outer appearances now. The shallow stuff.

I don’t think size, height, shape, color, ethnicity or age matter as much, as Health.
What all beautiful people have in common, is that they look healthy.
Beautiful is healthy skin, no matter what it’s shade. Beautiful is good teeth and healthy gums, even if they aren’t perfectly straight. Beautiful is shiny hair, no matter it’s texture or shade .
Beautiful is good posture, and a confident stance. Beautiful is bright clear eyes, whether they are blue or brown or gray. Physical beauty really comes in all sizes, colors and ages.
But healthy people, look better. Healthy is pretty.

So my theory about money and looks.
People with money are able to eat healthier foods, able to afford good vitamin suppliments , tend to be thinner and in better shape. They can afford a gym membership if they want, or a personnel trainer. The children of people with money tend to eat better foods, healthier foods, (trust me, fresh produce costs more then hot dogs, beans and frozen french fries)
People with money can afford better skin care, better soaps and shampoos, better magical wrinkle creams, good make-up, better sunscreen and good nail polish. They can afford the occasional manicure, pedicure or a good massage.
They can see a Dentist, afford eye surgery, contact lenses or more stylish glasses.
People with money can afford a good haircut, and can afford to get it done every 4 to 6 weeks.
They are better groomed.
People with money can afford to have that weird thing removed from their face, or from their kid’s face.
People with money tend to get more excercise , they have more leisure time, they are able to afford a vacation and relax, or maybe just have the energy left at the end of the day to take a walk .
People with money can afford clothes that fit, clothes that are in style and clothes that compliment their shape.
People with good shoes tend to stand taller.
And this is just a guess, but if you can pay your bills, I imagine you sleep better at night. Rested people are brighter people. People who sleep well, smile more., people who smile are more attractive.
So my theory is that rich people are better looking, because they are healthier, because they are better rested, because they can afford to dress well, and be nicely groomed.
( and I didn't even get into the whole lazer hair removal thing)

But for the life of me, I still can’t explain Donald Trump, Michael Jackson or Joan Rivers.

My Delusional Butt

2005-04-24T11:05:00.000-05:00

My daughter is so funny. I'm going to post all about her another time, at 13 she is quite the interesting character, but today I just want to talk about her gas.

I talked her into going to the bank with me yesterday, she didn't want to go, but I didn't want to go by myself, so I told her she'd better get the dishwasher unloaded before I got back. She decided to ride with me.
So we are at the bank drive thru thing, and she is talking , just jabber jabbering, I am enjoying listening to her til this horrbile smell suddenly fills the car.
It was BAD.
No, bad doesn't even describe it. It was like raw sewage in the august sun for a week with some rotted broccoli on top. The entire car smelled so bad that I started gagging and rolling down the windows.

Buggy- OMG! What is that smell? Did that come out of you?

Katie - You farted

Buggy- I did not! Oh my GAWD! * gagging*

Katie - You smelt it

Buggy- People in Dallas smelt it! That is the worst smell ever!

Katie - *rolls up the window on her side and laughs* Wasn't me, must have been you.

Buggy- *rolls all the windows back down, and clicks the window lock, while still gagging*
Katie, geeze! I would know if I farted. What the heck did you eat?

Katie- She who smelt it, dealt it.

Buggy- Stop it! I did not.

Katie- She who denied it, supplied it. Roll my window back up.

Buggy- I'm dying over here, no windows! Just admit you farted.

Katie- You farted! She who names it and blames it, retains it.

Buggy- What does that mean?

( by this time we are driving back home and the stench is still making my eyes water, as I try to drive and hang my head out the window at the same time)

Buggy- just admit it, you know you have a really bad habit of not taking responsibilty for your actions, that is not a good thing. *gagcoughcoughgag*

Katie - Not my fart, not my action, not responsible. You're delusional.

Buggy- No, you are delusional, you are the one who knows she farted and won't admit to it.

Katie- Your BUTT is delusional , that's why it's making those bad smells. Can I roll my window up now? *giggles*

Buggy- No!

Katie - *singing* smelt it dealt it smelt it dealt it.

Oh, her father will be so proud.

Old People and Sex

2005-04-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

I am gonna get a bit personnal in this entry, so if that ooks you, skip it.

I have learned something ugly about myself.
I complain in the bedroom.
I am sure I've done this for a long time, but I never really heard myself til yesterday.
It was awful.
I'm awful, horrible .
My husband is home for the first time in 3 weeks, and when we get alone time, I complain.
It's not what you may be thinking, I have no problem with my Lovers attention to me.
Nope, he is fine. I complain about stupid shit.

Example, this is me making love.

"Ouch, you're on my hair"
" Owww, don't put any weight on my back, that hurts"
"Could you shave? Your stubble is scrathing my neck!"
" Don't lean that way, it hurts my knees"
"Ouch"
" That's too tickly, stop it"
" Can you not put all your weight on my hips?"
" That isn't comfortable, owww"
" That hurts my hip"
"Your elbow is in my ribs"
"Lean the other way, that hurts"
" Ohh my bad knee"
"Ouch"

Oh MY!
I am the worst lover EVER!
I never knew how bad, til all of a sudden yesterday, I heard myself, and I couldn't stop.
I love my husband, I wanted to have a special sexy afternoon with him. ( I wanted to have the whole day, but ended up having to work) .
I am NOT good in bed!
My bones hurt, I can't turn the way we would like.
I complain the WHOLE time!
I am not sexy.
I am bad at the sex thing.
I am not sweet and loving, like I thought I was.
Oh My GAWD, I am a complaining BITCH!

Instead of loving sobs and breathless oaths, I am complaining that my knees hurt.
I love to have my neck kissed, and I heard myself complaining about it.
Poor Steve.
He has his faults, but he still sings me love songs. He puts up with me, he loves me, and I am BAD in BED!
He never told me I was so awful, but yesterday I heard myself.
I am awful.
I tried not to , but then heard myself complaining again.

I know why old people don't have sex.
It isn't because they can't "do the deed" , it's because they are afraid to break a hip.
It's because their knees ache and the arthritis in their back makes the entire act painful.
It's because they are so tired of hearing their spouse bitch that they stop trying.

MY Zuma Man

2005-04-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hubby is home!
I just want to hug him and hold him and show him I missed him.
( oh crap, I forgot to paint my toenails!)
I took tomorrow off work so we'd have a whole day with just the two of us.
No Child, no Brother, no canine beasts running about our feet.
Just me and Steve, all day.
Well, that isn't going to happen ( best layed plans and all that)

So Hubby is home, but why am I here?

Because my brother has been talking to him since he got here.
My Brother seems to need a parent, and tonight, it's Dad.
And my day off work tomorrow?
Not going to happen.
See there was only one person who knew the cashier job on my line, and she was really sick yesterday, so they crash coursed me into it, just in case.
As of today? I am a Cashier LunchLady.
I had to run the register ( our manager doesn't even know it) all by myself, about 400 kids.
I did good, I was only a dollar off. ( I must have entered something twice)

So since my partner is sick ( ER sick, kidney failure sick, no insurance so she put off going to the Doctor sick) I think I have to work tomorrow.
I will gladly work for Jamie, she is solid gold.
But it may have been my only day alone with Steve for months, already people are taking his time away from me.
He leaves for work again Monday at 6 a.m.

I have to go to bed , KatieBug needs to get up at 6 to get on the Bus at 7:30.
Maybe I'll get to see my husband tomorrow.

( for those who think I am a wimp, I have told my brother to go to bed so I could be alone with my husband, at least 5 times)

Vandals ( and some other random thoughts)

2005-04-13T08:29:00.000-05:00

So I'm driving to work yesterday, and the stop sign near my corner says STOP penis.
Okay so that made me smirk, but the next sign says STOP hairy balls.
I don't condon vandalism, but I laughed.
Then I started wondering who would do that? Are their militant man haters in my town? Self loathing teenaged boys? Depilatory specialists?
I've decided it must be those Celibacy Promise kids. There was an article in the local paper this weekend about their group, so I figure they are speading the word.

In other sex news.
Brittney is pregnant, and I say, WHO THE FUCK CARES?
Waste of news time. I can't believe the Today even did a story on what kind of Mommy she will be.
Good lord! Like she is the first selfcentered, no talent, rich twit celebrity to ever gets knocked up.
I'll tell you what kind of Mommy she will be, the kind that pierces her 2 yr olds belly button, and parades her designer clad little precious in front of every camera she can find.

Also on the Today Show this morning, Suzanne Somers wrote another book telling women how to stay sexy and beautiful. How many pages does it take to say, Lots of money and plastic surgery?

Off to work now. Call me silly, but I'm bored with canned ravioli.
I'll keep an eye out for interesting sign taggings.

Feeding people

2005-04-11T08:26:00.000-05:00

Only 30 more days til the end of the school year.
Six more weeks of feeding the Future.
The kids have gotten rude, they don't follow the rules, and 'please' and 'thank you' are no longer part of their vocabulary.
I try to remind myself that these people are someone's babies. That these beasts will someday be decent people ( most of them). It's getting difficult, moreso each day.

I will smile, I will use gentle words and feed them with kindness, while hoping that across town someone is treating my child the same way.
Six more weeks, 30 more days, just 3500 more servings of popcorn chicken.
I think I can do it!

Little Miracle

2005-04-10T17:18:00.000-05:00

Ask and you shall receive, I guess.
Not the miracle I was hoping for earlier today , but a wonderful one I didn't expect.

My siblings ( the sis and the bro) haven't really spoken in a long time. A long time.
They really haven't gotten along for the last several years. In fact I would even refer to their relationship as estranged. They had their reasons.
It was hard for my Mom, one of her wishes was for the two of them to start fresh and be close again.
I don't know if that is going to happen, they both are strong willed, but I have hope.
Anyway, the little miracle.
Was talking to my Sister, and handed the phone to my Brother.
They talked! For a good half an hour! They seemed to have a really good conversation from the laughter I could hear from my end.
They have their problems, but we all need each other
I needed something special today, I needed a miracle, evn a little one. I think they did too.
I'll take this!
Thanks Mom!

Bug Soup

Six Months? Really?

I Get By

New Post- Little Gems

My Hubby Is a Butthead

Dirty Secrets

March Stuff

My Pantry - After

My Dirty Pantry ( before)

I Am Woman!

Animal Tales

Merry Christmas

Story Time

Updates and Shit

I Need to Get Better

Dawning of a New Day - And Other Stuff!

Poor Neglected Soup

Books

Thanks Everyone

I Have a Job Interview!

Where the Heck Is Buggy?

Embracing my Inner Domestic Goddess

Merry Everything

Reconciliation

Natural Light Has 3.2 Carbs Per Serving - 5 Beers = A Snack

No More Cookies for Buggy

Buggy Hallows and the Deadly Kitten

A Little of This, a Pinch of That

Question Game

Let's Hear it For the Boy

Happy Easter

Both Sides Now

ACK I'm OLD!

New Stuff

Goodbye 2006

She'll Break Your Heart

Work Work Working

Trick or Treat , Ya'll

Long Time Gone

Life on the Frog Farm

KatieBug is Home!

Yarn Math

Such a Busy Bug ?

Snorts and Giggles

Uncle Stuart Passed - Mom came Home

A Little of This , A Pinch of That

Excuse Me for Writing

Welcome to Buggy's Pity Party!

The Economy

Beasts Are Gone

Hubby Job

Pink Tab

The Hemit Bug

For Lights

Odds and *Fuckin' * Ends

The House Next Door

In My Front Yard

Hubby Stories

The Bug Soup? Not so Funny

Siblings

Odds and Ends and Stuff

I Am A Man MAGNET!

Holiday Shopping - Part One - The Grocery Store

I Made it Through the Week!

Monday - Arrrrrrrgh!

All About Earl

Friday!

The "New" Car

Odds and Ends

Smell My Feet

Dorothy

I Have a List

Head Voices

Some Stuff

The Grass is Greener...

Oh No!

Hobbits and Furry Beasts

I Am Fat

Checking In

I Have Issues

Odds and Fuckin' Ends